vegansaurus!

Rocket Dog Rescue Happy Hour fundraiser at Doc’s Clock! Be there tomorrow, Sept. 5th, from 4 to 8 p.m. at 2575 Mission St. (between 21st and 22nd): 50 percent of the bar and 100 percent of the proceeds from the silent auction (with fantastic prizes!) will benefit Rocket Dog Rescue. Doc’s Clock will also take donations for VetSOS.

Slate says, Watch out, cupcake-bakers, your business is a bubble on the verge of bursting! Author Daniel Gross briefly mentions that Babycakes “offers vegan cupcakes,” failing to note that it is also a “refined-sugar-free, gluten-free, wheat-free, soy-free…kosher” and organic bakery with a varied menu that includes savory baked goods. If Gross wants to conflate an entire specialty bakery with year-or-less-old, single-item stores with utterly generic product, he certainly may, but that is not the strongest way to make a point. At least, not to vegans. Presumably the fine ladies and gentlemen of Sticky Fingers Bakery, Sugar Beat Sweets, Sweet Avenue Bakeshop, Sweet Cakes Bakery, Violet Sweet Shoppe, Fat Bottom Bakery, and other purveyors of fine vegan baked goods would agree.

Ooh fancy, it’s The Nation’s 2009 food issue! Possibly pertinent topics include: starting a community garden, farmers’ markets in Mississippi, and Alice Waters on school lunch reform. Those articles, and quite a few more, are presently available in full for free online, so best get to reading while you can, non-subscribers.

Let’s look at restaurant reviews in the Chronicle! This week, Michael Bauer spent $200 on “pancetta-wrapped rabbit” at Oliveto and did not enjoy it. My heart bleeds for you and your “disappointing” meal, Mr. Bauer. Some might say next time, lay off the animals, but you soldier on. This is what I want in a restaurant reviewer: dedication to duty. For the vegans, four sad paragraphs about Golden Era, in which the reviewer turns up her nose at the fake chicken. What kind of joyless soul does not enjoy Supreme Master’s fake chicken?

Pizzaiolo, you have some sick ideas about supper: “Diners will be able to wander over, Barolo in hand, to commune with the creatures that might contribute to their dinner.” The “chef-owner” had a RISD-graduate-designed chicken coop built off of his restaurant to house his customers’ future meals/victims. I 100 percent want to vomit. This argument, that it makes you a better meat-eater when you “confront the reality” that your food used to be a thinking, feeling, living creature, it really burns. Yes, the disconnect between “antiseptic” packaged pieces of animals people buy from grocery stores and the actual animals those pieces came from is surreal and problematic; still, picking out the animal you want to have killed so you can eat it? How is that any better? That’s just on the acceptable side of bloodlust, and it’s revolting. If Pizzaiolo’s venture does anything, I hope it dissuades people from eating those chickens, when they’re forced to see the birds (theoretically) enjoying, you know, being alive, An apology to Pizzaiolo, we obviously didn’t read the article correctly! OUR SERIOUS BAD. It’s not vegan, but Pizzaiolo is taking a step to reduce their part in animal cruelty. What do Vegansaurus readers think of the backyard chicken trend?

Ethicurean takes a look at a potential federal bailout of the National Pork Producers Council, a.k.a Big Pork. Surprise: it’s industry-controlled, hypocritical, and a total violation of sensible business/economic practices! Ha ha ha oh meat industries, you rascals,* you.

The Vegan and Vegetarian Foundation created this lovely site called The Safety of Soya, to dispel the ridiculous myths and lies about soy that won’t seem to die—e.g., that “too much soy” will turn little heterosexual boys gay (Assuming they were heterosexual in the first place, that is).

The champion vegetable-eaters behind CSA Delivery blog made a

minestrone soup to cure 1) the San Francisco summer blues and 2) a shameful craving for terrible food (in this case, minestrone soup from the Olive Garden, where not even the breadsticks are vegan). It looks like it was quite successful:

You know what Vegansaurus loves? Cocktails, are what we love. Lucky for us we live in one of the nation’s best cities for scrumptious, fancy drinks. Let us be grateful every day for these amazing bartenders who not only have amazing taste and imagination, but are so dedicated to their craft they grow fresh ingredients for the drinks they make you. Imagine that mojitonico with heirloom tomatoes picked that morning from a garden not five miles from the bar you’re sitting at. Now, die of bliss.

Bon Appétit knows its way around a backhanded compliment: Of Jeremy Fox’s wonderful Ubuntu the magazine says “the focus…is not on what is missing (namely, meat) but what is lusciously abundant,” and waxes rhapsodic about the restaurant’s vegetables for over 100 words. Nice to see your priorities are in order there, guys.

*no relation to super-commenter Rascal, Megan.

Vegansaurus is mostly a San Francisco joint, but everywhere else in the Northern hemisphere, it’s hot. The dudes are stripping off their t-shirts and the ladies are adjusting their bikini straps, many of them baking to the golden color of sweet potato fries. At least in Jersey and Europe, where white people still haven’t discovered sunscreen.

To help you make it through the heat and California’s eternal drought, we’re giving you some vegan eye candy to suck on: hot photos of some of the sexiest reproductive organs to be found on common garden edibles! Big, small, purple, or yellow, these flowers show that growing food isn’t just healthy and practical—it’s like totally superficial, too!

Fragile, pale and tiny, strawberry flowers are all the more attractive because you just know they’re gonna grow up to be sweet and juicy. And if you thought that description was sexually suggestive, you are probably not allowed near public parks or schools.

The blossoms of pumpkins and most winter squash are yellow and big, like a nice beach umbrella or a dude who stuffs his Speedo. Most plants produce more blossoms than squash, so you can pick loads of these to toss raw into salads, sauté, or stuff (GET IT?) and bake.

Fava bean make blooms as numerous as sunburnt German tourists on a Mediterranean beach [ed: zing!], but they’re much smaller and more exotic-looking.

I’ve already raved about borage on this blog: it’s an all-around winner, able to repel insects, provide

humans with tasty nutrients, and produce attractive flowers and unique hairy foliage. Basically, if your garden is Baywatch, this is its David Hasselhoff.

Radishes grow to tower over most other crops when they’re blooming, spraying the sky with flowers like a bunch of pretty, colorful kites. Or hot air balloons. Or unicorns.

Yarrow is attractive in a quaint kind of way, like quilts and Vermont. Going with that theme, it’s one of the best flowers for dried arrangements (I totally just lost all of my remaining masculinity by typing that) and is delightful when added to salads and sauces.

Sunflowers need no introduction. They are so good-looking you won’t even know what to do with them, and their seeds are incredibly healthy and by far the easiest edible seed to grow and harvest.

And finally, the ultimate summer crush: look at those paper-thin creamy petals holding that cute fuzzy pistil. This thing is like a freakin’ orchid, except a little more common-looking, so you feel like you can identify with it more, right? But while you there wondering what the heck I’m talking about, this awesome flower already up and left. Yup, these cuties only last one day. What happens then? They turn into this slimy thing nobody really eats called okra that just gets thrown away or gummed by old folks at Hometown Buffet. I totally just summed up life, didn’t I?

OK, that’s it! Remember: You are what you eat, and if you’re eating plants like this, you’re one sexy bitch.

Please welcome back guest writer Ben Pearson. He loves to get (and give!) blow jobs.

They’re supposedly opening sometime soon (whatever the fuck that means! Oct. 1st, permit gods allowing, so let’s say sometime in October MAYBE) at 3168 22nd St. (between Capp and Mission). They’ll have a few vegan flavors (banana cake with maple frosting LAY IT ON ME) and will set you back a buck each. More details from these scooping motherfuckers and Mission Minis adorable website.

It’s a back-to-school giveaway, bitches! This brand-new, large-and-in-charge (it’s 14” by 14” with a 6.5” shoulder strap!), fancy-ass Matt and Nat “Big Drop” Bag is perfect for lugging books to class, or putting all your shit in for overnights (slut!). This bag is marketed toward women, but we’re not about boxes here at Vegansaurus so go on, girl. Er, “girl.” This bitch retails for like $175 so even if you hate it, you can sell it on eBay. Depression 2.0, people. Let’s GET RICH OR DIE TRYING.

From the official Matt and Nat description (so it’s all sales-y):
Contrast stitching, brushed metal accents and a boxy shape give the Big Drop from Matt and Nat its distinctive style. Great for work or weekend shopping trips, this roomy bag is made of all-vegan materials and features a durable man-made body, dual front exterior pockets, and a convenient zipper closure.

TO WIN, type your name in the comments. We’ll pick a winner randomly soon…it’ll probably be the name I like the best or the person I find most sexually attractive. Or we’ll use random.org. Whatevs. So leave a comment now or never know the glory of a stylish vegan bag and be doomed to wander the aisles of Payless alone for the rest of your days, knowing that you have aligned yourself with Star Jones, which is totally fucked. Does that sentence even work? Not sure, don’t care. Good luck!

No seriously, look at it. This is the vegan Mission Burger and it is your most delicious new best friend. This blog previously speculated this might be the case, but I am here to confirm it for you. IRL I am known as someone with a tendency to say “OMFG THIS IS THE BEST EVER” but ignore all that. What I am telling you is, this is the best burger I have ever had, of any kind. SRSLY.

First and foremost: this motherfucker is huge. I sat down with it literally three different times, and ate a satisfying amount each time. I didn’t even eat dinner, because lunch was so huge/amazing/satisfying. Also I prefer to drink myself to sleep.

Secondly, this burger isn’t exactly pretty in the traditional sense, but it is beautiful like a work of art. The patty is dark and richly colored, with variable textures (the fava/chickpea patty, the whole edamame beans and the leafy kale blend together in a surprisingly harmonious way.) Also you can’t taste any of those health foods because it is fried and covered in wasabi mayonnaise (made with seaweed not eggs! unlocking some science on your ass!). The springy light slaw is the perfect amount of acid, and the chili sauce is a pop of redness that reminds your whole body that the combination of hot oil and capsaicin is like a speedball for your cells. Woooooooo!!! Really, it’s just like that.

Lastly, this burger is $7. I don’t know about you but I am rocking a paycut in Depression 2.0 and I’m just out here trying to survive, you know? In addition to refusing to give up my adherence to prissy urbane dining trends. With the vegan Mission Burger, you can survive all day AND exploit the social capital associated with eating sloppy pretend-proletarian “street” food awkwardly on a stack of potato bags outside an Asian supermarket! Man, I am so hip.

Anyway, vegan Mission Burger. Buy me one. [Ed.: I already bought you one, hooker!]

This post was 100 percent Megan Allison. Yes, we love that ho.

Congratulations, commenter helene0307! Please contact us ASAP so we can get you your prize!

All the rest of you super-awesome amazing contestants, thanks for playing! Come back soon for our next contest—it’ll be great!

Actually, come back all the time; Vegansaurus is always great.

Someone get Jeremy Fox or the entire crew of Millennium up in this piece because this week’s veg options on Top Chef were SAD. Okay, not entirely, but the losing dish happened to be vegan and was created solely for the possibility of herbivores, which is nice, but at least make it interesting. We all know it is possible. We all know veg options can do so much better than (wait for it)…pasta salad.

Yes, pasta salad. Any teenage vegetarian knows the pain of going to a family function, watching everyone around you feast on hamburgers and hot dogs while you are relegated to this sad bowl of wet pasta with some canned artichokes thrown in. And that is when you vow to learn to cook. Or bring veggie burgers next time.

But, I digress. The pasta salad was a disaster. I don’t even want to link you to the recipe because I’m pretty sure everyone here knows how to boil water and open cans of food. Granted, the kitchen this week was military-style and limited, but in an upscale cooking competition where your competitors are coming up with things like bread pudding, three-bean chili, and chowder in that same kitchen, with the same limitations, it’s time to step up your game.

Sadly, the contestant that went home last week was also a San Francisco chef, which was a double-burn! And she worked at GOOGLE. So embarrassing on so many levels.

Other non-meaty dishes cooked this week included Laurine Wickett’s potato burger on portobello mushroom bun with fingerling chips. She made this for the Quickfire and I would eat about a million of all these things. This dish was almost vegan, except for heavy cream and an egg used to make the burgers. Easy to vegan-ize, right?! Jesse Sandlin’s sweet potato soup was another almost-vegan, just replace the heavy cream and go easy on the cayenne pepper (judges said it was too spicy). Finally, eliminated cheftetant Preeti made a vegetarian dish for the Quickfire: Russian banana fingerling potatoes with asparagus and tomatoes. Sub the butter with Earth Balance and you’re good to go!

What did you all think of last night’s episode?

Word on the street is that the magical Daiya cheese will be at Rainbow Grocery starting as early as next Wednesday (Sept. 9)!??!?! It will be available in 16 ounce packages and we’ll all go apeshit for it. Basically, it will be a-fucking-mazing. Since Daiya has only previously been available in SF by doing a rain dance and then sacrificing a virgin (read: OVERNIGHT shipping from WISCONSIN), this is big, big news.

We’ll have to-the-minute updates from Vegansaurus HQ as we are SO FUCKING ON TOP OF THIS YOU HAVE NO IDEA WE WILL NOT SLEEP, EAT, DRINK, URINATE OR DEFECATE UNTIL IT IS OURS.

Born Free has the details, but basically AB 979 has the potential to invalidate numerous city and county ordinances that protect consumers and wildlife by giving the state Fish and Game Commission total control over them. For example, AB 979 could repeal ordinances that ban the use of Conibear traps after dogs or cats were maimed or killed; limit the use of bows and arrows in developed areas; and restrict fishing in certain areas; and repeal local laws prohibiting the killing of songbirds. It’s a really bad idea SO CALL RIGHT NOW!

Don’t know who your senator is? It’s okay.

Answer: not much! According to Keio University psychologist Shigeru Watanabe, pigeons can differentiate between “good” and “bad” art after having been taught to recognize the “concept of a stimulus class that humans name ‘good’ pictures.” What?

At this university in Tokyo, Watanabe showed the pigeons a set of children’s paintings, which had been judged “good” or “bad” by a group of adults. Through positive

reinforcement, the pigeons learned how to recognize “good” and “bad” art—he gave them seeds when they chose (whatever that means in this case, “chose”) the “good” art. He then repeated the experiment with 10 new paintings by adults, and had the pigeons choose which were “good” and which were “bad.” The pigeons picked out the “good” art “twice as often” as the “bad.” Amazing!

The article doesn’t say whether the number of pigeons who deemed a painting “good” or “bad” corresponded with the work’s critical reception or popularity, which is too bad because that would be interesting; nor does it say what kind of pigeons they were. Regardless, if a pigeon can have the same opinion as an expert art critic, maybe we should all be going to more museums and galleries. It’s a lot more rewarding to see art than read about what someone else thinks about it.

If a pigeon wrote a column, though, I would definitely read it.

Are you doing anything important on Saturday? No, certainly nothing can be nearly so important as attending the Doggie Happy Hour at Doc’s Clock, which this month benefits Vegansaurus’ favorite dog rescue organization, Rocket Dog Rescue!

Doc’s Clock hosts a Doggie Happy Hour on the first Saturday of every month, because it is a caring bar full of animal-lovers, all of whom deserve big kisses on the mouth. By the dogs who’ve benefited from these happy hours, obviously, god. Hazel, the greatest dog in the history of RDR, could be convinced to trade smooches for snacks. I bet.

Be there—2575 Mission St., between 21st and 22nd Streets—from 4 to 8 p.m. on Saturday, Sept. 5th with lots of cash in hand, as 50 percent of the bar goes right to RDR, in addition to 100 percent of the proceeds from the silent auction OH YES, THERE WILL BE AMAZING ITEMS FOR THE WINNING. I promise you* will want at least one of the WONDERFUL PRIZES. In addition, Doc’s Clock will take donations for VetSOS, which provides veterinary care for the companion animals of homeless people. Bring collars, leashes, harnesses, animal first aid supplies, unused animal medications—anything a pet might need, a homeless pet probably needs as well.

With all that good you can do with so little effort, how can you not go and spend money. FOR THE DOGS, the poor, sweet, needy dogs. You just get drunk and buy stuff, easy-peasy, and the world is a little bit better. See you on Saturday (or else)!

*OK fine, I promise I will want at least one of these things, but really, they’ll be great.