vegansaurus!

I am fat, poor, and love electronics. Hence, the birth of the microwave potato chip. All you need are some large russet potatoes, salts, spices and herbs of your choosing and a microwave. If you’re one of those people who don’t have a microwave on principle, go away, you disgust me. If you’re one of those people who don’t have a microwave because you’re too poor, come over here so I can smack you in the head! Have you ever BEEN to a garage sale?! They are the no. 2 best garage-sale-seller after “white family selling the used-once rice cooker”! Don’t tell me $15 is too much to pay for your happiness! I believe my love for the microwave is so strong that I actually willed it into being. That is right, I think I invented the microwave. Along with the La-Z-Boy recliner, the movie Cabin Boy, and dogs.

So, first. You take the potatoes. You mandolin* slice them. Then, you lay the slices out on a piece of parchment paper. Next, you cover them in whatever deliciousness you desire: salt, pepper, salt AND pepper, fresh rosemary, dried rosemary, five-spice mix, Thai seasoning, whatever! Go crazy! We did each batch with a different flavor sensation. Then, you microwave them for two to three minutes, depending on how powerful (read: new) your microwave is.

They should start to shrink and curl at the edges a little. Finally, take them out and transfer them to a plate or bowl. Or your mouth. However, I suggest waiting a couple minutes for them to finish the crispification process!

One large russet potato will yield a shitload of chips. I imagine you can also try other types of potatoes and go all Terra Chips-nutso but I haven’t tried that yet. Yet.

*SO FANCY! You can probably find a cheap-o one at any thrift store, or a pricier one at Williams Sonoma or Sur la Table or somewhere equally gay.

Rick and Ann’s is a good breakfast and brunch spot for vegetarians and vegans as the tofu scramble is delicious and they serve a yummy potato hash, made with sweet & white potatoes, sweet bell peppers, corn and apples! I like to get the tofu scramble and substitute the vegetarian hash for the home fries. HOWEVER, I also LOVE the french fries (of the shoestring variety, which you can get for breakfast!) but a word to the wise, the small fries would satisfy fat Oprah, you dig? You get the large and you’re wandering into Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man territory. And i don’t think any of us want that. Especially not these guys.

They also serve lunch and dinner but those are more meals that you would make do with if you had to go out with meat-eaters, not a place for a vegan to dine alone or in the company of other vegans. However, if you’re looking for a place to eat with omnis and you’re in the Claremont district at the Berkeley/Oakland border, it’s a decent choice. You can choose from their veggie chili, portobello mushroom sandwich (ugh, you again), veggie burger (it’s vegan…I believe it’s a boca burger) and a few fancified salads.

One warning. Rick and Ann’s can have some HORENDOUS wait times for tables, especially on the weekends. In fact, one particularly awful Saturday about a year ago, I had to wait 1½ hours for a table. ONE AND A HALF HOURS. It was especially terrible because it forced me to endure the following conversation with my mother:

Picture this: Me (Laura B) and my crazy mom (Crazy Momma B) sitting on a bench in-front of the nearby Peet’s, waiting for a table. Waiting and waiting and waiting.

Crazy Momma B: I have to tell you something. It’s a secret, you can’t tell anyone. NOT EVEN YOUR FATHER.
Laura B: Uh, okay?
Crazy Momma B: I mean it, Laura. You can’t tell ANYBODY.
Laura B: You’re pregnant?
Crazy Momma B: Laura, I’m being serious.  

(Please keep in mind that this is how my mom talks when she is about to tell me shit like she and my father are breaking up, and it’s over and he’s keeping the house and she’s going to rent a cute little flat in Berkeley and then I’ll meet her to go look at cute little flat in Berkeley and she’ll be like, “Oh it’s all patched up, let’s go to brunch!” Or say, when she told me she had BOUGHT a HOUSE in PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH COUNTRY without telling my father. All true, I swear to god, as I live and breathe. Anyway, I’m so TIRED of the drama but you can’t very well get out of it when you want a free breakfast, can you?)

Laura B: Fine, Mom, what?
Crazy Momma B: I have $1 million in gold in the basement of the house.
Laura B: (spits out Peet’s coffee): WHAT?!
Cray Cray CRAY-ZAY Momma B: I have been collecting gold on and off for the past 20 years and now I have over $1 million worth of it. I keep it in the basement.
Laura B: WHAT?!
SHE IS FUCKING OUT OF HER GOURD Momma B: I just thought you should know…. You know, in case anything should happen to me.
Laura B: What the fuck is going to happen to you?
C-C-C Momma B: Cool it with the mouth! And you never know, you never know…
Laura B: Are you going to kill yourself? Are there loan sharks after you? Are the going to cut off your legs and feed them to me in a soup?!
C-C-C Momma B: Don’t tell your father.
Laura B: Oh yeah, this isn’t something you should share with YOUR HUSBAND OF 30-PLUS* YEARS.
C-C-C Momma B: Really, I don’t need the attitude, Laura.  

(Laura B practices her deep breathing exercises as advised by therapist)

C-C-C Momma B: Oh don’t pull that new age crap with me, Laura.  
Laura B: I’m gonna go check on our table.
Laura B (around the corner and out of earshot of C-C-C Momma B): And by check on our table I mean call Dad. HA!

So I whip out my phone to call my father and inform him of just how infuckingsane the woman he married is and he says, “Wow. A million? I mean, I knew she’d been collecting—she doesn’t know I know but I know—and I had NO clue it was this much. Time to get her a new life insurance policy. HAHAHA!”**

THIS IS MY LIFE!!! THESE ARE MY PARENTS!!! DO YOU ALL NOW UNDERSTAND HOW AMAZING IT IS THAT I AM A CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF OUR SOCIETY OR FOR THAT MATTER, CAN SPEAK IN WHOLE SENTENCES AND DON’T CARRY A DROOL CUP?!

*I say 30-plus because I have no clue how long my parents have been married. Who’s the terrible mom now?!
**At least my dad had the good sense to get the gold moved to a lock box in a bank. Jesus Christ.

[photos via Rick & Ann’s]

El Metate is a solid choice for a vegan burrito or taco. They don’t make me walk into light poles so hard I’m knocked nearly unconscious because I’m so preoccupied with their deliciousness (like an El Farolito burrito MAY or MAY have made me do once) but they’re very good. One thing they have going for them is the best Mexican rice in town. It’s just magical deliciousness…tomatoes and bay leaves and onions—perfect. The veggie burrito has actual pan-fried broccoli, carrots, and zucchini in it. It’s kinda like a Chinese stir-fry burrito. If Amy Tan had a baby with Juan Valdez, this is what it would taste like.* It’s really good but you have to be in the mood to eat a whole community garden worth of roughage. Which, to you, might sound either amazing or kinda gross. For me, it’s a place I have to be in the mood for. See, El Farolito, like with sex/drugs/rockn’roll/whining/bitching/eatingcookies/complaining/blamingmyparentsforallofthemisfortunesofmyexistence, I’m always in the mood for it.

Some things to note: El Metate is open from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. every day of the week. The watermelon fresca is fucking delicious, refreshing and light! Stay away from the corn chips and go with the flour ones instead. The owner couldn’t be more friendly and adorable. He’ll most likely tell you that you look like some ridiculous celebrity. Depending on the day, it might be Lindsay Lohan or Danny Devito. Whatevs, I’ll take it!

*like Amy Tan would do it with a dude who wasn’t white?! If there’s one thing I learned from The Joy Luck Club it’s that Chinese women be marrying white men. And that Chinese men are mean and/or weak. And also, the importance of understanding one’s heritage. That’s why I’m taking a trip to HomeTown Buffet today. It’s important to remember your roots.

[photo via yelp]

A few places in town that are surprisingly vegan-friendly.

1. Pork Store—two locations: one in the Haight; one in the Mission. This is how much San Francisco wants you to be happy: it gives you a diner called the Pork Store and throws a really nice, garlicky tofu scramble on the menu, the “Vegan Delight.” From my numerous times sitting at the counter at the Haight location, I can tell you they use different pans for the tofu.

2. Q—One of only a few places on Clement Street to get non-Asian food, Q is an adorable restaurant: good for brunch, good for dinner, good for dates, good for anything.  For brunch they have a tofu scramble, which they call “Hippy Heaven” and for dinner/lunch they have a grilled vegetable cornucopia called the “Ultimate Vegan Grill.” They also, quite notably, serve tater tots.They have an amazing wine list and serve sangria, so if you really don’t want to eat, you can always just get drunk. None of us will judge you (too much).

3. Casa Mexicana I (in the Castro) and II (in Noe Valley)—we love burritos at Vegansaurus! If you can’t take the greasiness of El Farolito or the long waits at Papalote, Casa Mexicana is a local taqueria chain (I’m certain they’re affiliated with some other taquerias in town, but have no evidence) with some tasty vegan options including lard-free beans, vegetarian rice and tofu ranchero; blocks of tofu covered in wonderful red sauce. Here’s what you do: you get a tofu ranchero burrito with refried beans, add avocado. You go to to the salsa bar, you add roasted tomato salsa and more cilantro. You love everything about life right at that moment.

[photo via yelp]

Fuck the waitress at Rudy’s Can’t Fail Cafe here for the following conversation:

My mother: Oh this is fun music, is it a Halloween tape?
Hooker Whore Waitress (ROLLS HER M’EFFIN’ EYES AND SAYS): Um, NO, this is The Cramps.
My MOTHER (MOTHER, PEOPLE! AS IN, THIS WOMAN BIRTHED ME, HAVE SOME FUCKING R-E-S-P-E-C-T, RESPECT!): Oh, well, it’s very Halloweeny!
Hooker Whore Waitress: Yeah, well, it’s The Cramps, NOT Halloween music.
Laura: LADY, I WILL MURDER YOU!!!

It’s like, my mother is clearly in her 200s and doesn’t know The Cramps from The Shins from the Elvis, SO FUCKING BE A LITTLE NICE. These ladies need to be sent to charm school or clown college or somewhere where they are fucking taught some g-d manners. In fact, bring me in to school these bitches, they’ll be delivering waffles on a cloud of pirouettes and curtsying after giving you coffee made of dreams and shit like that. I’m all class, people.

Other than that, decent vegan breakfast selections and any of the egg dishes can me made with tofu. They also offer Soyrizo and Morningstar vegetarian (fuck you, Morningstar) sausages. For lunch, you’ll have your normal choices of a few salads and the unexceptional Portobello Mushroom burger. Oh yeah, Boca burgers too. Woo. One exciting thing about the dinner menu is Buffalo Tofu but there isn’t a vegan ranch or anything so you’ll probably be left to dip it in oil & vinegar. Woo.

Rudy’s Can’t Fail Cafe, for all of its hipness, still isn’t totally down with the vegans. I never really look forward to eating here; nothing on the menu seems especially made to lure in the veggies. I don’t like that. For its location, atmosphere and its supposed anti-establishment ways, there should be more of an effort made to hook a vegan girl up! One final note: there is one nice chef who will make substitutions in orders and one mean chef who will fucking make no exceptions even if you will die of an allergic reaction due to a certain ingredient in a menu item. He’s all, live with it. Even if you don’t. What an ass.

One extra point for when they let me put flyers of my foster dog named Rudy up all over the place. He’s this really cute blind pit bull and they wallpapered the restaurant with him. It was capital-A Awesome.

[photos via Rudy’s Can’t Fail Cafe]

I was given a box of truffles from XOX for my birthday last year and fuck me if I haven’t been hooked on these amazing bite sized bonbons since. The vegan flavors are Dark Chocolate, Orange, and Noisette (Hazelnut! in French!). They are rich and creamy and they literally MELT IN YOUR MOUTH. AND ALSO IN YOUR HAND. BE CAREFUL. Just thinking about these things, my mouth waters. And I’m not even really a chocolate person. Actually, I hate when women are like, “Chocolate is better than sex!” Is your name Cathy? Do you have a boyfriend named Irving? GET OUT OF MY FACE. Now, mashed potatoes…that’s another thing. I’d kill a man for some mashed potatoes. I would literally kill a man. I’d probably kill Colonel Sanders. I’d raise that motherfucker from the dead and then re-kill his ass. In fact, I’d love to kill any man involved with the Kentucky Fried Chicken regime, including the man known as Star Jones because I know he was a KFC stockholder at some point (or at least looked like one). I would like to send them all through a slaughterhouse while I take all of the lovely chickens out and we will enjoy big vats of mashed potatoes and have a dance party. It will RULE.

Another man I’d kill for some mashed potatoes is Tobey Maguire. I just don’t like the way that kid looks. He should donate his face to Down Syndrome research. While I’m at it, I’d kill Julia Stiles for a pack of Orbit gum. Seriously, have you seen Mona Lisa Smile? Well, I DID. IN THE THEATER. Ugh, I’ve said too much.

Okay Bay Area fat-asses, time for a road trip!

Murphys, California is about a two-hour drive from SF, or maybe more if you obey the rules of the road. Not me! I drive like a bat out of hell because YOUR LAWS DO NOT APPLY TO ME, I MUST BE FREE! Also, I have no regard for human life, yours or my own. However, should an animal cross my path, I will cause a 10-car pileup to avoid hitting it. I am a total asshole. Murphys the quaintest, cutest, most adorable, pinch-its-cheeks-and-show-me-where-the-hookers-lived little Gold Rush town in all of creation. I seriously love anything and everything having to do with the Gold Rush. If I could be alive during any other time, I would choose to be Queen Victoria. After that, I would choose to live during the Time of the Unicorns. After that, I would choose to live in a gold-mining town in the Sierra foothills. I would most likely mine billions of dollars’ worth of gold and spend the rest of the day sunbathing and eating bonbons. In the evenings, I would do it with lots of hookers and have shootouts with my twin brother, who looks just like me but is EVIL. My name would be Wild Laura Quick Draw. Seriously, does anyone have a DeLorean?

Anyway, things you expect to find in Murphys are: antiques shops; things with “Frog” in the title (it’s Mark Twain country, baby!); Local Experts on the Gold Rush who might also be Skeevy Old Dudes Who Want to Do It with You; more antique shops; people who collect things like “Mountain Man Doll” (see photo—it’s great); wineries, a.k.a. FREE ALCOHOL; and more antiques shops. Oh, and a few cowboy/biker bars because rape was really big during the Gold Rush. Listen, I never said history was pretty.

One thing you might not expect to find is ONE OF THE BEST VEGETARIAN RESTAURANTS I’VE EVER EATEN AT. Jigga what? THAT IS CORRECT. Jigga who? YOU HEARD.

Mineral is an intimate (read: hella teeny tiny), super-cute vegetarian restaurant right on Murphys’ Main Street. Yes, it is called Main Street. I told you this town is fucking adorable. Inside, it gets even better. The lighting is amazing, even dogs* would look super-hot in this space. It has an exposed kitchen so you can watch the chef do his thing, and his thing is making the most goddamned delicious food you ever sunk your fat face into! Some of the food was so good, words failed me. It’s kinda like a fancified California Cuisine, I guess? My menu favorites were the Red Miso and Mexican Lime Bisque with House Made Smoked Tofu, Potato Coriander Seitan in a Hemp Fondue with Chive Oil, and Indian-Spiced FRIED CHOCOLATE. HELLO! Everything is vegetarian and most everything on the menu is vegan or can be made vegan. I went to dinner with some talkative bitches but I’m telling you, the entire meal was basically silent with the exception of a few “HOLY SHIT!”s.  I don’t know how to grammatically work “HOLY SHIT”s out so I’m moving on.

Afterward, the chef and waitress/hostess/co-owner sat with us and shared some wine and we talked about how amazing they are. They are both completely down to earth and sweet and welcoming and fantastic. It’s not the cheapest place I’ve ever eaten but it’s on point with the other nice restaurants in the area, and when you see the quality of the organic, local ingredients they use, it’s more than reasonable. Apparently the lunch is off the hook too with the best homemade veggie burgers on EARTH. I tried to get back but didn’t make it out of bed on time and they close at 3 p.m. for lunch. WHAT? I WAS ON VACATION.

If you are a veggie or vegan or AWESOME in the Bay Area or Sacramento (it’s only about an hour from Sacto and don’t you want to get the fuck out of Sacramento anyway?!), I definitely advise a road trip up to this area with a must stop at Mineral for both lunch and dinner. Also, if you bring a lady friend, you will totally get laid. Just saying.

*ugly people, not real dogs, that is a health code violation!

[photos by the author]

It’s that time of the month, er week again as we take you on a tour of the internet. Some stuff we liked this week:

1. The folks at Ethical Pizza gave local vegan donut baker People’s Donuts a visit and showed us some vegan donut-making and -frying in action. It’s amazing to me how quickly People’s has expanded, I remember when they showed up on Yelp just a year ago. It just goes to show what a huge demand there is for vegan goods.

2. Always helpful Ask Metafilter has a useful vegan question: What are some good bulk vegan recipes?

3. Tips for stocking your pantry on the cheap in this tanking economy from Vegan Guinea Pig.

4. Really clever vegan lifehack: put a list of common animal ingredients to watch out for your on your iPod! (via I Am Not A Rabbit)

5. A funny vegan rant, in video format. This guy is either a genius and a saint, or an obsessed serial killer. (via Vegan Soapbox)

6. Ezra Klein noticed that Obama got Michael Pollan’s open letter. Unlike some politicians, Obama reads!

And of course… your cute animal picture of the week! What is it? A baby tapir!

The first time I went to Udupi Palace, we were a group of eight, and our bill for eight dosas, four (or five) appetizers, and six (or seven) beers was something like $120. That is (hang on, I have to work out the math) $15 per person, for that much food! Incredible. I guess their overhead is lower because they are a vegetarian establishment and do not have to pay for things like the bodies of murdered lambs, which tend to cost more than vegetables and grains. Their dosas are enormous, crispy on the outside, soft on the inside, and the different fillings are delicious. They have a large selection of vegan tidbits, but look carefully for yogurt sauce, it is a wily foe. The plain coconut chutney is scrumptious, though not very adventurous for the spicy-minded among us. You get two other, spicier chutneys for dipping, so worry not.

That first excursion was on a Tuesday night during its first month of business, and by 8 p.m. the place was packed. At that point they had a few kinks to work out with service; that said, they certainly were generous with the water, which is very smart and considerate, especially of weaklings like me who can’t handle even moderately spicy food.

I had the Udupi special spring dosa, which came with the standard Mysore Masala filling plus spring vegetables ($7.95). It was delicious, and way too much for me to finish at one meal. One of my dining companions got the spinach masala dosa, which made me want to order next time, it was so good. The fried idli and sambar vada were really, really tasty as well.

My gentleman friend and I stopped in for an early dinner last Sunday, four months after my first trip (eating in is saving money!), and we split a Mysore Masala dosa and an idli, which was plenty of food to carry us through until bedtime. It’s still delicious, and your water glass never stays empty.

In sum, Udupi Palace’s menu is quite superior to its neighbor Dosa’s, and significantly less expensive as well. It is the best South Indian food I have had in the city, and I will definitely eat there again. And again and again.

Nuts to you, Dosa the restaurant, with your overpriced menu and your pushy waitstaff and your pretensions. Udupi serves the dosa of the overprivileged middle-class, and we will have our meal for $3 cheaper, and we will use that $3 to buy an expensive gourmet coffee, which will make us feel guilty for wasting money we could have saved by drinking coffee at home, so when we arrive at our extremely overpriced apartments that we can afford because of our low-level white-collar jobs, we will use our computers to donate money to causes like the Yes on 2 campaign because by god we are overprivileged jerks who appreciate our ability to buy Indian street food at 500 times its price in India, and we show it by giving some of our wardrobe money to charity! DAMN IT!

[photos via yelp]

So yesterday, Jonas sent me a link to this video on the New York Times website. It features Kenny Shopsin, this fabulous cursing muppet dude—basically,  Bruce Vilanch done over as a truck stop chef; seriously, watch the video, this guy’s the best*—making something that blew my mind: MAC ‘N’ CHEESE PANCAKES! I knew I had to have them for dinner, if not right now! So, last night, we fried up a big batch of mac ‘

n’ cheesecakes and some Match Meat Italian Sausages!

Here is what we did. Follow these directions TO THE LETTER. I am unyielding.

First, pour yourself a Crown and water, on the rocks. If you skip this step, everything else will suck.

Next, you need to boil up some macaroni. Or whatever pasta you want, really. I didn’t have enough macaroni last night and so I used some spiral pasta too. I AM A REBEL! When the pasta is cooked al dente then you drain and stir in a little olive oil. Set aside.

Then, grate some cheese into a bowl. I suggest Teese or Follow Your Heart, if those options are available to you. If they’re not, either 1) move the fuck away from whatever Podunk town you’re dying in or b) just kill yourself with a block of veganrella. I think just trying to eat the whole thing should do it.

Set the bowl of macaroni and the bowl of cheese close to the stove so you can reach them easily for assembling your pancakes! And now you need to make pancake batter. I suggest:

• 1 cup flour [experiment with different kinds. I used whole wheat last night but I think chickpea could be good!]
• 1 Tbsp. vegan sugar
• 2 Tbsp. baking powder
• ⅛ tsp. salt [I would mess around with types of salt here: kosher, truffle, etc.!]
• 1 cup soy [or almond/rice/hemp/coconut/human breast] milk
• 2 Tbsp. vegetable oil

First mix the dry ingredients together. When that’s done, start your griddle (that word literally makes my mouth water) on high so that it gets super-hot. Go back to your batter and mix in your wet ingredients. DO NOT OVER-MIX, over-mixing will kill your fluffy mac ‘n’ cheesecakes and you will be all :-(. Next, add some Earth Balance to your griddle and wait until it melts and is kinda bubbly. Then, you want to add enough batter for the size pancake that you want. I wanted one the size of a crop circle but Jonas was cooking so.

Let it cook for about a minute and then put a couple tablespoons of the macaroni in the middle of the pancake and immediately top that with a bunch of cheese. Using a thin metal spatula, quickly turn the pancakes and gently tap to make them uniform in thickness. Cook until golden, about two minutes. Serve, macaroni-side up, with Earth Balance and warm maple syrup. HELLO DELICIOUS!

This photo is with a Match Meat patty we grilled up to go with our mac ‘n’ cheesecakes. Yes, I know it looks like Pizza the Hut. SHUT UP, IT TASTED DELICIOUS.

If you’re feeling adventurous (read: extra-gluttonous), make it vegan heart-attack-style by crumbling some fake sausage (we used the Match Meat Italian Sausage) and throwing it on top of the macaroni, before the cheese. That was our best pancake; a Hamburger Helper pancake. We dubbed it über-pancake, the Cheesy Beef Cake; it won the Blue Ribbon at my State Fair in Fatlandia, pop. All the Awesome Fat People.

Finally, DO NOT GIVE ANY OF YOUR PANCAKES TO HAZEL. SHE IS CUTE AND SO IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE BUT PANCAKES ARE NOT FOR DOGS, THEY ARE FOR HUMANS!!! Now, a photo of Hazel begging for a pancake.

*Please be sure to check out the menu for Shopsin’s General Store as well. It is insane but actually includes a few vegan items! But don’t order from the menu or you will get thrown out!

[photos by the cooks]

I love citrus desserts. More precisely, I love citrus flavors in both sweet and savory dishes, just more in sweet ones. Thus I am happy to share today this recipe for vegan lemon curd, tastiest of spreads, tart and sweet, gooey and delicious.

Laura had given me a great deal of Meyer lemons from the tree in her common backyard, and they needed using before they went bad. Why lemon curd? Because it requires a lot of lemons, which I had, and because the previous batch of lemon curd I’d made had been not at all what it should have, and I had something to prove.

This recipe—passed along to me from Friend of Vegansaurus Melisser—makes two cups; I doubled it, and will note the changes I made. Remember that I was using Meyer lemons, which are sweeter and milder than standard lemons.

Ingredients
1 cup fresh lemon juice [about 4 to 5 lemons per cup. Zest before you juice!]
½ cup water
1½ cups white sugar [doubled, I only needed about 2 cups]
4 Tbsp. cornstarch
⅛ tsp. salt
Zest of 2 lemons [the finer the better! Zest an extra lemon!]
⅓ cup plain, full-fat nondairy milk or creamer [I used a 50-50 mixture]
2 Tbsp. Earth Balance

Instructions
Using a food processor/blender, combine lemon juice, water, sugar, cornstarch, and salt. When the mixture is smooth, pour it into a saucepan and add lemon zest. Turn the heat under the saucepan to medium, and whisk until the mixture comes to a full boil, about 10 to 15 minutes. Allow to boil for one minute undisturbed; the mixture should have noticeably thickened and started to turn clear. Remove from heat.

Add milk or creamer and Earth Balance. Whisk until everything is fully combined. Allow the lemon curd to thicken and cool in the saucepan until it reaches room temperature, then pour it into the lidded containers in which it will live, and refrigerate; I used recycled glass jars.

Ridiculously easy! Especially if you can wrangle someone else into zesting and/or juicing the lemons for you. Plus, you can read (play iPhone games) while whisking. Besides, you already have most if not all of the ingredients at home, excepting perhaps the copious amount of lemons. Never fear, soon it will be citrus “season” (as though there are certain times of year that we can and cannot have different fruits and vegetables anymore, what a silly joke) and we will be awash in four-for-$1 lemons. Also limes. Perhaps a foray into lime curd is in order.

I had the curd on sourdough waffles the next morning. Then in the evening, I made this génoise cake and used the curd for the filling. It was not as magnificent as it looks, but it was still quite delicious. Lemon curd, such a versatile spread! you know you love it.

[photo by Joel]

Laura threw down the burrito gauntlet* the other day, making the claim that El Farolito makes the best burrito in the city. It may be less “autentico,” but I’ll stake my claim at Papalote.

Most burrito places have only one vegetarian option (helpfully labeled “vegetarian”). Papalote has a staggering six (count em! six!) veggie options, and all are also available as tacos (why would you order a taco? Why?): rice and beans; potato carrot mushroom; grilled eggplant and zucchini; grilled tofu; soyrizo; and molé tofu! The correct answer is molé! Order this, I will not steer you wrong! Seriously, where else can you get vegan molé anything? Somebody tell me. Refreshingly, all of these are vegan by default—you actually have to opt in for cheese and sour cream, and pay extra. This is called the “idiot tax.”

Also, they have the best, most unique and delicious-tasting salsa in the city. I have heard that the secret ingredient is pumpkin seeds, and I am willing to believe, because pumpkins make everything better. You can ask for extra salsa, but they will charge you, because they know how valuable it is. This is called the “precious commodities tax.”

Pro tip! Ask for a punch card when you get your burrito. They probably won’t offer you one! Buying ten burritos equals one free one, and you’ll probably blaze through that in a week, right?

There are two Papalote locations, one in the Mission and one in Western Addition. They also have vegan nachos, fajitas and a molé tofu entree on the menu. But again, why? None of these count towards your punch card! Prioritize!

Do yourself a favor and call ahead with your burrito order and then pick it up in 15 minutes. They have a second cashier line dedicated to pick up orders, and you will happily skip the always-out-the-door line, and jockeying with the crowd for free tables. This means, additionally, that Papalote is not a great date spot. You’ve been advised.

*A charming mental image!

[photo via yelp]

Loving Hut. Yes, it has the grossest name around. Loving Hut. It reminds me of somewhere a girl would go to lose her virginity to an elder. And I mean ELDERLY elder. I’m Gonna Puke Hut.

Other than that, this place is delightful. I am reviewing the SF location today but there are two others that just opened in Palo Alto and Milpitas. It’s apparently part of a huge chain that’s all over Taiwan, Vietnam, and Hong Kong. It’s a Ching Hai Enterprise and so is filled with cult-like awesomeness, including a large television that plays Supreme Master TV on loop. I don’t get to watch much TV and I love it/hate it/want to marry it so when I’m in a room with one, my eyes immediately wander towards it. However, since SMTV is basically unwatchable insanity, it was both a blessing (to my friends who enjoy my company SO MUCH) and a curse (to ME, can we get some Gossip Girl up in here?!).

The menu is available to view and download on their website, but don’t expect to find the exact same menu at the restaurant you go to. The prices are also totally different. But the weird thing is, they’re cheaper at the restaurant than on the site. I don’t know what that’s about, some sort of reverse bait and switch?! Mama like! Most of the food is Chinese with some Vietnamese influences and a slight touch of crazy town. They also have a section of the menu titled “Western Food,” which is basically burgers, club sandwiches and spaghetti. See above about crazy town. So far, the standouts have been the Triple Happiness, pictured below—it’s like these deep-fried layers of gluten, taro and bread. Kinda like a savory gluten baklava. I think. Just try it. I think. Basically, you’ll either love it or think it’s kinda funky. Russian Roulette!; the Ocean Platter, above—basically a big platter of delicious fried foods and yummy dipping sauces, a huge hit with everyone; Spicy Cha Cha—yam crescents that are deep-fried to look and taste like shrimp HOW DO THEY DO IT; and the Won Ton Noodle Soup with fake pork! SO GOOD! The Guru’s Curry and the Veggie Stew are also delicious, basically just big pots filled with potatoes, carrots, and soy protein chunks—beef-esque. also, that’s a great fake word—in a yellow curry/gravy mixture. They have white and brown rice available and lots of drinks—NO ALCOHOL! Ching Hai does NOT imbibe!—ranging from the tasty vegan Thai iced tea to the insanely foul to adults/insanely delicious to kids, e.g. some sort of tropical drink mixture with vegan gelatin in it. I don’t know, I think I’m 10 sometimes and so I ordered it and then it came out and it was like drinking warm liquefied jello. Raunchy.

They have desserts too. Stay away from the cakes (sub-par Black China) and go for the fried bananas and ice cream! Soon they’re supposed to have fried ice cream (!!!) but they haven’t perfected it at the SF location and so we wait. Eagerly. I want that g-d fried ice cream. It’s available in Palo Alto currently so strongly considering making the drive in five minutes, JOB BE DAMNED! WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE FOR ME! BESIDES GIVE ME MONEY AND A SENSE OF PURPOSE! I say, nuts to THAT! I need fried ice cream like I’ve never needed anything! Actually, to be real, I need fried ice cream like I need a hole in the head. I just really want it. Really, really, very badly. I mean doesn’t that sound amazing? Also, I almost accidentally typed “friend” instead of “fried” 90 times in the above paragraph. What that says about me, I do not want to know. Probably that I’m really cute and fun.

Okay, also, two more quick awesome things. According to Loving Hut, SF is located in Canada. I feel like if this election doesn’t go well, this map will be called foreshadowing as half of SF is likely to move there. SNAP! Kind of! Also, the interior of the SF Loving Hut is like eating in the Taiwanese future. It’s all super-bright and clean with floating hearts and shit. You sort of expect your waitress to be one of the Jetsons. Love it. This place is good for dinner with a few friends but not going to be great for large groups and not at all romantical. Unless you think Clockwork Orange is sexy and then, eat here and after that, check yourself into the psych ward, you sick fuck! Alternately, CALL ME!

Ananda Fuara is run by a cult! Who cares? They are not creepy. They are a peaceful cult comprising some sweet folks who love to weight-lift and eat healthy, delicious vegetarian food. Frankly, I know more than one fat-ass who might benefit from such a lifestyle. And yes, I’m talking about me. And also you, Sir Fatty Fatton of Fattinshire.

Pet peeve no. 52: When meat-eaters complain about vegetarians and vegans eating fake meat. It’s like, MORONS, we are not vegetarian or vegan because we don’t like the taste of meat, we are vegetarian or vegan because we don’t want to EAT DEAD ANIMALS. Fucking figure it out. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist. Or even a person of average intelligence. My friend’s autistic brother who only communicates through a keyboard gets it. I just don’t understand WHY YOU DON’T?!?!

That being said, I rarely eat fake meat products here. I just wanted to bitch because it’s what Lauras do best. Actually, that and sex. Ask your dad. LAURA!

The daily rotating curries, soups (always dal and one other, usually vegan) and salads (try the Infinite Blue, vegan; it’s hot rice stir-fry over a bed of greens and I know that sounds kinda like the funk but trust. There are some days when only hot rice salad will make you want to get out of bed. I call those days Tuesdays.) are what Ananda Fuara does best and I’ve never once been disappointed. The vegan baked goods are always amazing, some of the best I’ve ever had. Make sure to check the glass case and get several of each to go. The peanut butter krinkle is basically cornflakes dipped in choco-peanut butter mixture and then set out to dry. You can either eat it or use it to exfoliate. Either way, divine.

I would be a total jerky asshole not to mention the most magical thing that is sometimes on the menu, the VEGAN BEEF STROGANOFF special. OH HOLY HELL. This shit is off the HEEZY! I had the meat-eaters at my table begging for release from its jaws of deliciousness. If you are in San Francisco tomorrow, call ahead to see if it’s the special and if it is, don’t make the biggest mistake of your life and not go. I don’t care if you got pregnant at 13 and gave the baby to Appalachian mountain people to raise and now her name is Darlene and she has three teeth and uses them to skin raccoons for eatin’ (YOUR VERY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD SKINS RACCOONS WITH HER TEETH! SORRY, TEEF!). Missing out on this beef stroganoff is worse. It is THE WORST.

In closing, I would like to issue a public challenge to the peaceful, adorable and motivational cult leader, Sri Chinmoy. This man is a competitive heavy-lifter and has set many world records. This is a man who has lifted elephants, Great Pumpkins and platforms filled with fat people INTO THE AIR.

I would like to challenge him to lift me above his head with one hand and then to throw me into the air so that I might complete the Triple Lindy (yes, the same one the late, great Rodney Dangerfield made famous in the classic Back to School) and land on a gigantic trampoline made specifically for this purpose. Once I land on the trampoline, I will swan-dive into a gigantic cake of the flavor and shape of my choosing. This will take place on top of the Eiffel Tower on May 25, 2009. I eagerly await the response from Chinmoy’s camp. This offer will self-destruct in 24 hours.

[ananda fuara photos via the restaurant]

As Maria has said, Fraîche’s storefront is cold and joyless. I would think that places serving frozen treats would want to make customers more comfortable, rather than forcing them to sit on freezing metal chairs at pointy-cornered tables. And yet, they do not, so when you leave you can see the bruises you got from bumping into those pointy table-corners already forming underneath the first few layers of your skin, which has become creepily translucent with the onslaught of cold it’s suffered. Such are the penalties one pays for delicious soft-serve vegan frozen yogurt, right?

I appreciate the idea of vegan frozen yogurt. I love vegan yogurt that tastes as close to my ma’s homemade cow’s milk yogurt that I ate throughout my childhood. The vegan fro-yo at Fraîche combines the texture of the most perfect frozen yogurt with the sour tang of plain yogurt, which confused me with every bite. Is it dessert? Mixed with jam, is it my ma’s version of dessert that never fooled anyone? It has been almost seven months since I went and I still cannot make up my mind about it.

I can’t accuse them of false advertising, as they don’t say anything about it being sweet; they also serve their non-frozen yogurt with oatmeal, but this in particular seemed a little schizophrenic to me. Further, the gentlemen at the counter who served my friends and I were not the most helpful people I have ever done business with. To wit:

Laura to yogurt-server: Are your toppings vegan?
Yogurt-server to Laura: I don’t know; ask him (gestures to his right at a barista, because of course Fraîche has an espresso bar in addition to offering vegan and dairy frozen yogurt, and oatmeal, and granola)
Yogurt server to barista: Are the toppings vegan?
Barista to yogurt-server (does not look up from the coffee he is artfully pouring): No.
Yogurt-server to Laura: No.
Laura to (frustratingly idiotic) yogurt-server: I assume the fruit is (gestures to various small bins of fruits, including strawberries, bananas, blueberries, &c.)
Yogurt-server: (shrugs)

So. If you are jealous of the soft-serve frozen yogurt everyone else is eating, get down the Peninsula (public transportation options include Caltrain and SamTrans) to Palo Alto and order Fraîche’s oddly sour vegan version. I advise at least trying it; I also advise limiting your interaction with the employees to the barest minimum, and not eating inside.

(Fraîche is the feminine form of the French adjective for “fresh;” the French word for “yogurt,” yaourt, is masculine; so, if the name of the shop were in reference to its main product—frozen yogurt—it ought to be Frais, “fresh” in the masculine form. But it seems that noun-adjective agreement was not this establishment’s highest priority so much as “foreign word pleasing to the Anglophone ear,” and so instead we have a terrible parenthetical diatribe on French grammar.)

[photo via Fraîche]

San Francisco is a town that goes to bed early. Or rather, it stops eating at around 9 p.m. Then, it takes itself to the Power Exchange for a nightcap. We are a city in which you can come to be who you want to be and everyone will love you and ask you to get married illegally, unless the person you want to be is someone who wants to eat a meal that doen’t come from the liquor store after 10pm. That person is welcome to return to New York or LA or London or whatever place they came from.

Sure, there are a tiny number of all-night diners, but with the exception of Sparky’s—which I’m sure we’ll get to in a bit—none offer much in the way of vegan options. Unless of course you are looking to eat the universal vegan meal: french fries. But when looking for something with a bit more substance to pre-empt your nasty hangover or to just accompany your late-night dinner cravings (some of us just get hungry later, geez!) there is Love & Haight Deli in the Lower Haight.

It’s very easy to ignore this place; I know I did for the first 1,000 times I walked by. But, once I discovered the magic within, I haven’t been able to stop eating their sandwiches. I swear, I have been to Love & Haight probably 50 times in the past two years and I have only ever ordered one thing: the “veggie chicken steak” sandwich on sourdough roll with avocado. It is a sandwich that will take you out on a date, open doors for you, give you an amazing kiss goodnight and then text you before you even have a chance to take off your shoes when you get home. It’s that good, you guys.

And (to bring it back to my original point), they’re open until 1 a.m. on weeknights and 2 a.m. on weekends. You heard me! Not only that, they have an awesome selection of beverages, chips to go with your sandwich, and for dessert, they sell Alternative Baking Company cookies! A full meal—and I don’t consider it to be a full meal until I’ve had a cookie—will set you back about $10, a reasonable amount considering the enormousness of the sandwiches.

More useful info if you don’t enjoy my life-changing prose: they very clearly mark what is and isn’t vegan on their menu, which is very helpful when choosing breads. Besides the veggie chicken steak, they have a few other fake meats on their menu, like veggie roast duck, veggie BBQ steak, and a few others, all from Layonna Vegetarian/heaven in Oakland. Unfortunately they do not offer vegan mayonnaise.

We all know Ike’s is the current king of vegan sandwiches in the Bay Area, but Love & Haight still deserves a shout-out; it will be there for you when you just want a nice warm piece of wheat gluten with half of an avocado on top of it at 1:30 in the morning.

[photo by grahamc99]

I don’t miss meat. I do, however, enjoy fake meat—not as an approximation of what I don’t eat anymore, but simply as an expansion of my available menu. If soy and TVP and wheat gluten taste good, then I’m all for it. Whether or not they’re anything like the real deal is pretty much beside the point for me. That being said, this new Match Meats stuff tastes really good, and is a lot like meat. God I miss meat. KIDDING!

Match Meats come in six flavors: beef, pork, chicken, breakfast sausage, Italian sausage, and (of all things) crab. Each package is a pound’s worth for $7.50.

For the time being, it seems, the main way to get Match Meats is by ordering it directly from them at their website. This is unfortunate, because their shipping rates truly blow. The shipping is about $5 per item, regardless of how many you order, regardless of the fact they are all shipped together anyway. This means that when I ordered one of each of their six flavors, the shipping came to over $30! I thought this was a little ridiculous, and sent an email off to them asking if this was normal, and also WTF? I received a very nice email back from the president, Allison Burgess, informing me that

“If there is one thing I hate about our current situation is the cost of shipping/handling of selling our products online. It includes the picking of the order, the styrofoam container, the labeling and the UPS shipping. It is prohibitive, but we don’t know how to get the products to individuals until there is a store in their neighborhood who will carry them.”

So there you go. Try and get your local Whole Foods or wherever (hopefully also MY local Whole Foods) to carry Match Meats, so we don’t all have to pay the ridiculous shipping. Now that I’ve tried Match Meats once, I’m willing to wait until I can buy them locally. I’m not Scrooge McDuck over here! Or I kinda am but only the stingy part…. I’m not swimming in dollar-sign-shaped pools or anything.

(I do, however, tuck my tie into my pants. Classy!)

What it is, basically, is TVP and wheat gluten amalgamated into a sort of ground-beef like mash. This is different from a product like Yves “Ground Round,” and unique in that it can be molded into different shapes, and doesn’t just crumble apart. They say you can use it pretty much as you would real meat, and there are a lot of recipes on their website to try (my order also included a few actual printed recipe cards, a nice touch) but they all basically involve doing the same thing with your Match Meats: shape it into a patty and then fry it. There are variations on this, sure—sometimes you bread the patties, or bake them after you fry them, or mix some veggies and spices in with the meats, or what have you—but the basic formula is the same. Whatever, it works. What you get is a really hearty, meaty chunk of protein to sink your teeth into. It even has little gristly bits in it, sort of. And the pork tastes like pork. The chicken tastes like chicken. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

All the recipes I’ve tried so far off their site have been delicious but did need to be veganized here and there: crab cakes (delicious!); chicken picatta (delicious!); beef, eggplant, tomato and macaroni bake (sort of like Hamburger Helper—delicious!); and pork schnitzel (delicious!). Would that I had taken photos. Mea culpa. They had a recipe contest which came and went, but the results have not yet been posted. I’m sure that there are more adventurous chefs than I that will figure out amazing and creative things to do with this product once the bar has been raised.

Laura is out of town for the weekend and I am taking over her review duties for the day. As the token omnivore of the VeganSaurus gang, my view is mostly as someone who really likes food and as someone who is always looking for places where my vegan BFFs can feast along with me. Here is my first installment!

Suggest brunch to a vegan friend and their eyes get a little shifty. Oh no, they think, I will be dragged to yet another restaurant where they will feast on decadent eggs benedict and a menu full of dead animal everywhere and I will have to yet again make a meal of french fries and a fruit plate. And I know that my co-blogger gave Herbivore somewhat high marks for their vegan brunch, but this equal-opportunity lover of foods just can’t take their dry tofu scramble. So, where are we to go where we can all leave fat and sleepy and happy on a Sunday afternoon?

My answer: Boogaloo’s!

Boogaloo’s has quite a few things going for it in the vegan department: you can make any number of interesting and wonderful tofu scrambles—I like the tofu scramble with a side of avocado and their tasty ranchero sauce, which is not too spicy even for a wuss like me. Instead of regular toast, you can make this a little mini breakfast burrito and do it up with a side of corn tortillas. And for the ultimate brunch, you slap on a side of the “fake stake,” a big ass-piece of seitan. I’ve ordered this many times at Boogaloo’s and never ever, ever feel like I’m missing anything,and I’m an omnivore so my diet consists mostly of cheeseburgers and Doritos. (I kid! I also eat french fries and drink coffee).

What about the potatoes, you ask? What about them, indeed. Apparently, the home fries are not vegan, the cooks inexplicably throw butter in towards the end. Urban legend has it that if you go on certain days, they may be able to make you a vegan batch, but don’t take our word for it. Most of the staff here is endlessly inked and in skinny jeans, and as you would expect are well versed in what is vegan and isn’t, so ask away, vegan bruncher!

Finally, we have mimosas! If you crave excitement (and lord knows we do) try out their mimosas with grapefruit juice—they have a cute name for this, a “cyprus”—or if you want to be boring, just have with orange juice.

A warning: Boogaloo’s is one of those places in town that always, always has a line. They give away free coffee while you wait (or if you’re fancy and like to waste money, go across the street to Ritual Roasters and get yourself something with some latte art) and you can also watch the parade of intense fashion don’ts. Who knew that skirts were now optional when wearing tights? I didn’t. If food can’t bring you and your friends together, surely making fun of people can. And so, we love Boogaloo’s!

[photo by Allen Ferguson]

1. A whole blog dedicated to vegan cookies. Cookies are delicious and so this blog is BRILLIANT!

2. Vegan Soapbox asks an always interesting question for the omnivores in the house (i.e., me!). “If I care about animals, but still eat animal products, isn’t it better to buy “humane” animal products?”

3. Ezra Klein talks about tofu. We love Ezra Klein.

4. Farmer in Chief, by Michael Pollan. As usual, Pollan merely flirts with the idea of vegetarianism, even though—frustratingly—all of his arguments seem to point to it as an obvious solution. He does advocate for the idea of the White House observing “one meatless day a week,” which has been customary for many administrations now. How about a meat-free weekend?? Or meat just on the weekends? Or how about…a VEGAN WHITE HOUSE? What’s up, Dennis Kucinich!

5. And a response to Pollan’s piece from Erik Marcus of Vegan.Com

6. Frank Bruni of the New York Times visits New York vegan restaurant Candle 79. It’s impressive that he ate there multiple times, but come on: vegan cooks have to choose from a “small larder,” and the cuisine wouldn’t be so attractive to “more hedonistic cooks.” Tut, tut. Candle 79 isn’t the best vegan resto in the world, but veganism is the diet of plenty!

7. Kerry Trueman’s excellent recap of Oprah’s Tuesday episode all about Prop. 2! If you didn’t see it, try and find someone who recorded it because it’s well worth it. Factory farms (even massively cleaned up for TV ones) on MOTHERTRUCKING Oprah?! It’s a damn good day. However, quick note to the fabulous Wayne Pacelle of HSUS: lay off the self-tanner, dude! Er, also lay off taking pictures like this. But other than that, you are kinda the best.

8. We’re not total downers this week, here are some vegan Halloween candy links and resources! Hello, Halloween deliciousness! Also, what’s your costume idea? And please don’t say anything involving the words, “sexy” or “Sarah Palin,” ESPECIALLY not combined. Dry-heaving over here.

And…a very cute animal picture! More here.

Golden Era is the original Supreme Master Ching Hai enterprise restaurant in San Francisco. Nearly every item on the menu is vegan; the mock meats are the delicious, mysterious kinds made of fungus and gluten and some such; and the menu is longer than a tabloid. That said, I will try to be brief.

Lettuce wraps = ¡muy delicioso!
House rice clay pot = ¡muy delicioso!
Wonton soup = ¡muy delicioso!
Red bean vegan milkshake = ¡muy, muy delicioso!
Flan = eh.
Mocha cake = ¡muy delicioso!

If eating here required membership in the cult of Supreme Master, I would not have much trouble renouncing whatever vestiges of Christianity* I yet vaguely retain.

I love this place. I love the waitstaff, how they leave you alone for a very long time and never insist you have rice when you don’t want it. I love the patrons for eating here instead of a terrible meaty restaurant of death. I love Supreme Master’s plan to save the world from global warming through veganism. If only they delivered.

Tip: If you have leftovers from different dishes, cook them up together in a pan the next day and make your own Golden Era at home!

*except for Christmas. Who doesn’t love a virgin birth? Also presents, and drinking whisky all day.