Enjoy Vegetarian!  »

Enjoy Vegetarian used to have a dish on its menu named “vag ham.” It has since been corrected to read “veg ham,” but for one glorious year, it was known to me and my friends simply as ham of the vag. And it was simply delicious. OKAY SORRY I HAD TO GET THAT OUT THE WAY IT WAS KILLING ME. Oh adorable Chinese-menu-Engrish, I love you. You bring me happiness in a way that few other things do.

Enjoy Vegetarian is a delightful little nook of a Chinese restaurant in the highly public transport accesible Inner Sunset. Almost everything on the enormous menu is vegan (some exceptions are clearly marked) and most all of it is delicious. Try the curry triangles, which are basically mashed potatoes wrapped in phylo and then deep fried. Listen. Potato + dough + deep fryer = MAGIC. Get at least three orders. Everything on the menu is a pretty solid bet but I’m particularly fond of their salty fish fried rice (it’s salty! and fishy! but not gross and actually delicious! crazy!) and various claypots. The menu is heavy on fake meats of all kinds but they actually have quite a few healthier vegetable options if you roll like that. But then I guess you don’t really roll, you more move your splintery body through space.

Word to the wise: They close between lunch and dinner (from 2:30 to 5 p.m.) so don’t drag your ass all the way out there at 3 jonesing for a curry triangle or seven. Ugh that was an awful day. Also on that day, my car broke down because of lack of gas (WAY TO GO, CAR! WHAT A LOSER!) and I had to hitchhike up Van Ness to get to a fucking gas station and then the foster dog that was in my car locked me out while I was gone and took a dump on a stack of important papers. Shoot me in the face.

Every once in a while someone asks me if I’m really planning on killing myself and how would I do it because that’s what you’re supposed to ask a potentially suicideal person and to them I say, “I’d SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FACE, dumbass. And listen, if I was gonna kill myself, don’t you think I would have done it by now?? I mean, look at the above scenario and realize this is almost a daily occurance in my life and then you ask me if I’m suicidal again! DO IT!!!” Ugh, actually, I must be the most optomistic fuck on Earth because if that shit combined with the depressing reality of living in this messed-up world doesn’t cause me to put a bullet in my brain, I don’t know what will. Suggestions?

Finally, BEWARE THE FREE DESSERT. It tastes how it looks, and I’m not going to get descriptive on its ass because it’ll get ugly. And it’s not just because I’m Whitey McBoringPalate but also because it’s the funk nasty. Get the oranges instead. Besides, better luck! Chinese people, am I right??

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