vegansaurus!

So my mom gave me a Crockpot like five years ago and it sat in storage because I’M NOT 40 AND LIVING IN DES MOINES. I had no need for a slow cooker when my life was on speed boil! There was no time to slow down in the fast lane that was MY LIFE! No man, woman, beast or slow cooker could stop the train wreck that was my life.

But that was then and this is now. I’m now 30 which is the new 40 and baby, I’m TIRED. All I want to do is sit around and watch reruns of Mama’s Family and eat bonbons. Oh and SLOW COOK! I love it! I’m ADDICTED! I got The Simple Little Vegan Slow Cooker Book and it’s changing my life. Before getting the slow cooker, my autobiography title frontrunners were One Foot in the Grave, the Laura B Story; It Is a Gift, That Is Why They Call It the Present: The Laura B Story; and Deadly Beauty, the Laura B Story. Now those have all been tossed aside in favor of Laura B: Always Be Slow Cooking. Seriously, I’ve made two meals a day since I’ve busted it out again. Do you know how hard that is to do in a SLOW cooker?? Anyway, I’ve perfected everything from appe-teasers to soups to salads to antipasti to main course to, now, DESSERT. I’ve come up with the perfect vegan Thanksgiving dessert for you ungrateful SOBs! So, read below and please remember me this Thanksgiving, Laura Beck. A girl who lives each day like it’s her rocking last. In the slow lane.

VEGAN PUMPKIN BREAD PUDDING, Crockpot-style!
Ingredients!
3½ cups Silk Nog, Pumpkin Spice Silk or soy, almond, rice milk! Mix them up, go crazy!
¼ cup bourbon (ow!)
1 16oz. can of pumpkin
1 cup brown sugar
2 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. cinnamon
¼ tsp. nutmeg
¼ tsp. cloves (PLEASE NOTE: If you don’t have all these fancy spices, just buy a cheapy thing of pumpkin pie spice and sub it for all of them! Delicious!)
½ tsp. salt
1 Tbsp. Earth Balance
1 loaf bread (about 8 cups)
½ cup raisins (optional, of course. you might think raisins are nasty. you would be right in most cases but I like them in bread pudding!)
½ cup chocolate chips (optional if you don’t like delicious!)

Instructions!
So basically all you do is cut up the bread into cubes. You grease your Crockpot with the Earth Balance and then put 4 cups of bread at the bottom. Next, put the Silk Nog (or whatever) into a saucepan and bring to a soft boil and then immediately remove from the stove to cool a little.

In a mixing bowl, mix the pumpkin, bourbon (ow! what! I’m 12!), sugar, vanilla, spices, and salt. Then take the slightly cooled Silk Nog (or whatever) and stir it into the boozy pumpkin mixture. Next, pour some of the mixture over the 4 cups of bread in the slow cooker. Push the bread down so that it’s covered. Next, put in the rest of the bread and pour the remaining mixture over the top. Make sure everything is covered and put the covered slow cooker on low for 2½ to 3 hours. If you want extra deliciousness you can stir in chocolate chips halfway through cooking! Basically, you know it’s done when it’s firm and bouncy like a good bread pudding. Serve with vegan whipped cream or soy cream. OR COOKIE DOUGH COCONUT ICE CREAM FROM TURTLE ISLAND (as pictured! It’s amazing! Also, please excuse my picture for looking like a pile of doggie crapola! Mea culpa!)

That’s all! Not hurry and get to slow cooking! And Happy Thanksgiving from our dysfunctional family to yours on this horrible, shameful holiday! There is nothing like two wars, an economic crisis and millions of turkeys being slaughtered to remind you to be proud of our great American heritage on this day of days! And don’t forget to stuff yourself silly and rape the earth a little because that’s what this holiday’s really about anyway, right?

Man, I am a psycho downer. I really do love Thanksgiving. But I have such huge gross white liberal guilt. I’m gonna go wrestle this out with myself in a corner right now. In vegan Jell-O. I have like 20 boxes. Don’t ask. Anyway, bye! Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Micio Mambo is an awesome all-vegan boutique off of Grand Avenue in Oakland. I wrote this hilarious epic review about them but then Firefox fucking crashed and since Tumblr doesn’t auto-save, I don’t have it anymore. I’m so pissed, I hate the internet SO FUCKING MUCH. The review was funny and touching and marvelous, nothing like it has been written, before or since or ever. My genius is lost and it’s freezing in this house, I’m so cold. So, so cold.

Okay so Micio Mambo. Cruelty-free and environmentally friendly shop filled with shoes, bags, bath and body stuff, jewelery, shirts and much more. Everything is very reasonably priced and Ursula, the super friendly and adorable owner has a good eye for cute shit and you’ll want all of it. If they don’t have something you’re looking for, mention it to her and I bet she can order it. She’s super.

So the first time I came to Micio Mambo it was for an East Bay Animal Advocate’s* fundraiser party. At this benefit, I met Pia the chicken. It was my first time meeting a chicken nose to beak and it was GREAT. Pia was a sassy little girl who preferred observing the activity from the safety of her crate and after what she’d been through, you couldn’t blame her. EBAA had recently saved Pia and a bunch of other chicks that were discovered at a post office in Oakland en route from an evil Santa Cruz hatchery to an evil “farm” in Washington state. They were ONE DAY OLD. They were found in SHIPPING BOXES. FUCKING A. When people argue about whether humans are inherently good or evil, I just want to rip my hair out. Humans are an awful fucking plague on this earth. Seriously, how did it get this bad? It’s like we’re living in the alternate 1985 from Back to the Future Part II when Biff is in charge and the streets are on fire and gangs of hoodlums roam the city just shooting at nuns and babies and your dad is dead and your alcoholic mom is trapped in a relationship with an abusive psychopath and you’re too much of a good for nothing delinquent that you can’t do anything to help her OH AND THE DELORIAN ISN’T WORKING AND YOU (read: the entire human race) ARE SCREWED! Seriously, that future is now and the future is fucked.

What I’m trying to say here is that if I lived through what Pia lived through, I wouldn’t be the lovely, sassy lady that she was. I’d be pecking out eyes and karate-chopping fools in the balls and shit. That’s all I’m trying to say.

*Now stop reading this and go give them all your money. They are one of the few groups that are actively pursuing real change for animals. So instead of getting up at the 3 a.m. on Black Friday to stand outside in the freezing cold just to buy more hideous shit you don’t need from TJ Maxx, why don’t you stop by Micio Mambo and support a great local business and then make a donation to EBAA?! ‘Tis the seasons, motherfuckers!

Fuck it. I almost didn’t post about how much I love P.F. Changs because I know it might/should rape away any faith people had in my reviews of Chinese restaurants. And you should have faith in my reviews of Chinese restaurants because even though I am a Whitey McVegan, I slept with a Korean dude once, OK? What i’m trying to say is that I have an old Chinese soul. My taste is autentico. Moving on. I know the food here is about as authentic Chinese as Michael Jackson is authentic black but like, the shit is tasty! They have lots of vegan options and the tofu lettuce wraps—chopped up bits of flavorful tofu and veggies that you wrap up in lettuce leaves and eat, I think originally conceived of for Skinny White Bitches on Atkins but it’s all good—and coconut curry tofu make me happy to be alive. They also have an excellent eggplant dish and a few other tofu/veggie options. They know what vegan means and don’t make their vegetarian dishes with any kind of fish sauce. I know that is a result of this place being half-owned by a white guy but guess what, I LOVE IT. Oh and a full bar. Hooray! Also, the waitresses are mad hot, makes me want to get all drunken frat boy on them and be all, “Take it off! Take it ALLLLL off!” but that’s wildly inappropriate as I am a straight girl and also because it’s just wildly inappropriate.

Just a side note: I was in Santa Monica once visiting a friend and I told him to take me out for some authentico Chinese food, SoCal-style and he fucking brought me here. I mean, I should have known better; this is the same fool who pointed me towards La motherfucking Salsa when I requested good Mexican food. Never take dining advice from any WASP. Any WASP but me.

One more note: there are no P.F. Changses in SF proper because the inhabitants of our fine elitist Chinese city might burn it to the ground but there are a few in the East Bay, Marin and the South Bay. P.F. Changs thrives in Pleasanton and Walnut Creek because those cities are made of white people and malls, P.F. Changs’ natural breeding grounds.

Finally, the art on the website amazes. The link to that horse is [Ed.: used to be]: pfchangs.com/images/heroes/horse.gif. HEROES? WHAT? I GUESS I’d want that crazy ghost horse to save me but I think it’s more likely he’d take me back to his dark lord after he had had his way with me. That horse = total potential rapist.

[horse photo by Josh Puetz]

Rosamunde is a shitbox hole-in-the-wall where you can order all kinds of gross-ass dead animal sausages and a couple vegan sausages. I believe they use Tofurky brand. The sauerkraut is first-rate and the grilled onions are delicious too. Basically everything you ever wanted to put on a sausage and the buns are terrific! And I’m not talking about the crazy German lady who works there! Or if I am, I’m also talking about the actual sausage buns too! The pickles are NYC Jewish deli-style too, definitely worth the buck. Other than that, you can’t really eat in but you can take your sausage to one of the 54 bars nearby and enjoy it with some beer. Sausage and beer, people love that, right? I think that’s how it goes, fuck if I know, I’ve checked out of relating to the human race like three years ago.

A final note: Whenever I come in here, I feel like recreating the breakdown scene from Half Baked* but with sausage. First I would point to the dead chicken sausage and say, “Fuck you!” and then I would point to the dead lamb sausage and say, “Fuck you!” and then I would point to the vegan sausage and say, “You’re cool!” and then, “I’m out!” Actually, I would prolly say, “I’m out, bitches!” but that wouldn’t be staying true to the film. And if I’m anything, it’s accurate. And very good-looking.

*This is a really great movie, by the way. It was written by Dave Chappelle, directed by Tamra Davis (WHO ALSO DIRECTED THE PEERLESS BILLY MADISON and is married to Beastie Boy Mike D!) and has a cameo by Tommy Chong as the Squirrel Master. Have I piqued your interest?

[photo via yelp]

Hello, let’s talk about California pizza. By which I do not mean, “let’s have an argument about East Coast vs. West Coast or thick vs. thin crust.” That won’t get anyone anywhere, least of all this review underway.

At Serrano’s you will find the only edible pizza outside the Eastern time zone—though according to the logo, at Serrano’s it’s always pizza o’clock!—with plentiful toppings and spicy fresh sauce that they will ladle on extra for no charge. You will not find any vegan cheese, or fancy vegan options, but you will find people who have never once messed up my order, because they listen to their customers when they say things like NO CHEESE. You will also find my favorite cheeseless toppings combination, the “Art & Tom Terrific,” comprising artichoke hearts, fresh garlic, and sliced fresh tomatoes. What? Yes, baked all deliciously on top of a big mound of spicy, fucking zesty marinara sauce and a perfect crust.

A word about “Chicago-style” pizza, or as some might call it, crust aberration. Chicago-style pizza is ridiculous: I don’t want to hear about the merits of Zachary’s or Little Star; they and their double-crust triple-cheese wonderlands are ridiculous. Thank goodness Serrano’s knows what to do with a crust (which is not “make a pizza sandwich out of it”).

Do not mess around with other, inferior pizza delivery places in the area. They will disappoint, and you will be sad, and then you will come back to Vegansauraus and read this review of Serrano’s and it will say “I told you, other places are a mistake!” Serrano’s or switch cuisines! Then you’ll feel even sorrier for yourself, as you chew on the enormous hunk of congealed dough some pizzerias around here try to pass off as “crust.” But truly, the best measure of Serrano’s (Serrano’s’s? Serranos’s’?) success is that their slices cold the next day are as good as they were when you got them hot and fresh. San Francisco, you cannot get better delivery than this pizza.

[photo of pizza that while vegan is not Serrano’s by shil]

La Méditerranée is a local Mediterranean food chain with three locations, two in SF and one in Berkeley. Vegans can get a variation of the Salad Méditerranée which is hummus, baba ghanoush, tabbouleh, Armenian potato salad, lentil salad and green salad. If you’re feeling extra hungry and you’re with another person or a group, you can get a vegan version of the Mediterranean Meza which is basically what everything in the Salad Méditerranée and dolmas too. Actually, I would skip that because it’s like $5 bucks more and you can only really add dolmas if you’re vegan. They also have falafel at lunch but it’s usually sold out by dinner. Always one vegetarian (usually vegan) soup too, which is probably something made with lentils and very good. The best part though is that they serve a VEGAN CHOCOLATE CAKE! It’s not marked vegan on the menu but it is! And it’s REALLY delicious, rich but not overly sweet. Very, very good and perfect end to dinner. They also can make their coffee drinks with soy milk. Overall, a solid choice for vegans if you’re feeling like Mediterranean food. It can also be a good date place in the evening, all locations are dimly lit and romantical. The Berkeley one also has a delightful heated patio in front.

A while ago I was eating there with a guy friend and this rather cute but obviously insane dude came up to me and said, “when you’re ready to dump this cheeseburger and get with a real man, you should call me,” and handed me his number. It was truly an act of crazy, not to mention REALLY the wrong line to use on me. Logically my response was, “?!??!!” and my friend, Dave, said, “I’m sorry, CHEESEBURGER?” The little dude, looking at Dave, said, “Uh yeah, cheeseburger?”—then, looking at me: “I know this is weird but you’re cute and if you’re not really with him, I’d love to take you out for a drink or a coffee or something?” and I’m all, “Uh, OK, thanks?” Dave is cracking up at this point and the poor little guy turned bright red(der) and walked-ran away. Where do dudes get the balls to do shit like this??? I can’t even make the moves on someone who is like, “Let’s have sex.” Anyway, I’ll always love Le Mediterranee in Berkeley for that awesome memory. And no, I never called the guy. That’s a lie. I called but totally chickened out when I realized it was a number for a U.C. BERKELEY DORM. I’m like 52. Knowing the statutory rape law in California as I do, I chose not to leave a message. Still not sure if I regret this or not. To this day, whenever I email or talk to Dave the conversation will eventually go back to, “Remember that dude who called me a cheeseburger?? That guy was amazing.” And he was. I hope he’s with some girl who thinks he’s USDA Quality Prime Rib. Ugh, I’m grossing out over here, I’ll stop.

[photos via yelp]

Beretta is totally fucking awesome. It’s chic, although I hate using that word because it basically negates its meaning. It’s like the word “classy”. Nothing that’s classy can be described with the word “classy.” AM I RIGHT OR WHAT? Beretta is hip, it’s the ALL RIGHT OUTTASIGHT BEST! Inside, you can sit at the bar, or at a long communal table in the middle, or at a personal table. If it’s warm out, you can sit outside along 23rd Street. Even if it’s not terribly warm, they have heating lamps and you own a jacket, you live in fucking San Francisco. They make insane cocktails—some of the bartenders formerly worked at the Tenderloin’s classy Bourbon and Branch—many of which include absinthe! I love it! My favorite is the Dolores Park Swizzle, which is made with rum, lime, maraschino, absinthe and bitters. It’s served on a mountain of crushed ice. It’s the perfect alcoholic beverage. Or you might choose to indulge in a Hemingway, which is white rum, lime, cane syrup, maraschino and grapefruit! Just thinking about their outrageous drink menu, I want to start drinking at 1:30 p.m. on a Monday. Jesus, take the wheel!

Now, all that’s fine and dandy. Great location in the heart of the Mission, super-sleek interior, outside drinking of amazing drinks but WHAT ELSE, VEGANSAURUS? WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS PLACE? SURELY A PLACE SO PRETENTIOUS-SEEMING AND BOURGIE WILL HAVE NOTHING FOR OUR PEOPLE! And that’s where I say, YOU ARE WRONG AND ALSO A JUDGMENTAL JERK I THINK I LOVE YOU! Because Beretta serves up some of the best thin-crust pizza in town MADE WITH VEGAN CHEESE (!!!) AND VEGAN SAUSAGE!!! A recent addition to their menu, we vegans must partake of it in mass quantities so that they know it was worth it! And it is! Because it’s DELICIOUS! I got the potato, rosemary, radicchio, and gorgonzola dolce, sub vegan mozzarella for the gorgonzola and add vegan sausage! HELLO AMAZING CHEESY POTATO SAUSAGE PIZZA! You can substitute vegan cheese FOR FREE on any pizza that already has cheese. Love that! In a world that STILL charges 50 cents when you sub soy milk, WTF?!, this switching cheese for vegan cheese thing is just totally wonderful. I think the vegan cheese is Teese but it might be Follow Your Heart; it’s high-quality. They can make almost all of their appetizers vegan too. Try the persimmon salad and the brussels sprouts, both fantastic.

I really love Beretta. It is now about five steps from my front door (I’m employing hyperbole, but it’s close) and so I plan to be there pretty much every night once the pile of money I’m expecting to land on my face arrives later this afternoon. I’m incredibly excited about Beretta and I want to scream it from the rooftops, I want to dress as a bear and set myself on fire and run down Market Street, screaming its name! Or write about it on Vegansaurus! It was a coin toss, a Russian Roulette if you will. You guys lose, so this is your review. BYE!!!

[photos via yelp]

We don’t recommend you do this as a road trip unless you have a lot of time and perhaps a Winnebago, so you can travel Road Rules season one-style. For everyone else, New York City has three airports. Pick one! In any case, if you find yourself in north Jersey, as I have for the past two weeks, do check out Sweet Avenue Bakery in Rutherford.

I bought four cupcakes: plain vanilla with vanilla frosting, apple pie (apple cake with cream cheese frosting and apple pie filling), cookies ‘n’ cream, and strawberry fields (vanilla cake with strawberry frosting and strawberry filling). These are big, beautiful, voluptous cupcakes with a lot of frosting, so I recommend sharing or devouring very slowly, perhaps over the course of two days.

I ended up sharing with my highly critical aunt and mother, who were totally shocked when they enjoyed the very cautious bites they took. A note about my family: they are about as un-vegan friendly as you can possibly imagine. You know that scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding when the girl brings her fiancé home and says he’s a vegetarian and her aunt says, “That’s okay, I make lamb!”? That’s us.

They simply couldn’t believe that this could be made with no eggs, butter, or dairy whatsoever. They also couldn’t believe that such delicious baked goods could be made from the hands of an Americano, or white person. They were truly perplexed.

All the cupcakes were amazing but our favorite was the apple pie, fall in pastry form. With a cup of spicy Silk Nog, this was the best midnight snack a girl could ask for. After that, I would say the cookies ‘n’ cream had my heart. The frosting was amazing and who doesn’t like chocolate cake?

Sweet Avenue changes their cupcake selection every day, which they list on their stylish website. If you’re in New York City and you want to visit the bakery, you can take NJ Transit from Penn Station straight into downtown Rutherford. The shop is a a few blocks away. If you’re in Jersey, surely you’re not too far from a car, so get your ass there!

[photos via Sweet Avenue]

As usual, we end the week with a trip around the internets!

1. Via Eater SF, it looks like The Usual Suspects is opening up again. The menu looks like fairly boring veg cafe fare. If anyone gets there before us, could you report back? We’re not holding our breath or anything.

2. At Lifehacker, Jackson West tells us how, supposedly, to keep vegan guests coming back for more. As usual, the comments quickly take a turn for the vegan-negative worse. And the post includes a link to a three-year-old article on vegan recipes for your iPod. Surely the geeks at Lifehacker couldn’t have at least done a google search and found the PPK, the 8 billion vegan food groups on Flickr, the Vegan YumYum iPhone app or hell, even adorable us?

3. Speaking of the PPK, they have perfected their Earth-Balance-free chocolate chip cookie recipe. Did you know that all of the Vegansaurs have recently moved or will be moving? We will happily accept these as housewarming gifts. I’ll take 200.

4. Roger Ebert rhapsodizes on the joys of rice cookers. And on a related but weird note, here is a recipe (very easily veganizable) for using your rice cooker as a bread machine, via Comics Worth Reading.

5. Via Foodbuzz, I found a really cool recipe for one of our favorite things: creamy baked pasta with a cornucopia of vegan cheeses (or in this case, two kinds and some faux sour cream). Laura made a similar-looking vegan ziti for brunch last year that I still think about (and that I would like to eat again, please make it!)

Finally, as usual, your moment of adorable-ness, this week from the Puppy Cam, which has the entire Internet in a trance!

My dad took me on a date to Firefly. It was a great date even though my mom came along. Honestly, that is how I feel when I eat out with my parents: it’s me and my dad and the precocious whiny 12-year-old who wants her steak cut into perfect squares or she’ll just DIE! I mean, I practically have to ask for a high chair because she is such a baby. Also, she’s about five feet tall and shrinking so the high chair comes in handy for that too. ANYWAY, despite the fact that we brought crazy town Momma B along for the ride, my dad and I had a lovely time. Sorry, did I say lovely? I meant bizarre.

Ordering with my mom and dad is like watching a figure skater fall. Humiliating. My mom recently announced to the family that she is going vegetarian. I’m kinda like, whatever, because my mom takes on new diets like Mary-Kate Olsen turns down life-sustaining food and beverage. Which is to say, every fucking day. So anyway, my mom is all, “Hmm…what should I GET? Maybe the fish?” and I’m like, “fish isn’t a vegetable,” and she’s all, “oh that’s right, I’m vegetarian now,” and my dad starts laughing hysterically and is all, “YEAH RIGHT! Did she tell you that, Laura? HAHAHA what a liar!” and my mom is all, “oh what are you going to order, JOHN? Bambi?” and my dad is all, “well maybe I will, JOYCE,”* and I’m all, “SHOOT ME IN THE MOTHERFUCKING FACE.”

Everything at Firefly is really, really delicious and there are always a couple of sides that are vegetarian or vegan (or can be made vegan) and at least one vegan entree. The vegan entree the night we went was OUT OF THIS WORLD. Basically, it was phyllo pastry stuffed with all sorts of perfectly cooked vegetables on a pile of perfect rice. My description is horrible but to sum it up, my knees buckled and angels sang; it was like being in heaven without the crappy death part. The vegan dish right now is roasted fall vegetables and sauteed greens with pomegranate salsa, quinoa and Luc’s Indiana green harissa. If brussels sprouts are on the menu, get them. Same with anything made with beets. I will be eating that on Saturday night when I go there on a for real date not with my parents. Moving up in the world!

Oh also, the waitresses are all sex pots and I wanted to mount the busboy at the table. LAURA GROSS WHAT THE STAFF’S ATTRACTIVE!!

So, more recap on actual establishment. Firefly: food is amazing, vegetarian and vegan options (although I wish there were more! C’mon! Give us more, Firefly, and you could be in Lauras for DAYS!) in a very romantical setting. It’s a date place if ever a date place existed. Plus, it’s nice to walk around Noe Valley hand in hand after dinner and count the number of screaming babies and then go home and make sweet love wearing 19 condoms and using a pound of spermicide. You might want to throw on a dental dam or five just in case. Alternately, you can just rip out your uterus and run it over with your car.

Oh and no vegan desserts at Firefly. Boo.

Finally, I must issue a demerit for the following reason:
I’m about to go on an Animal Rights Bender so please pass this enormously long run-on sentence if you can’t handle the HEAT! Firefly says something on the menu that’s like, “The animals that we serve are raised and slaughtered humanely and aren’t pumped full of chemicals and crack cocaine and shit like that,” and while that’s very cute and clever, the animals that they serve were not humanely slaughtered and just…the making light of something like that turns me off. It’s like, those animals gave their lives for you to fucking enjoy your pork tenderloin so don’t fucking make jokes about it. Almost all animals from every farm in the U.S. go to one of the few processing slaughterhouses that are HELLHOLES and they spend their final days scared shitless surrounded by death so really, don’t make a goddamn joke about it, goddammit.

*Ugh, fuck it! They’re both crazy!

[exterior photo via Firefly]

The wait at Universal Cafe for brunch is retarded. I mean, it’s (almost) utterly and impossibly unbearable. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to murder. On occasion, I may actually start to gnaw on my own hand to curb my painful hunger. Also, if it’s cold out, you better bundle up like the two SUPER-BEAUTIFUL and EXTREMELY HOT ladies in the above photo. The day this photo was taken, we waited for something like 19 hours. I still can’t feel my toes.

Once you get inside, this place is cool. It has a very New York City feel to it…could easily be in Chelsea or some such. They serve a very popular brunch, lunch, and dinner on most days. This is a good place to take your omni friends and family if you want to watch them eat meat in front of you as there are very few vegan options on the menu and honestly, that’s unacceptable. You’re hip, you’re in the Mission, you cater to assholes and guess what? A fair number of assholes in this neighborhood are vegan. I know, I am one. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE TOFUTTI, SAN FRANCISCO! Vegans are HERE! We’re QUEER! We’re FABULOUS! DON’T FUCK WITH US! AND MAKE US SOME MOTHERFUCKING BRUNCH BEFORE I HUNT YOU DOWN LIKE BAMBI, KILL YOUR MOTHER AND LEAVE YOU ALONE IN THE WOODS WITH ONLY A DERANGED RABBIT AS YOUR GUIDE. I mean, SHIT. Do I need to take this to the streets? Hasn’t it already been taken to the streets? I will not fucking sit at the back of the fucking bus. I want some fucking tofu scrambles, I want some fucking soy milk and I want some motherfucking Earth Balance. I MEAN, FUCKING A. Why such a reluctance to accept us vegans into your world? Aren’t you after the green, green money, hundred-dollar bills, y’all? I mean, I’ve got money. Most of it’s green. The rest of it is yellow. It’s made by Milton Bradley who, by the by, are HUGE counterfeiters that the government is just sitting back and letting do whatever they want for some reason that is unbeknownst to me. They’re also committing massive amounts of real estate fraud by selling the same properties on Park Place AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.

Obviously they are in bed with Cheney but I haven’t had the time to figure it out yet. It’s complicated. Moving on.

As I think I have just clearly demonstrated, most of the great thinkers of all time were at least vegetarian and that’s because they (mostly) weren’t around for the mayhem that is today’s dairy and egg industries. Einstein, Tolstoy, Thoreau, Shaw, Plato, Newton, Van Gogh, the Shelleys, Rilke, Byron. The list goes on and on. As far as vegan, that list is huge and growing. And vegans are fresh, check THIS out. Prince is vegan—and stands two feet tall, looks like a purple-clad alien and STILL sleeps with chicks hotter than you and I will ever land—Alice Walker is vegan, KEVIN NEALON (!!!!) is vegan, Coretta Scott King was vegan, Margaret Cho is vegan, Carl Lewis is vegan, Leonardo da Vinci was vegan!, Dave Davies is vegan, Keenan Ivory Wayans is vegan, MOTHERFLIPPING Weird Al Yankovic IS VEGAN. ARE YOU TOO COOL FOR WEIRD AL??!! This is the man who penned “I’m Fat” and “Amish Paradise.” HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT.  

All that (crazily) said…. The chef is lovely enough to always concoct something specially for me and it’s always ridiculous delicious. Often, it’s some sort of hash with potatoes and carrots and YUM. Served with fresh fruit and tasty bread, it’s a perfect meal. The only reason I’m reviewing this place is because their specially made-for-a-vegan item is better than most stuff you can get at other places. How hard would it be to throw that on the menu?? I mean, it’s called, PROGRESS. In San Francisco, in the year 2008, in a fucking too-cool-for-school time and locale, is that too much to ask? If it is, then I’m moving my ass to fucking Des Moines or Duluth or fucking Daly City because why the fuck else do I pay through the keister to live in an über- (faux?) liberal city where forward-thinking, intelligent folks are supposed to be de rigeur? WHY? Where the fucking fuck are my fucking options?!?!? Why am I being treated like a second-class citizen because I have some fucking morals and care about something that’s bigger than, “OMG! Baby! That bacon was SOOOOOO good! I could only eat one bite! I’m SO full!” Also, a special note to the Skinny White Bitch next to me the other day who ordered some huge-ass steak and was pretending to be all down with ordering tons of food because “I don’t know, I can eat whatever I want! My metabolism is through the roof!” Bitch, you piss me the fuck off. I waited on you for four years and you always order the same fucking thing to impress your man and then end up taking two goddamn bites, claim that you are stuffed and then watch as he eats both meals. It makes me SICK! I mean, fuck you. If I ate meat, I would at least have the decency to finish the fucking meal. An animal died for you. UGH!

I mean, FUCK.

Also, I say “fuck” aprox. 520 times in this review. Hi, mom!

Oh yeah, for dinner you’ll be stuck with your classic baby greens salad and fries. They can usually make you a vegan flat bread or pasta dish but it depends. Not reliable and really only a place to go when you’re eating with non-vegans. UNTIL THEY READ THIS REVIEW AND EVERYTHING CHANGES RIGHT UNIVERSAL CAFE?! Universal Cafe is all, “Fuck off!” and I’m all, “I think you’re really pretty.*” and they’re all, “OK, whatever you want, Laura.” and then we ride off into the sunset on a bed of organic, sustainable, vegan menu options! I love it!

*Everyone wants to feel pretty. Even restaurants. This review is out of control. I’m gonna stop typing now.

[top photo by Megan Allison; exterior photo via yelp]

Once upon a time, there was a little restaurant with a bright neon sign called Yum Yum House. It was the best Chinese food for blocks—the meatless/mock/vegan chicken dishes were bountiful, the tofu was plentiful, the vegetables were varied and delightful. Yum Yum House’s deliveries were prompt and exact; they did not skimp on sauce; they never gave you a hard time over the phone. Nine months ago, had you asked me, I would’ve told you something like this:

The wonderful thing about Yum Yum HOUSE is that they will substitute almost any of their murdered-chicken dishes with tofu or “mock chicken,” so vegans & vegetarians have a larger selection than usual. Yum Yum HOUSE loves to make customers happy!

My ideal order from Yum Yum HOUSE: Chef’s Special Mandarin Chicken, and Szechuan broccoli. Those of us with larger appetites can also choose between a free (with orders of $10 and up) order of fried rice (no egg? no problem!) or chow mein. I always entertain the thought of putting on some rice after calling for delivery, figuring the delivery-person should arrive around the same time the rice is finished, and my rice is different colored and fragrant and fun; clearly superior to restaurant white.

If you can’t say no to free food, the fried rice no egg is better than the chow mein, which is too greasy for me. I spent a couple of my teenage years eating the cheapest, worst, most delicious chow mein ever: $2 for a box stuffed full of noodles, cabbage, and “chicken” if you wanted it, fifty cents more for a soda. O sodium. Two school years of that killed my taste for chow mein, so thought my gentleman-friend devours it, I can’t speak directly to its quality.

Yum Yum HOUSE! so nice, so timely, such reasonable prices. don’t ever change; unless you want to increase your vegan menu, in which case, send me a flyer post-haste.

However, sometime between then and now, YYHOUSE! lost its lease on the building on Valencia, and calling its phone number sent you to Jasmine Tea House (fine and all, but in my opinion inferior to YYH!’s menu). Depressed, we recycled the menu, and speculated about the fate of the amazing neon sign.

But suddenly, thanks to the magic of twitter and the size of our social circles (San Francisco: city and county: we run small), we have learned that Yum Yum House! has not vanished from our peninsula but moved to Pacific Heights, becoming the similarly yet-not-quite-as-appealingly named Yum Yum Hunan. Check the menu here; delicious and well priced Chinese food is one teeny phone call away. Oh! And if you are at all a fan of the purple giant, order the Yum Yum eggplant. It is somehow even better refried to crispiness the next day.

[photo by frankfarm]

For being delightfully in the heart of Oakland, the Parkway Speakeasy Theater place sure sees a lot of Skinny White Bitches.* In fact, I can count the number of black people I’ve seen here on one hand AND I ONLY HAVE TWO FINGERS. That’s a lie about the two fingers but wouldn’t that be cool? And by cool, I mean horrible. Other than the not-so-delightful gentrification (wait sorry, revitalization) of Oakland, I do enjoy sinking my fat white ass into one of the comfy (yet probably highly unsanitary) couches to enjoy a second generation first-run movie or art house feature. They also have special nights with horror films, kids’ films (you can bring your gross baby that night) and tons of other special events. But the coolest thing about the parkway is that you can GET ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES DURING THE MOVIE. OK, not all alcohol, it’s only beer and wine but there are decent selections in both categories. The second most awesome thing about The Parkway is that you can enjoy your movie while snacking on VEGAN PIZZA (they make their own vegan cheese, kinda like a fake ricotta but it works, and tons of vegan toppings!) They also make a few vegan sandwiches and salads and various other vegan-friendly snacks (and often vegan cookies!!)! It is a very satisfying experience. The vegan stuff is clearly marked on their menu and they’re open to suggestions so you can email them or leave a comment card when you’re there and they’ll try to accommodate. It was loud-mouthed vegans who got the vegan stuff onto the menu to begin with it so it pays to speak up and FIGHT THE POWER! Or NICELY MAKE A SUGGESTION!

Two more things: It’s only $5 admission price and it’s two-for-one on Wednesdays! Love that as I’m hella cheap. Also, they have a second location in El Cerrito if you want to enjoy a movie out in the sticks. El Cerrito is totally far away.

*Oh and calm the fuck down, Skinny White Bitches of the world. I don’t need any hate mail because I used such an offensive slur against your people. If being called a Skinny White Bitch is the worst thing that has ever happened to you well then, LIFE IS GOOD.

[marquee photo by disrupsean; beer and popcorn photo by queenkv]

Great India is hot damn delicious! It’s currently my first choice for Northern Indian food in San Francisco. This is because not only is it hot damn delicious, there are many vegan selections (try the Vegetable Sabzi and the Aloo Gobi! Both are exceptional!) and they don’t use ghee (butter) in any of the food! SCORE! The Aloo Paratha (most delectable wheat potato-filled bread) was the best I’ve ever had, vegan or not. It’s pretty cheap too; $8.95 gets you one LARGE dish that includes rice or naan. Lots of places do not give you rice or nan with the dish, making you pay extra because they know us assholes will pay for it! But the glorious Great India does not play us like that! I love them! The delivery is slow as fuck so order about an hour and a half before you think you’re gonna be hungry. Bonus because they deliver to the entire city.

Eating in is an awesome experience. First, you gotta find the place. It’s in outer BFE on Geary Boulevard at 25th Avenue Make sure to eat a lot because you will need the fuel to get the fuck out of the Richmond. Second, the lunch buffet is ONLY $6.45! Super cheap and almost everything is vegan! Woo! Third, the waitstaff actually knows what the word vegan means and so there is never any worry about eating something that will make you and your stomach very sad.

Fourth, if you eat here once, they will remember you forever. Especially if you’re a girl. Ladies, if you’re ever feeling unattractive, I suggest you get yourself to Great India where you will be treated as the twin sister of Catherine Deneuve! And I’m talking her Belle de Jour days! Although, current-day Catherine Deneuve is still about 100 times hotter than most of the uglies you see showing their ugly mugs in public. For shame, uglies. Anyway, they will lavish you with compliments, free drinks and free snacks and generally do everything short of going downtown. It’s delightful. Once, I ate here with my friend, Mark. When Mark went to go get fifths from the buffet, one of the guys asked me if he was my boyfriend and told me that if he ever mistreated me that they would take him out. Listen, Mark is The Super Gay. But he does mistreat me. Conflict. So I told the guy that I would let him know and then I WARNED MARK THAT HE BETTER TREAT ME RIGHT OR THE INDIAN MAFIA WOULD BE ON HIS ASS.

Man, that was a great day.

[Udaipur City Palace and Lake Pichola by pov_steve. Great India didn’t have many pictures on its website so that will have to do.]

1. Prop 2 passes in a landslide!!! This makes California the first state in the U.S. to ban battery cages (!!!!), and adds it to the list of states that have banned veal crates and gestation crates! It’s hard to describe how historic this win is but we’re incredibly excited to see these much needed changes in the industry. Next stop, everyone mandated to go vegan! KIDDING! KINDA!

2. A roundup of favorite sellers of vegan goods on Etsy, from New Vegetarian Life (blog appears to be down for now, so here is the Google cache link). Also, check out Etsy for Animals. A bunch of charitable craftsters donate goods to sell and 100% of the proceeds go to a different animal charity each month. SO AWESOME. We’ve purchased dog collars and vegan dog treats from them. According to Hazel, the treats are delicious. We love Etsy!

3. Do Dairy Products Help or Hinder Bone Loss? A discussion of the controversy over milk’s effects on bone density, and a “dairy addict” gets a bone scan (a rather unscientific sample size of one, mind). From Grass Dirt Corn.

4. Where President-Elect Obama Stands on Agriculture. Looks hopeful. Via Vegan.com. Also, as heard in his victory speech, President-Elect Obama (so exciting to type that!), promised his daughters a puppy. Luckily, Michelle Obama announced that they would be adopting a rescue puppy! Woohoo! Sign the online thank you card to the Obama family for choosing the best kind of dog, a rescued one! To the puppy that gets adopted by them: YOU ARE THE LUCKIEST G-D PUPPY IN THE WORLD I WISH I WERE YOU I AM SO JEALOUS!!!
Update: you have to watch this, it’s so cute. Obama talking about how his preference is a mutt, like him! But also Malia is allergic so it has to be a dog that won’t make her sneeze all the time. MIGHT I SUGGEST, a purebred rescue dog! There are tons! A poodle is perfect for people with allergies and there are lots of poodle rescues! Puppies, even! And I’m sure they rescue would bend over backwards to get the first family their first pick of adorable puppy!

5. Winter will soon be upon us and we at Vegansaurus know how hard it is to find an adorable vegan winter coat. Fucking wool WTF?! We found a great post on Vegan Fashion Blog about cute winter coats. We also suggest thrift stores, online vegan shops like Alternative Outfitters and places like H&M, Target and Old Navy where a bunch of the coats are vegan just because they’re too cheap to buy animal products. Of course there are all the other crappy things about companies like that. Ugh, life is impossible sometimes.

6. This is the kind of thing that gives us vegans a bad name. Please stop.

And I just could not decide between this single adorable white baby koala, and an entire adorable species of pink fairy armadillos.

[koala photo via what possessed me; pink fairy armadillo photo via the argentine institute for arid zones research]

Jasmine Tea House is where Bill Clinton gets his delivery from when he’s in town and if you couldn’t tell it by looking at him, the Big Dog knows from food. Also, if you couldn’t tell it by looking at him, you need some glasses. Anyway, Jasmine Tea House has the absolute best fake chicken in all of San Francisco. I make this statement and I’m prepared to back it up. Preferred method of backing it up = my fists. There are a limited number of preparations of the magical meatless chicken listed under the vegetable section of the menu but they can veganize any of the chicken dishes. You absolutely MUST get the sesame fake chicken. Trust me. My omni friends like it even better than real chicken because they say it doesn’t have all the funky gristly parts and is instead, perfect chicken-like cubes of deep fried and sauced perfection! Just typing this, my mouth is begins to water for it. That is not a lie. And all I have is this nasty Luna bar. God is not good.

In addition to the glorious meatless chicken, the Singapore noodles are delicious and I also recommend the garlic spinach and the pea shoots if you want a meal with something other than fry. Pussy. They deliver anywhere in San Francisco and you get a free (gross) chow mein or free (gross) fried rice with any order over $15. They can substitute the chow mein or fried rice with plain white or brown rice if you ask and I highly recommend that because the chow mein and fried rice are GROSS.

Now, onto the employees. They’re mainly awesome, occasionally grumpy and sometimes incompetent city. One particularly frustrating evening, I ordered delivery and found that my fake chicken was indeed real chicken. Freaked out, I called back and went through an entire 20 minutes of arguing over whether or not I ordered fake chicken and then whether or not what I had was real or fake chicken. Listen, bitch. I know what I ordered because this is how I order fake meat at a restaurant that also serves real meat:

“I’d like the fake vegetarian vegan fake meatless chicken dish made with fake vegan meatless fake chicken.”

YOU FEEL ME???

Don’t argue with me about what I ordered, just send over the correct order right now because I’m FUCKING STARVING. And while this was a devastating, shitty event for me, it was a truly special night for my dog Hazel who eats and loves the vegan dog food I feed but was more than happy to tuck into a bowl of lemon chicken. MY OWN CHILD-DOG. Ugh, sometimes I’m so disappointed with her lack of will power. She’ll never get into Harvard at this rate!

[Jasmine Tea House photos via its website]

I’m in New Jersey right now, hiding out and hustling from my parent’s dining room. My mother bought me a package of bagels from New York and I have been slowly devouring them, with my coffee in the morning/afternoon (can’t quite get on East Coast time), which made me want to talk about where to get bagels in San Francisco.

Now, if you live in California and you’ve had the pleasure of biting into a New York bagel, let’s make something very clear: bagels in San Francisco are a compromise, a test of your true love. Your palate will adjust, but there’s nowhere on the West Coast that has bagels that are as good (something about the water, I hear?).

That being said, I only consider two places in town as bagel contenders.

Katz Bagels in several locations: Lower Haight, the Mission, and SOMA
The bagels themselves are OK; when eaten fresh they are doughy and satisfying, and certainly not as sweet as a Noah’s Bagel, but I mention Katz here because they are vegan-friendly. They carry Tofutti, including the Herbs & Chives variety, which you can then load up with vegetables if you wish. You can also get peanut butter or hummus on your bagel if the sometimes plasticky taste of Tofutti bugs you.

House of Bagels in the Inner Richmond
Personally, I like House of Bagels the best. They’re a very close approximation of a NY bagel and they even taste okay if you don’t toast them (I have never toasted a bagel until moving to California, TRUE FACT!). However, no vegan-friendly toppings here, so you’ll want to buy a dozen and take them home and do with them what you will. There are a few places in town that sell them, including Real Food and Rainbow, so you don’t have to go to the Inner Richmond if you don’t want to.

What are your favorite places to get bagels in town?

[photo by Rusvaplauke]

NO. No, fighting for animal rights and fighting for human rights are not mutually exclusive battles. As a volunteer for the Prop. 2 campaign in San Francisco, I can say it took a lot of convincing to get people on our side, whereas the No on 8 signs appeared in windows citywide seemingly overnight. No one I know voted for Prop. 8, and we are all extremely upset over its apparent passage.

BUT Prop. 2 is groundbreaking legislation, and farm animals deserve the freedoms this is going to give them. Locking up chickens six-to-eight to a cage for their entire lives is unacceptable. It’s inhumane and disgusting, and this election proved that a majority of California voters finally believe that too.

It is too easy to ignore the treatment of animals raised for food—animals no one thinks of as “cute,” they live in their own filth, when their limbs break they stay broken—but in the nation’s largest agricultural state, we have now promised to pay attention. Prop. 2 gives a voice to the voiceless food animals, without altering the fundamental relationship most people have with them.

Gay people have voices, and advocates. We will fix this. If Prop. 8 does pass, it will be challenged in the courts, and a proposition overturning it will go on the 2010 ballot, and Californians will recognize gay marriage again, for the third and FINAL time. I am sorry that the No on 8 campaign was unsuccessful; it certainly wasn’t for a lack of money or sponsorship: PG&E, Levi’s, Google, Apple—major corporations came out against it, as did the papers, and the celebrities, and everyone with a heart and a brain. It shouldn’t have passed, but it did.

You might say the same thing about Prop. 2, except that the Humane Society ran its campaign extremely well, and the workers and volunteers were tireless, and we ultimately succeeded. Maybe because we felt the odds against it passing were so great, HSUS knew not to give up to let up; maybe opponents felt that the odds of Prop. 8 passing were so small, it didn’t seem like they had to fight it as hard as we proponents did.

Never think that animal rights activists value animal rights over human rights. Consider that what we want is equality on a much greater scale; we want a society where all beings can live free from violence and hunger and hatred. Personally, I give my time to animals and my money to people, and I feel all right with that division. Maybe, instead of railing against the citizens who were so good as to pass Prop. 2 voting “for the cute animals,” you the outraged might give your time and money to the new fight against Prop. 8. I’m sure it’s needed.

itsbedtime:

I went and ate a bunch of chicken with Ed tonight and I was really exhausted from eating so much celebration food that I came home and spaced out in front of episodes of Picket Fences on my computer and tried to decompress. I don’t know if this point has been brought up or not, and I’m sure it probably has by this late hour, but I feel like I gotta say something:

It appears that the ban on gay marriage is going to get passed, as well as Prop 2, which as Spiegs put it is basically asking that we give chickens “more legroom”.

What this tells me, California, is that you value the life of a chicken that was breed for your consumption more than you do about equal rights for your fellow man. Uh, hey guys? That’s fucking retarded.

No, I mean. I get it. Animals are cute. When you were voting to pass Prop 2, you were thinking “Oh, yeah. Well, I like animals. Sure!” But it’s about more than that, as is banning gay marriage. Voting no on the ban was not about letting the homos catch up to you and possibly beat you in the race of life, you fucking bigots. It was about preventing permanent restrictions on our rights. If you can’t look outside of yourself to find a reason to care, think about a right that you have been afforded as a citizen of this country being taken away from you because you are a part of any marginalized group. If that’s the kinda thing we’re into, then I want to ban all James Francos from boning any not mes.

Anyway, people are fucking idiots, but it’s OK. We have a black president, I have Sour Patch Kids.

Happy Election Day, ya’ll!!! It should come as no surprise that all the Vegansaurs are very Pro-Bama, as well as very firmly Yes on 2.

Many of you will be throwing election parties tonight to watch the returns (and hopefully cry like a baby when Obama wins) and I thought I’d give you a little help with your menu.

1. Serve Silk Nog
Silk Nog has made its triumphant return to grocery stores for the holiday season and there is no time to start drinking it like tonight; a well lubricated throat more effectively yells at the television.

2. Blue Food
Jezebel recommended eating blue food in honor of a Democratic victory, which I think is a really cool idea. Here are some ideas: Vegan LunchBox gives us an incredibly easy blueberry pie recipe.  Or you can follow the lead of La Vegan Loca and make these gorgeous Obama-themed blueberry cookies. If you don’t have time for that, there’s the wonderful Terra Blue potato chips (anyone want to buy some blue potatoes and try out Laura’s microwaved potato chips? Let us know if you do!). You could also try your hand at veganizing blue mashed potatoes or if you really want to take this theme to the next level, buy some faux bleu cheese, or Bleu Sheese. What the Hell Does a Vegan Eat Anyway has a wonderful-looking recipe for an arugula and Bleu Sheese pizza.

3. Get all patriotic
Today is a pretty awesome day to be an American. If you are really, really proud of your country (or want to get ready to be proud of your country when Obama takes it back), have some patriotic treats ready. You can make red, white, and blue cupcakes, or you can make all of the

patriotic food listed in this Associated Content article, “How to Make Patriotic Salads and Veggie Finger Foods.” Highlights include: Festive Fourth of July Slaw!—we recommend Wildwood Garlic Aioli or Vegenaise as mayo substitutions—and Stars and Stripes Vinagrette! Patriotism demands exclamation points!!

You could also, you know, celebrate like Real (vegan) America: get a 24-pack of your favorite nonpartisan beer (that means nothing from the Anheuser-Busch company, my friends), a package of Tofurky sausages, a bag of tater tots, and a package of Newman-O’s, and gorge yourselves on junk food and malt liquor.

Here’s to the future!

[Silk Nog photo by vigilant20]