vegansaurus!

So this is kinda last minute but everyone’s favorite bizarre cheesy restaurant where you eat on beds and the waiters dress like Burning Man refugees* and do crazy ass trapeze acts between courses is having an ALL VEGAN WEEK! It goes from yesterday to Sunday, March 1st and it’s a 3-and 4-courses prix fixe menu with only one seating nightly at 7 pm. You have to call to make a reservation at 415-348-0600 or go to their crappy website and it’s probably $$$ but I’m telling you, good or bad, there is no other dining experience like it. Also, might be cool to show up and be all, “MAKE EVERY WEEK VEGAN WEEK LET’S PARTY WOO!!!”

From the fools at Supperclub: “We like to create new and exciting experiences our guests,” says supperclub’s General Manager, Edme Straver. “For those who follow a vegetarian diet, the menu will be a welcome pleasure—and for those that do not usually eat strictly vegetarian, the menu will be a revelation.” DANG.

*Dude. A guy who lived in my dorm at NYU is a waiter here. That makes me sad. How do you go from promising star in one of the best film schools in the country to delivering jello custard cups wearing nothing but spandex short shorts and cat face paint? I mean, the kid won the Wendy Wasserstein award, for crying out loud. I guess much the same argument could be made for me except I probably make less money than him. And I never won any awards. Now I am more sad.

Oh also, there are handcuffs in the bathroom. GRODY.

Yes. This is the place with foie gras ice cream on the menu. And that is super duper fucking disgusting. I mean, it’s the grossest. So far as I can tell, it’s only on the online menu and not being sold in the store but still, the grossest. Everyone should write Humphry Slocombe and ask nicely for it to be taken off

the menu because again, THE GROSSEST.

HOWEVER. I will say that dairy is also THE GROSSEST. Oh and there’s also this.

So if you’re going to buy soy cream or sorbet at a place that doesn’t also manufacture crappy-ass dairy products then you’ll only support the most wonderful of companies like Turtle Mountain and Chicago Soy Dairy. And if you do, that’s really great.

But some of us choose to support both vegan-only businesses and businesses that offer vegan options. By doing that, we are creating a demand. And by creating a demand on the vegan products, that clues companies into the fact that we vegans are here, we are growing in population every day, and it would be smart to include us in their big picture. And the more vegan options are available, the more often people who aren’t vegan will choose them and like them and see that vegan isn’t so bad and maybe is actually kinda good and in turn, the message of veganism is spread by someone other than this fool. You dig?

Now I’ll shut up and write a review.

Humphry Slocombe has some damn delicious vegan creations. I’ve been three times. I’ve tried the Valhrona Fudgesicle which tastes like a Tootsie roll but more expensive and it’s vegan. Next, we tried the Thai Chili Lime. Jonas describes it, “like a Thai chile with lime. I don’t know, it was green.” It was spicy and tangy, if you’re into that. Finally, we tried the Carrot Mango. That was THE BEST. It was all super creamy and smooth and carrot and mango?! Who knew!? They have a bunch of flavors that I want to try too. I love fancy shit. Every time I go, I let the people working know that I’m vegan and I am excited that they offer vegan options and I hope that there will be more in the future. I think that’s an important thing, when you go somewhere

to be clear that you are vegan, you are not crazy and you are there to DO BUSINESS. The counter people are always friendly and quick to point out what I can eat a lot of. I will say, they don’t seem especially concerned with attracting vegans. It kinda sucks that a bunch of people have written letters about the foie gras and not gotten even a polite response telling them to fuck off. It’s like, come on. We are people too. Some of us are very much in like with your adorable tiny storefront in our neighborhood. If you cater to us, we will shout it from the rooftops. Trust me, Maggie Mudd basically makes a living off us. You don’t have to go that far but with a few little things (like maybe signs on what flavors are vegan? Or posting it on your website? Or offering a vegan fudge for sundaes?) would go a long way to making a lot of vegans (and people who love vegans) more all about you. And you want us to be all about you. Because we are AWESOME and also SUPER ATTRACTIVE and also HAVE BIG-ASS MOUTHS. It’s true.

UPDATE: After reading Melisser’s and Howard’s postings below (and the 7x7 article), I am officially done with this place. Makes no sense to patronize a business that is willfully shitty towards vegans. Sucks because the ice cream was pretty good. Oh well, I can get better up the hill at Maggie Mudd.

Could you kill this bunny?

Would you eat him?

Mission Street Food would! And if you would like to eat some rabbit, MSF will cook you up some “rabbit rillette,” which means the dead rabbit is slow-cooked until its flesh is soft, which is then shredded, mixed with other ingredients, and made into a sort of pâté. The collaborating chef is really into eating like Native Americans did, which can be the subject of another post, when we discuss how Slow Food and locavorism are cruel, ridiculous lies. Today, bunnies.

Rabbits are not protected under the Humane Slaughter Act, not in its first version in 1958, and not in its most recent version in 2002. This means that bunnies who are raised for their meat are not guaranteed the “quick, relatively painless death” that all cows, goats, pigs, and sheep must have before their bodies are cut up for your friends’ and neighbors’ tasty suppers. Rabbits are really sensitive; they scream when they’re in pain. It is the most horrible sound. I wonder if people who kill rabbits for a living have to listen to those screams all day, or if they wear earplugs or something.

Look at Nibbler up there; what do you think it’s like to be faced with a bunny like him and know that your job is to kill him? What might it be like to hold his lifeless body and think, ‘okay, time to cut the face off’? I wouldn’t open that link if I were sensitive to photographs of dead rabbits; I’ve heard they’re quite gruesome.

Obviously rabbits are excruciatingly adorable, and soft, and quiet; they are also totally chill companions whose ideal days include napping under furniture, hopping around their favorite people’s feet, gnawing on a variety of textured items (i.e. cardboard and wood), tasting whatever their people are eating, and getting some pets. Some rabbits are friendlier than others, and more inclined toward lap-sitting and snuggling; others are shyer and prefer to make a blanket-nest next to you while you’re sitting on the floor watching TV.

It’s difficult to make the cognitive leap from “I love my dog” to “I can’t eat cow.” Not too many people have ever had a beloved pet cow. Bunnies are people’s pets, though, lots of people’s pets; can you really look a rabbit in the eyes and eat pâté made of his relations? The disconnect between the inherent violence of eating animals and the natural affection for tiny, big-eyed creatures is remarkable. Could you pet this bunny and eat another?

Rabbits raised for people to eat don’t live in homes with cardboard boxes to chew on and little trucks to throw around. They don’t even get the courtesy of a “quick and painless” death. When treated as livestock, the cutest animals live the worst lives, and are subject to the most painful deaths. Tell your friends who patronize Mission Street Food; see if it makes a difference. A happy house bunny smells of hay, and sometimes when you get up close to him to get a good sniff of fur, he’ll lick your face; like many, many other animals, rabbits show affection through grooming, licking and smoothing each other with their little pink tongues and little furry paws. Are you comfortable eating animals who share the affection for people that we feel for them?

I don’t love all animals, but I believe that they have as much right to live as I do. I’m happy to support MSF when they support vegan and vegetarian causes. After three months of living with an actual bunny, though, the idea of eating a rabbit isn’t as abstractly wrong as the idea of eating a pig—it’s vivid and frightening.

Omnivorous friends, please don’t eat rabbits. When you see dishes made of rabbit on menus, please don’t order them. Think of this photo of Nibbler instead; think of eating this little bun, who follows people into the kitchen in hopes of catching fallen crumbs, and who licks his delicate chops after taking a bite of strawberry to get all the juice off his face. No one who’s spent quality time with a rabbit could eat another. They should never, ever be someone’s meal, nor should anyone with a speck of compassion eat an animal—especially one whose “quick and painless” death is not demanded by law.

If you are stuck in Mill Valley, you are pretty much fucked for food. You’re either eating what the people who live here are eating (read: nothing because shit is expen$$$ive and it’s richie rich “happy” meat town) or you eat what people who work here are eating (read: nothing because shit is Jack ’n the Crack. Blarg.) There just isn’t much for us middle of the road vegan food connoisseur to enjoy with one notable exception of the fantastically tiny Joe’s Taco Lounge. First things first: it looks like Rita Moreno threw up and then exploded inside. That’s all right by me. The tofu tostada is OUT OF SIGHT. It’s crispy breaded and fried tofu on a bed of lettuce (ask for l

ettuce instead of the slaw which is filled with gross mayo) in a gorgeous fried tostada. It’s totally perfect. I’ve eaten it maybe 100 times and it never gets old. I’d almost say that it’s worth a trip to Marin actually fuck it, YES, it’s worth a trip to Marin, especially if you like to hike and stuff like that. It’s god’s country out there, bring a gun. Or at least a shovel. I’m pretty sure they filmed Into the Wild down the road. And maybe Gorillas in the Mist? But if that’s the case, bring your hugging arms because if I see me a baby gorilla, I’m hugging it!

They also have a really good vegan black bean soup, vegan enchilada and vegan tacos. They have 10 million kinds of hot sauce lining the walls. I’ll go so far as to say that it’s very authentic Mexican food and I should know, I’ve been to Tijuana on spring break, okay? Finally, Joe’s Taco Lounge is always filled with blond Mill Valley pregos and their whiny-ass babies. No husbands ever spotted. I mean, I wouldn’t hang out with these foul bitches either but I didn’t marry ’em, boys!

I pity the toe-fool who doesn’t enjoy the delicious tofu scrambles at St. Francis Fountain!

I don’t know. But I really like this place. They have an entire section of the menu dedicated to “veg-heads” that includes tofu scrambles, a toasted vegan sandwich (roasted veggies and some sort of a delicious sauce that’s put in some sort of a marvelous panini machine) and boring boca burgers. They also have a vegetarian rueben but the sauce isn’t vegan so what’s the fun? Also, it’s just grilled veggies, throw some tempeh up in that mother! Let’s do this!

But perhaps the most marvelous thing about St. Francis Fountain is the fact that you can get VEGAN MILKSHAKES. That is correct, sir. They’re made with the soy gelato from Copa Loca and they are magnificent. The best and only way to do this is to get it made with fresh banana and strawberry OMGYGWTF!! It’s SO GOOD. It’s like a berry-banana blizzard (BBB) from DQ* but not filled with death, chemicals and diabetes.

The other most fun thing to do at St. Francis is to see how many people you can fit in a mini-booth. Our recor

d is seven normals or two really awesome fat people.

EXPERT TIP: On a nice day, you can bring your dog and sit outside! As long as your dog isn’t my dog and wants to eat other dogs! Also, this place is pretty tiny so it’s best for groups of 2-4. It gets ultrasuper crowded on the weekends so prepare for a wait unless you come ungodly early or starving late. Oh and they also have a fresh candy stand inside that sells stuff like Dallas and 90210 trading cards and bubblegum and my personal favorite, MJ. Just look at that marvelous/terrifying mug. It never ceases to amaze/disgust. Listen, I’m pretty sure he did it to those boys but he also brought us, “Beat It” which brought us, “Eat It”, so I guess all I’m saying is, GLASS HOUSES.

*aka, “THE BEST BEVERAGE KNOWN TO MAN OR BEAST”. I could live off the BBB. There was a point in my life that I would drink that instead of water during workouts. AND I WAS SKINNIER THAN I AM NOW. Take that, science!

Zapp’s potato chips are from Louisiana. They are quite possibly the best thing that has ever come out of that state. And that’s saying A LOT because they’ve also brought us jazz, alligators, french people and the entire Spears’ clan. Seriously, someone give this state a prize.

The Spicy Cajun Crawtator flavor is the most amazing flavor that Zapp’s makes. They’re coated with whatever spicy but sweet seasonings they put on the poor crawfish after they’re boiled alive. It’s obvious that the seasoning is the best thing about eating crawfish because the gross ass fools who eat them (gross ass fools) are always licking the crawfish shells to get it all off. Puke. Why don’t they just not eat the crawfish and enjoy the seasoning on delicious fried potato deliciousness? Much saner. Also, If you serve them at a party, I will come. And I am GOOD TIMES. Ask anyone. You can email anyone at misterpenguino@gmail.com.

This recipe will seem very obvious to a lot of you; for the rest of us who would live in a hotel and order room service every day if we could, this will be a revelation. I hate most commercial tomato sauces because they are too watery and sweet. This recipe is a ragu and is based on a recipe from Jamie Oliver’s Cook With Jamie (for fellow cook-o-phobes, I highly recommend Jamie’s recipes because they are incredibly simple.)

A can of Muir Glen fire-roasted tomatoes

a nice handful of Yves meatless ground round

Extra virgin olive oil

3 cloves of garlic, chopped

a sprinkling of chopped fresh basil (I cheated and used ground but whatever, I didn’t have fresh! It’s okay)

A basic red table wine (the one I used was French)

Salt & pepper

While the water for your pasta comes to a boil, fry up the garlic and basil in the olive oil. It will smell amazing. After a few minutes, throw in the tomatoes, ground round, and a splash of the wine, along with some salt and pepper. Let that simmer on a low flame for 30 minutes. Try to time the pasta so that it is done cooking close to the same time that the sauce is doen simmering. This is not as difficult as you think.

This would be a good time to clean your dirty kitchen and run the dishwasher. And don’t forget to pour yourself a little glass of that table wine—never cook with a wine that you wouldn’t drink. By the time you are done cleaning up, checking your twitter, and e-stalking your ex-boyfriends, the sauce will have gotten nice and chunky and thick, and the pasta should be done cooking. I trust you know how to cook pasta.

Combine the pasta and sauce. Personally I do not like the taste of the vegan parmesan I have tried, but if that’s your thing, then dress it up! Pour yourself more wine and settle in with some reality television (and please read my other blog, BravoFan) or some shitty intellectual movie you want to watch.

For dessert: Newman-O’s!

I bet if you look at how many places Vegansaurus reviews in the Mission vs. Vegansaurus reviews in the Marina, it would be equivalent to a see-saw with an extra fat manatee on one side and a Mycoplasma genitalium on the other. But let me explain:

1) All four of us call the Mission home. All four of us call the Marina TERRIFYING. 2) The Mission is filled with mostly amazing weirdos. The Marina is filled with skinny white bitches who BRONZE their non-existent CLEAVAGE, have CLAVICLES that could POKE AN EYE OUT and wear UGGS with TASSELS. I said, UGGS with TASSELS. God bless ‘em. It is also filled with Jr. Corporate Yahoos/Former College Date Rapists who work for their dad’s firms. SO HOT. 3) The Mission does not eat babies. The Marina eats babies.

I joke. I love to give the Marina a hard time. It’s mostly filled with hard-working yahoos who just want to HAVE A GOOD TIME LET’S GET DRUNK WOO!!! Ain’t nothing wrong with a little freaky freaky on the weekends, am I right, Chet!?

The Plant Cafe (formerly, Lettus Organic Cafe) is reason enough to make a trip to the Marina. Actually, let me be more

specific, the Tempeh Picatta at The Plant Cafe is reason enough to make the trek to the Marina. It’s breaded and fried tempeh on top of a mound of VEGAN GARLIC MASHED POTATOES and fresh vegetables. All that is covered in the most delicious lemony capery picatta sauce you ever sunk your chompers into. Ugh, it is marvelous. They also have a wide range of vegan soups, sandwiches (a tempeh ruben so delectable that you bite into it and the VEGAN THOUSAND ISLAND dressing drips down your hands! Take that, Carls Jr!) and entrees! They even do many vegan items during brunch and I have it on word from a very reliable source (my stomach) that the tofu scrambles are first class. I also have it on word from a very reliable source (a friend’s stomach) that they get even better as the kitchen is always working to improve them…they even have a vegan pesto now! I love that…I love a kitchen that takes suggestion and isn’t all filled with stupid pride that doesn’t allow them to the BE! the BEST! they can BE! Thank you, Lettus er, Plant. Ugh, the worst name. Anyway. OH ALSO, GET THE PLANT BURGER. Get it with wasabi if you can but if not, JUST GET IT PLAIN. It will ruin you. DESTROY YOU.

They also have an entire range of vegan desserts including moist and delicious vegan cupcakes, many varieties of cookies and often some sort of loaf cake. Tianna, the pastry chef, is some sort of demi-god and her vegan baked goods are outrageous. If there is a devil’s food cake vegan cupcake when you are there, GET IT.

One demerit point for the surly bitch who took my most recent order. In the words of my girl Whitney Houston:  Bitch, I don’t want your man and if I did, I woulda already had him, OKAY??? Plus one point for the magical Tianna and the one extremely competent and adorable busboy who was just so adorable I wanted to put him in my pocket and bring him home with me.

One final thing: I really appreciate the almost all organic approach. It must be really effin’ hard right now. Prices are reasonable for quality of ingredients used. Also, you are in the marina. She is expensive. Get over it or go back to the parts of the city where people of color are allowed.

Update (6/20/1009): New location at Pier 3 in The Embarcadero. Now all these a-holes have somewhere to go at lunch! Yay them! Plant Cafe, throw me a bone…a location in Noe Valley seems like it would make us both happy.

Some of us at Vegansaurus have been all woo! no-underpants sexy-times woo!!! lately, but guess what, people: It can’t be sexy times all the times. Sometimes even carefree vegans, with our lustrous hair and glowing skin and brilliant smiles, are not having sexy times all the times. Sometimes, we are having significantly unsexy times indeed.

When you’re feeling super-unsexy, I find that Peanut Butter Newman-O’s are an excellent solution. Yes, the classic Newman-O’s are wonderful, vegan Oreo replacements, and the mint ones are a delicious and creamy variation, and the gingers are a delicate and surprising alternative, and oh, the chocolate-on-chocolates make a fancy treat indeed, but really, the peanut butter cookies are the properest cookies when a person needs an ego boost.

What makes the peanut butter Newman-O’s so especially good, in part, is that they’ve got less peanut-butter cream than the other cookies. Normally this would upset me—like, caps-lock, eyebrows-to-my-hairline, run-on-sentence-rant upset—but it doesn’t, this time. Why not? Because usually I like to take apart a Newman-O, savor its creamy insides, and maybe eat the side of the cookie that delivered those creamy insides. This is only possible with the creamier, richer Newman-O’s, certainly not with the peanut butter ones, which means that you can eat many more of the peanut butter ones without getting all full from the rich creaminess of the insides—and you know how easy it is to overdose on peanut butter. With that thin layer of peanut butter between two “chocolate” cookies, they’re perfect for dipping in icy cold soy milk. And there, friends, is the sweet spot.

Wonderful Peanut Butter Newman-O’s, your only flaw is that glaringly superfluous apostrophe in your name, which is no fault of your own and not limited to yourself. You only come in 16-ounce packages, as though Newman’s Own knew you were so good that once opened, a person would be hard-pressed to stop eating those scrumptious cookies.

All right, sex sells! Just not all the time. Sex isn’t going to sell pincushions, or cardboard boxes, or ibuprofen. Nor will it sell Newman’s Own Peanut Butter Newman-O’s; you won’t feel sexy when you buy them and you won’t feel sexy when you eat them. They are delicious comfort insta-cookies that you will eat more of than you planned when you opened the package. Vegan junk food, c’est si bon.

I’m totally wearing underpants right now. And an undershirt, and kneesocks, and fleece pants, and a sweater, too; it’s fucking freezing. Also Valentine’s Day is a stupid fake holiday meant only to encourage consumerism and insecurity in romantic relationships. Don’t buy into it, you guys.

(I mean, I hate card-company-manufactured “holidays” so much I don’t observe Mother’s or Father’s days anymore, but at least give up Valentine’s Day. It is such a dirty stupid blood-jewelry-selling patriarchal-bullshit-enforcing farce, COME ON.)

Let’s keep this short and sweet, like these sandwiches. The geniuses at Turtle Mountain came up with yet another product to make me very happy and that product is the Coconut Milk Ice Cream Sandwich. They are like Tofutti Cuties but with more coconut creamy delicious and with no hydrogenated fat badness. They are 100 calories each and currently come in plain coconut and banana split (!!!) flavors. I tried both, they are to die. Turtle Mountain’s coconut milk products are by far my favorite thing they sell. While their soy-based products can sometimes be, how do I say this, THE FUNK, the items made with coconut milk are always creamy and delicious and make me want to stuff my face. I want to eat these little sandwiches of delight always and forever. They make me feel eight years old again but without all that naive bright-future nonsense.

If you are a fan of anything coconut or anything ice cream sandwich then you must get to your nearest health food-ish store and get these puppies. I bought these at Whole Foods in Oakland but I can imagine they will be making the rounds soon enough.

And that concludes this short and sweet review. Also, I am not wearing any underwear. SEX SELLS!