The amazing math whizzes at OK Cupid have spoken, and now we have definitive proof of yet another way in which the veggie-set is a superior class of humanity: we’re way more into giving oral sex. SO GENEROUS! [And yes, dumbass, it’s vegan—no suffering involved!]
If you find this a silly chart, you probably need to go read the whole archive* of OK Cupid’s OKTrends blog, in which the free dating site’s founders make epic good use of their huge data pool to reveal hidden wonders about our species (at least the part of it which uses online dating sites). They use real math and everything! It’s hilarious!
Questions I still have (are you listening, math whizzes?):
- How does the vegan sub-class stack up? Perhaps they didn’t have enough data to answer that. Go sign up for an OK Cupid profile and answer all the questions about oral sex. No, I don’t care that you’re married, make your vegan husband sign up too. We need to REPRESENT!
- What happens if you cross-analyze this info and the vegan sub-class info with how people respond to the classic silly question, “Which would you rather give up for the rest of your life, oral sex or cheese?”
Math world, I await answers. In the meantime, I leave you with this generous list of veggie-friendly sex terms, compiled by OK Cupid staff:
Vegetarian-Friendly Sex Slang
Peeling the banana
Tossing the salad
Squeezing the melons
Zeroing in on a grown man’s nuts and nutsack
Putting Monsanto in yoursanto
Ordering the split pea soup
Sorry, that’s got ham
Bonus points for coming up with more in the comments.
*[For a fun, quick hit of it, check out the story I did for Wired applying their findings to Optimus Prime, leader of the Transformers. Yeah, I’m a nerd, but I’m a nationally published nerd so it’s all good.]