vegansaurus!

A mother bear in China killed her cub and then herself. Why? To escape the bear bile industry. You know, FUCKING BILE, that tasty digestive juice produced by the liver and stored in the gall bladder. That shit contains a chemical that can be synthesized now used in traditional Chinese medicine to treat heart arrhythmia, so this industry is totally still relevant—NOT.

The bears, Asiatic black bears or “moon bears,” at such bile farms have their gall bladders “milked” (GAG ME) daily in “crush cages,” which don’t provide enough room for bears to stand upright or turn around. You can tell it hurts them because the bears moan and chew their paws while this is happening. No SHIT it hurts!

This is what bear bile farming looks like.

And that’s exactly how the mother bear knew what was up: Reports claim she heard her cub crying while workers attempted to poke a milking hole in his little bear tummy. She BUSTED OUT OF HER NEARBY CAGE and scattered the workers. After an unsuccessful attempt to free her cub, she gave him a hug and then strangled him to death. Finally, she dropped the poor dead cub to the ground before running headfirst into a fucking wall.

This whole disaster supports my theories that 1) bears are awesome and 2) humans are terrible. Please donate to Animals Asia to help end bear farming. I’m going to go vomit now.

While summer temperatures soar, it’s great to cool down with refreshing chilled smoothies for a hearty breakfast or brunch. Recently reunited with my culinary muse and partner extraordinaire Courtney Pool, I have been inspired to throw heaping tablespoons of maca into recipes. She doesn’t seem to mind, bless her raw vegan gorgeous heart.

Maca adds a caramel-malt flavor, which is well combined with ingredients like indulgent cacao, protein-rich hemp seeds, omega-3- and bulk-adding chia seeds, and alkalizing superfood powder Vitamineral Green. Experimenting with local, fruity accents like strawberries or other berries can add color and texture to round out your delicious, nutrient-dense meal.

Here are the two latest recipes I have created. Hope you like them as much as my muse and I have. To make, just put all ingredients in a blender and combine. Enjoy!

The Cacaoinator
Sort of sounds like an Arnold b-movie, right? If Arnold had any sense, he’d be downing the cacaoinator instead of eating his words on national news.

Ingredients
4 Tbsp. Chia
1 Tbsp. Vitamineral Green
1 to 2 Tbsp. Cacao powder
1 to 2 Tbsp. Maca
1/2 cup Pumpkin seed milk
Ice

Optional
3 tsp. Hemp seeds
Lucuma (to taste)
Stevia (to taste)

Garnish
Brazil nuts
Bee pollen

Strawberry maca elixir
The secret is in the garnish! Chopped raw cacao paste or raw cacao nibs or bars, bee pollen, plus strawberries make this super-decadent. You can also garnish with mint, or any other type of berry or superfood.

This smoothie is best enjoyed with a friend or lover.

Ingredients
4 Tbsp. Chia
1 Tbsp. Cacao powder
1 Tbsp. Hemp seeds
1/4 cup Almond milk
1/4 cup Pumpkin seed milk
1 to 2 Tbsp. Maca
Stevia (to taste)
Ice

Optional
Lucuma (to taste)
Bee Pollen (garnish)

Garnish
Chopped cacao paste or raw cacao bars
Fresh strawberries

This is Vegansaurus raw correspondent Sarah E. Brown’s latest post! Read more by Sarah on Vegansaurus, and visit her personal blog, Queer Vegan Food.

Whether you want to convert your omnivorous friends, need renewed vegan resolve, or just want to cry (catharsis—look it up, people), the latest news from Nation Earth is good news: You can stream Earthlings for free from its website.

This is, to me, the saddest and most convincing documentary about using animals for human purposes. It’s sickening, but it’s effective. Maybe I’m just a big baby. If you ever find yourself or someone else questioning your vegan choices, pop this in for movie night and call me in the morning. I also recommend supporting Nation Earth by purchasing a copy of Earthlings as well. The bright spot: narrated by super-hottie Joaquin Phoenix.

The recipe is so simple! And all you’ll want to do is eat them ALL THE TIME! And that’s okay because they’re not THAT* bad for you!

*Actually, that depends on what you think THAT bad is. For me, it’s eating whipped cream topped with chocolate fudge, mayonnaise, and lard chunks. Shit, the Fat Elvis Pudding Pop is downright slim-ifying!

I would never leave Allen, but if I were going to be all “to the left, to the left,” it would only be for an adorably awkward ginger who loves frozen yogurt, writes songs about how people should be nicer, and reminds me of a less cynical Bo Burnham and an off-Broadway musical about coming out to your mom and hugs. Luckily for Allen, such a dude did not exist to, and he has always responded to my threats with a nonchalant “good luck out there!”

Then I stumbled onto the website of Stephan Nance. OK, I didn’t stumble—why would I make a wholehearted effort at finding a replacement for Allen?—Stephan sent us an email to promote his upcoming tour and I thought I would take this opportunity to support his efforts and also break up with Allen in a really public fashion so he wouldn’t cause a scene. Just like in Jerry Maguire.

I also thought it would be fitting to write about this now because my ex (Allen) just informed me that Wednesday is “Ginger Wednesday” on turntable and we are totally rocking out in a room full of ginger avatars on there. Also, GET OFF THE COUCH, ALLEN! YOU HAVE TO MOVE OUT! Also-also: Stephan’s stuff is on turntable! I especially like “Immunodeficiency” and “Song For Losers.” What? I do my research!

Ok, so about my new boyfriend and his career: Stephan Nance (pronounced Steven but never spelled that way, as per his website) has come up with a genre all his own that he calls “awkwardly charming vegan straight-edge queer alternative piano pop.” Since I have trouble understanding genre in the first place—never mind that there is something called “blue-eyed soul” that is an accepted thing—I am just going to take his word for it. Also, every time I hear piano pop I am all “oh yeah, totally! Tori Amos! I love her!” This seems to annoy a lot of people because apparently Tori Amos is not the only person to play a piano. Prime example: Stephan Nance also plays the piano. And he doesn’t just play the piano; apparently he plays it for a cause. I can’t wrap my head around that either. I can’t even wake up for a cause, let alone write songs and then record myself doing them for one.

From Stephan’s email:
“I’m about to embark on a tour of vegan-friendly frozen yogurt shops (and other frozen treateries and places that happen to have vegan froyo or soft-serve) in Oregon and Northern California, with later dates in Washington and B.C. In part this will be to promote my first full-length album (to be released in September), A Troubled Piece of Fruit. Since the album isn’t quite ready, I’ll be bringing along an EP of five songs, A Piece of the Piece. My larger goal is to challenge the popular interdependence of entertainment and alcohol consumption, and to encourage musicians and all-ages, alcohol-free businesses (e.g., sweet frozen treat parlors) to build relationships that will be beneficial both mutually and for the community as a whole.”

Awesome. Why are you not getting dressed for this already? Oh, right you want to know where he’s playing. OK, here you go. I even noted which fro-yo “treateries” (new boyfriend, you are adorable with your little words!) serve vegan options and which are dubious (because their websites don’t state it).Also, you would probably look pretty silly getting dressed now considering he isn’t playing until next week.

• Saturday, Aug. 13 (TOMORROW!) at 7:30 p.m. at the Yogurt Hut in Ashland, Ore. (non-dairy options available!)
• Thursday, Aug. 18 at 7 p.m. at Redwood Yogurt in Arcata, Calif. (not explicitly stated!)
• Saturday, Aug. 20, time TBA, at the Sacramento Film & Music Festival in Sacramento (no information available!)
• Sunday, Aug. 21 at 5 p.m. at Nature’s Express in Berkeley (you kidding me? We did a piece on them. Get up on this!)
• Tuesday, Aug. 23 at 8 p.m. at Forté Frozen Yogurt in Merced, Calif. (not explicitly stated!)
• Saturday, Aug. 27 at the Vida Vegan Con Galarama in Portland, Ore. (All vegan, bitches! Also, Laura and Meave are speaking!!)

I suggest that you go to Stephan’s website and check out some of his music (which is definitely awkward and charming), and then go out and see him in concert. I also suggest that you purchase his EP and also his full-blown album when it is released. Not just because it is really good, but because as my new boyfriend he is going to have to spend some cash to impress me. In “Song For Losers” he suggests that he would like to take me to the fair and win me a teddy bear. That’s all well and good, but I also need to visit the fun house and the rollercoaster for adventurous three-year-olds. And that is $20 minimum right there. At least this kid doesn’t even have has a “like” page on Facebook.

I also need yarn, Stephan! You need to sell more CDs!

[can’t see the videos? watch them on Vegansaurus.com]

San Francisco resident and dessert-maker extraordinaire Gregory Manitsas has worked at Cafe Gratitude for three years, as the bakery manager and head pastry chef for the last year and a half. He is not only an amazing creative force, but an inspirational vegan as well. Gregory has been a vegan for 13 of his 28 years! Rumor has it, he’s about to go take L.A. by storm.

Vegansaurus: How long have you been vegan? What inspired the lifestyle?
Gregory Manitsas: In August I will have been vegan for 13 years. August 1 is my vegan birthday that I recognize every year and feel very proud of. I was vegetarian before vegan. When I was 10 years old, I stopped eating read meat, then came chicken, then came fish, and by 14 I was totally vegan. I don’t even remember why I stopped eating red meat; it just seemed like a natural thing for me to do. When I discovered how tremendously those we eat for food suffer, I wanted nothing to do with it. When I committed to a live a completely vegan lifestyle at the age of 14, I was extremely motivated and activated about being a voice for animal rights and raising the bar on how humans treat and relate to our fellow earthlings.

Are you raw?
I consider myself a raw foodist, but cooked food is definitely part of my diet. I have experimented with different ways of being raw. I’ve done 100 percent raw here and there. I usually do this for cleansing or to inspire myself. Eating all raw foods is really energizing and exciting for me, and sometimes I will do it to inspire myself and motivate my body. Right now my diet is about half raw and half cooked. I eat more raw in the summer than the winter. The more fresh, raw foods I eat, the better I feel.

What do you see as the benefits of a raw food diet?
There are so many benefits to eating raw foods. For me, raw foods mean fresh foods. The closer the food that we eat is to its natural state, the better it is for our bodies. The Earth has created a bounty of amazingness that grows right from the soil in perfect balance to nourish our bodies. As we cook, process and manipulate our foods, we actually deplete its nutritional value and diminish its ability to nourish our bodies. The impact of eating unnatural foods is profound and should not be disregarded.

Raw foods are often seen as time-consuming and expensive. What do you think of this? Which tools and tips are crucial for the budding home raw food chef?
Yes, raw foods can feel laborious and expensive. This was my experience when I began, but then I realized I was approaching it wrong. Keep it simple: raw foods is about eating fresh, natural foods that come directly from the Earth. Have fun! Go to the farmer’s market or grocery store and be amazed by the gorgeous fruits and vegetables. Try things you’ve never eaten before. Appreciate the colors, textures and smells. Start slowly and build. You’ll learn a little bit more every day. Just start exploring and have fun. Read up on raw foods. There are some amazing raw foods educators and chefs out there; I recommend David Wolf and Dr Gabriel Cousens. Knowing about the foods you are consuming is extremely empowering.

What goes into the process of creating new raw desserts and tastes? 
When I develop new recipes, I go with what I’m excited about. What do I want to eat? What would I love to serve at a dinner party? What ingredient do I want to use? Sometimes I try a dish or see a recipe that I am inspired by, or a painting, a film, or an experience. Sometimes at work I will create a recipe based around something really practical, like, “We have a lot of grapes from the farm; what can we do with grapes?”

What kind of sugar alternatives do you use in a raw dessert?
The main sweeteners I currently use are medjool dates and agave nectar. There are also other sweeteners out there like yacon, Jerusalem artichoke syrup, coconut nectar, coconut sugar, raisins, fresh fruit, dried berries, and fruit.

As someone who has lived in both New York and San Francisco, could you recommend your favorite vegan restaurants to Vegansaurus readers?
In New York, my favorite thing to do is eat falafel sandwiches. I love them! They got me through college. There are some great places to get falafel in New York—I recommend Mamouns near Washington Square Park, and Chickpea by Astor Place. Every falafel sandwich is different and it is so fun to discover new ones. Falafel sandwiches are essentially deep fried chickpea patties in pita bread with fresh salad and tahini sauce. Simple, delicious perfection! Some places use yogurt sauce instead of tahini, so double check that they are using tahini, which is standard.

My favorite place to eat in S.F.—honestly I don’t eat out very often. When I do it is usually some little hole-in-the-wall, ethnic kind of place. I love Japanese food. Soba noodle soup is my favorite, or yam tempura rolls. Since I live in the Mission, it’s super easy to go to a taqueria and grab a vegan burrito; rice, black beans, lettuce, salsa and avocado wrapped in a tortilla. Delicious and satisfying, all the time. I’m getting hungry. Good thing there’s a taqueria on every block in my neighborhood!

Thanks Gregory! I’m hungry now too. Hungry for Cafe Gratitude’s tiramisu, the best dessert I have EVER eaten.

You most likely have no clue what Yumm Sauce is because you’ve been living under a motherfucking rock. It’s this savory, tangy, creamy dressing/dip/sauce of amazement, available almost exclusively* from Cafe Yumm, a chain of restaurants in Eugene, Ore. At this magical Cafe Yumm, they serve the sauce on pretty much everything, but most especially their bowls.

It’s totally next-level hippie shit, so damn good. You’ll feel so nourished by comforting, healthful, real foods that you end up typing sentences as embarrassing as this one. Damn, that shit will make you go cross-eyed it’s so good, and the bitch of it is you can only get it in certain parts of the Pacific Northwest. Ugh, awful. You’re probably like, “Laura, why the hell are you telling us about this magical magicallity when I can’t ever eat it? Although you’re pretty and smart, YOU SUCK!”

To that I say: 1) You think I’m pretty? Aww, thanks! And 2) GIRLFRIEND, I GOT YOUR BACK. I found a recipe online and it’s the real deal. Well, it’s not exactly the real deal, but it’s very similar, not much work at all, and HELLA TASTY. Make it immediately, put it on everything, win the respect of family and friends.** Plus, it’s wheat-free, gluten-free, sugar-free, and low in sodium, if you care about that shit. There’s a ton of oil in it but that’s good fat, right?

This picture is what your sauce should look like, except not in a jar with a label. If it looks like that, it’s because you wimped out and just bought some. Not cool, dawg.

*I say “almost exclusively” because Jonas brought me some back from Food Fight Grocery in Portland once. That was the day we got along the best in the history of our relationship.

**Good luck with THAT.

UPDATE: substitute nutritional yeast for the brewers yeast! LISTEN TO COMMENTER ADRIENNE, SHE IS VERY RIGHT. 

UPDATE 2: Peas and Thank You, a really, really great blog, has a recipe that looks actually more right on then the one above, so MAKE THIS ONE. Thanks, Steph! 

A recent Psychology Today article stated that most vegetarians eventually go back to eating meat (I’d like to point out that this was based on a pretty small survey). I think one big reason why people give up the veg life is nutrition—not that it’s hard to have a nutritious plant-based diet, because it’s not, but because they don’t know how to. OK, and because they are sick of explaining how to nosy meat-eaters.

I’m sure fine Vegansaurus readers know that you don’t have to eat beef to get iron or drink milk to get calcium, and that there are plenty of awesome plant-based sources of protein. But do you know the why behind all of that? Not a lot of people do; after all, how many of the omnivores you know can rattle off a bunch of facts about the nutritional content of eggs, or tell you exactly how many grams of protein are in a serving of chicken breast? Not many. That is why you should pick up Vegan for Life, an awesome new book by dieticians Jack Norris and Ginny Messina. Your own health will improve, thanks to the excellent knowledge the book imparts to you, and you’ll be able to get your know-it-all on when someone dismisses your chickpea masala as void of protein.

The best thing about Vegan for Life is how even-handed the book is. Norris and Messina don’t make a bunch of nutty healthy claims, and they don’t pull facts out of their asses; they present the science and let it speak for itself. The nutritional breakdown of foods like tofu, black beans, and spinach are well known and can be proven; there’s no need to make that stuff up. This isn’t a book for hippies who think they can be sustained on sunlight and happy thoughts; it’s a common-sense guide to eating a healthy and varied plant-based diet. That approach makes it lot harder for naysayers to be dismissive.

Vegan for Life offers an easy way to eat to a healthy daily vegan diet, like a food pyramid for the cruelty-free. They talk about healthy vegan eating for all stages of life, from childhood to old age, and give a great guide to eating vegan while pregnant and breastfeeding. They also look at vegan diets for people with conditions like diabetes and heart disease. There’s something for everyone in here, and it all underlines the fact that vegan eating is healthy and feasible for everyone. The ethical reasons for eating vegan are outlined at the back of the book; if you already know, you already know, but readers who aren’t familiar with them will read about all the cruelty that a vegan diet avoids after already getting the facts on how awesome it is for their own bodies. Smart.

If you are vegan or vegetarian, you should get—and read!—Vegan for Life. I’m a health reporter, and there are still things in here that I didn’t know before I picked it up. If someone in your life has talked about reducing the amount of meat they eat, or trying to be vegetarian or vegan, this book is a great way to show them that it’s easier than they may think, and definitely really healthy. Go get it!

You can buy Vegan for Life at Herbivore Clothing Company, Cosmo’s Vegan Shoppe, or your preferred local or online bookstore.

Terri Coles lives in Toronto, Ont., where she enjoys barbecuing, feeding feral cats, going to local music shows and getting really mad about hockey games. She blogs about her adventures in plant-based eating at The Vegina Monologues.

First, there’s Laura Miller with San Francisco-based Sidesaddle Kitchen (we love her and her delicious wares). She was selling at the Underground Market but then that shit was shut down by the Feds or whatever and so she’s looking for some help via Kickstarter. If you’re into tasty raw goodness, look into donating, because she’s the real deal and her product knows what’s up! She’s looking to go legit and is crowd-sourcing her funds, so if you want to be swimming in RAW VEGAN THIN MINTS, you’ll get up on that. Plus, her Kickstarter video is super super cute and great and you should watch it and then give her all your money. Sidesaddle’s trying to raise $10,000 and she has until Sunday, Aug. 21 to do it. BAM!

Second there’s Never Felt Better vegan shop in Sacramento raising money on Indie Gogo! They tried a Kickstarter earlier this year and found that maybe the amount they were asking for was a little too much from us poor vegans, so they’re going a new route and trying to raise smaller bits of cash for smaller projects. Smart! They’re currently the only all-vegan store in Northern California and I’m afraid that if we don’t support them, that they won’t make it. And they should, because they are awesome, and providing a great service, and come on, vegans! I know there are some Scrooge McDucks out there swimming around in their piles of money (invite me over! I swim really well in money!) and why not throw a few dollars to these vegan companies, DO IT TO IT. Never Felt Better is trying to raise $2,500 and they have 22 days left. BAM!

New York, you should get yourselves to Sustainable NYC tonight for the vegan and animal-rights book swap! The more of you go, the more awesome it’ll be. Unless you all only bring, like, the third copy of Vegan with a Vengeance that you got for Christmas/Hanukkah/whatever gift-giving winter holiday you celebrate. Don’t be stingy, share your fancy vegan reading!

Remember, they’re also having a raffle in support of Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary, with prizes like a gift certificate to Sustainable NYC, an Our Hen House tote bag, and a gift certificate to the indie bookshop Book Thug Nation! All books remaining after the swap will be donated to the Housing Works Bookstore Cafe. Also, you can buy vegan ice cream from Lula’s Sweet Apothecary in the cafe, and get a 10 percent discount on all items in the shop during the event!

The book swap will be held tonight at Sustainable NYC, at 139 Avenue A at E. 9th Street, from 6 to 9 p.m. For more info, visit the Facebook page, or contact organizer Olivia Lane.

[“Woman Reading by a Paper-Bell Shade” by Henry Robert Morland, via Yale Digital Commons]

This is four-year-old Nina from Saxapahaw, NC with her pet hen Hedda! She is a super adorbs vegetarian. But she is not your average vegetarian as she only occasionally eats eggs from her adopted pet hens. Funny notes about the eggs from her mom: “She often cracks the eggs in the coop and feeds them right back to the girls. She also will school anyone who makes the mistake of offering her eggs from any other source; I think she gets a lot of enjoyment out of watching adults squirm when she explains fertilization and animal abuse to them in her squeaky four-year old voice.” I’d like to see that!

Another funny note from her mom (her mom is funny! She writes a blog! And has a recipe blog! Nina seems like quite a card too): “Nina calls herself “veggan” (her father and I thought she meant a Vegan, as in from the planet Vega in that movie Contact, but we were wrong). She’s very bossy and if she hears you call her a vegetarian she will kick you in the shins. Nina was 100% vegan from birth until she was three and a half years old, when our rescued flock started laying eggs. Aside from an occasional egg from our hens, Nina is vegan in every other aspect of her diet and lifestyle.” Additionally, she’s hilarious and adorbs.

What is your favorite food?
Nina: Pineapple! [Ed. note: OMG I love pineapple too! Sometimes I eat so much that it cuts up my tongue! Totes worth it.]

What is your favorite kind of birthday cake?
Nina: Strawberries, blueberries and vegan M&Ms. [Ed. note: Jealous]

Why are you vegetarian?
Nina: Because I do not like to kill animals, because that is not very nice! [Ed. note: She’s right, not very nice]

Do you like being vegetarian? Why?
Nina:  YEAH! Because I do not like to kill things.

Is it ever hard to be vegetarian?
Nina: NO!

What do your friends think about you being vegetarian?
Nina: It is great and awesome!

What is your favorite animal? Why?
Nina: The myosaurus and the reindeer, because they are friendly. [Ed. note: Even wikipedia has barely heard of the myosaurus!]

Do you like pink dinosaurs? Can you draw one for us? We would love it!
Nina:No, because I just like yellow myosauruses. They are my favorite. But I will draw you a pink dinosaur anyway.

[Mom note: I thought it was a vampire/zombie stick figure of me, but she insists that it is a pink tyrannosaurus rex. In fact, it’s a pink mama t-rex, with her baby t-rex perched on her shoulder (of course, duh!). The mama t-rex needs to find some meat for her baby and it trying to get past the purple wall that the plant-eating myosauruses put up to keep predators away (I guess she gets the whole “circle of life” thing).
What cracks me up is that despite the fact that she is against meat and dairy (she even heckled people in line at the deli in our co-op last weekend, much to my surprise and embarrassment) she is fascinated with predators.  My crazy kid!]

As per usual, if you have a vegan or vegetarian kid who wants to do the interview, email me! It’s fun!

You guys, I am so mad at Allen! Last night he left the lock to his gym locker in his car and had to run back and get it while I was changing in the gym. This totally wouldn’t have been a big deal if Allen and I didn’t share a locker when we go to the gym. Unfortunately, we do. So as Allen hustled (I imagine, he could have walked slowly to inflict maximum humiliation) back to the car I was left to watch our stuff. In my swim trunks. for five minutes. You guys see where I’m going with this? Here I am, in a room full of men in various stages of undress and I’m just sitting on a stool in my swim trunks, trying not to make eye contact with anyone so I don’t get reported to the staff for perving out half-naked at the local family gym. When Allen returned, he failed to see how this was an issue in any way. “It’s fine,” he said. “No one even noticed—probably.” And then he did this little giggle thing which made me realize that he probably knew exactly how I felt and not only did not empathize but also found it amusing. It took all of my energy not to drown him as we were Zumba-ing about the pool, but there would have been too many witnesses.

In addition to the above injustices, it appears that Allen also took the delicious cookies I purchased for myself yesterday to work with him. I have no proof of this (because Allen refuses to take my phone calls at work due to an unfortunate incident several months ago when I called to inform him that my Mii beat his Mii at running) but I cannot find my cookies, so I have decided to spent the rest of the afternoon seething and sighing loudly about the great wrongs that have been done to me. If I have enough energy, I will sit in the living room in the dark and when Allen comes home and asks me what is wrong, I will say “nothing” and storm off in a huff. That’ll teach him. Goddamnit, now I really want those cookies!

I am really angry now, and since it is unhealthy to reserve all of my anger for the one person I live with and get kicked by at night (oh, that’s another thing! It’s not a good night unless Allen kicks someone in his sleep!) I am going to project some of it further outwards and onto this one douchebag* who raped a cat and then threw it out a window. Seriously, if I have told you once I have told you a thousand times, stop having sex with animals. They can’t consent, and based on the charming personalities and physical appearances of the people who are trying to get into their (no) pants, I doubt they would be all that into it even if they could agree. Especially if you’re going to try to throw them out the window afterward. God, I bet to this guy throwing a cat out of the window after inserting himself into it was probably the equivalent of closing down all of your internet browsers (or ripping the VHS/DVD out of the machine) after you’ve finished doing what Deenie used to do in the bathtub. Oh wait, I am totally right! He threw a porno out of the window along with the cat. Awesome, so he murdered a cat  because he was feeling guilty. What a horrible human being. I hope he gets a lot of counseling while he spends a potential five years in jail.

Oh, before I go on I need to point out that I found the cookies and have now finished the entire packet. I blame this on Allen because if he had gotten back to me sooner, I would not have been craving them as much and would not have inhaled them with such alarming speed. Now I am on a sugar rush and will certainly have enough energy to sigh and flounce about when he comes home. Man, I am even angrier that i ate those cookies so fast that I didn’t even think to put them into soy milk. He is really going to get it for being so inconsiderate.

Gary the gourami is totally feling me on this one. That fish lived on Kit-Kats for a hella long time and then had to be tricked into eating fruits by having Kit-Kats stuffed into them in order for him to eat. That is for real. That is how I function. Allen is all, “Mark, here is some delicious broccoli!” and I am all, “IS THE BROCCOLI MADE OUT OF CANDY?! NEXT!” And then both Gary and I outgrow our tanks and people have to trick us into eating our fruits and vegetables and then we resent them for it. How big of a problem is it that I feel that if Gary and I were to meet we would totally kick it together and then get into a quickly spiraling co-dependent relationship that would end with lots and lots of tears and melted Kit-Kats? Should I be seeking help for this?

Now I need to take a nap. Please send me links for next week and try to spend the rest of today without trying to throw a party in a subway. Actually, no I’m not done. As someone who takes public transportation EVERYWHERE the idea of some hipsters invading a subway train and “partying” in it fills me with an unspecified amount of vitriol that I would like to spew all over them as my head turns around and around and around. That’s not cool, you guys. People have to go places!

Now I’m done!

*I spent like five minutes trying to come up with a better word, but this one is just so good! What would you have used?

Two recipes, one post! Though I love my vegan cheese in a jar, I also enjoy making my own condiments at home. Both of these cheeses are mostly raw, yet I always end up cooking with them. Added bonus—soy- and gluten-free!

Nacho cheese sauce
Ingredients
1 cup soaked cashews**
1/2 Tbsp. olive oil
1/2 cup water
Juice of half a lemon
1 clove of garlic
2 bell peppers
1 1/2 tsp. salt

Instructions
Blend together until completely smooth. I add a little bit of red chili pepper for some kick. I own a Vita-Mix, which completely pulverizes my cashews in a matter of seconds. This should work with a run-of-the-mill blender or food processor—so snobby! Sorry, I just can’t help it. If you still have chunks of cashews in your cheese, you can always strain it through a nut milk bag.

You can leave it as a raw sauce, or bake it onto something, even just heat it up on the stove and pour over some chips. Add jalapenos if you are so inclined.  My next venture is to leave out the spice and make mac ‘n’ cheese with it. 

I’ve used this cheese sauce on broccoli, Brussels sprouts, and enchiladas.

Cheesy Brussels sprouts!

Cheesy broccoli!

Enchiladas!

Italian-style cashew cheese
Ingredients
1 cup soaked cashews
3/4 cup water
Juice of half a lemon
4 cloves of garlic (you may want to start with 2)
salt and pepper to taste (start with 1/2 tsp. salt and 1/4 tsp. pepper)
1/2 tsp. Italian herbs

Instructions
Put water and cashews into a food processor/blender/Vita-Mix, and blend until smooth. Add the rest of your ingredients, all EXCEPT Italian herbs. Taste. Want more zip? Add more lemon juice. I end up using about a teaspoon of salt, and probably between 1/4 and 1/2 tsp. pepper. Too thick? Add a little more water. Once you get your base right, add Italian herbs. Blend them ever so slightly, just until incorporated; you don’t want them to break down too much and turn your cheese green!

There you have it. Soy-free, gluten-free, fresh vegan mozzarella. Or whatever you want to call it. I LOVE this stuff! I use it on all my veganized “Italian” food—pizza, eggplant “parmesan,” plain old pasta. It is amazing!

The cheese comes out so fancy if you have a squeeze bottle!

My eggplant “parmesan,” or as I like to call it, cheesy Italian eggplant casserole. Want this recipe? I give out all my secrets after a couple rounds of cocktails—on you!

**Soak 3/4 cup raw, unsalted cashews for at least six hours—covered, at room temperature—but best if overnight, in a container with a lid in the fridge. If you are short on time, you can boil the cashews on medium-high for about 15 to 20 minutes, until cashews are soft.

Having volunteered in jail and jail-adjacent settings, I have seen some pretty ridiculous things happen, and been bummed out by the treatment some people receive at the hands of those in power. Here’s the thing: our jail system is really broken. I don’t want to go into the details of how and why, because this isn’t “Mark gets on a soap box about mental health and the jail population (if you’re interested, email me!), but if you google “jail” and “mistreatment” you won’t want for examples. One thing I have never heard of or seen, however, is anyone being refused a vegan or vegetarian meal. Because that’s crazy, right? There’s no reason to do something like that. Except, apparently, in Marin (and a whole bunch of other places, but we’re just focusing on Marin today).

In jail you are already stripped of so much. You shower when you’re told to, you have to raise your hand to go to the bathroom, and you have to submit to random searches and do count times and all sorts of other weird administrative things that seem both frustrating and annoying. I get it; it’s important to make sure there’s no crowding in the bathrooms and that no one is fighting. It’s also important to account for all the people that are supposed to be in a pod/wing/ward. What I don’t get is why someone would be denied a vegan meal because they’re not vegan for a religious reason. That just seems so arbitrary and poorly planned that it makes my head spin in several different directions at once.

You think, “They must have a good reason and I’m sure they’ll share it with us.” Then you read the rest of the article and discover that Dave McDonald, the man whose requests were denied, was basically starved because the officers were “following the law.” Not to say that following laws is a bad thing, certainly not in jail, but I’m wondering why no one took a look at the laws governing jails and asked why inmates couldn’t have vegan meals. I also wonder why no one considered that some laws are so outdated that it doesn’t make sense to follow them, especially if not following them doesn’t harm anyone. I wonder how providing a vegan meal could have been harmful to anyone in the jail. They kind of tried to put some stuff together for this guy, but if you’re going so far as to throw the guy a mix of vegetables and bread, why not just give him the vegan meal and be done with it? Why barely feed someone for 99 days (which is how long it took for some tests to be run on alleged controlled substances) and explain your behavior by claiming your hands are tied?

A good result of this debacle is that people are taking notice, and reviewing the laws and policies. Why did it take so long, and why does reading this article make me so sad about the state of social services—jails, especially those that provide programs, classes, and case-management are definitely social services—today?