vegansaurus!

09/22/2010

Hello friends, it’s WTF Wednesday!  »

Hello and welcome to “WTF Wednesdays,” an exciting new Vegansaurus feature. Notice that I did not spell out the F word because I want this post to be classy and family-friendly. Kind of like Hooters, but without the chicken wings. Or the girls in tight-fitting uniforms. Or the deep-fried pickles, which are, admittedly, the best part of the Hooters experience. Here is how you can make them! See, we are learning already!

Now, let’s jump right into the fuckery (oops!) going on this week!
First up, we have a bear who got killed for being a bear. The Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks (FWP) officials said that the black bear and her cubs were “causing trouble,” so they “euthanized” her for committing her “third offense.” Oh, OK. I didn’t know you could communicate with bears, Montana FWP. I’m sure this was a difficult decision for you and I’m also sure that you read the bear her fucking rights after arresting her for her last offense, in which she TURNED OVER SOME GARBAGE CANS with her cubs. The bears had already been caught once during the summer and relocated to another part of Montana, but surprise, they returned to their home in the Helena Valley. An FWP game warden in Helena is curious how the bears found their way home and suggests that they “have some kind of homing device.” NO SHIT, idiot. I know where I live, too. And I bet if you were kidnapped for doing what you do, taken to a different part of the state, and let out into the wild, you would find your way back to your home, too. How are animals different? Because they can’t talk? What is wrong with you?

Even worse, the article reports that “residents…know to keep their garbage cans and pet food indoors,” because the bears are around. That’s right; bears scavenge from garbage cans sometimes. Sometimes they kill chickens, too. You people were told to keep your shit inside, but because you chose not to be responsible for your garbage, a mother bear was murdered—so now you’re responsible for the death of one bear, and the lives of her two orphaned cubs.

OK, what’s next? It’s a woman who shot an alligator. Oh, but it’s not just any alligator. It is her first alligator! It weighed 1,025 pounds! And killing it was apparently “the hunt of a lifetime!” Congratulations on being a horrible person, Maryellen Mara-Christion of Fitchburg, Mass.! Did you guys know that it is illegal to shoot a free-swimming alligator in South Carolina, where Maryellen killed this one? For a second, I thought this woman would get into trouble, but no, it’s legal to shoot an alligator once you have used “large snatch-hooks” to prevent it from swimming. Then you can shoot the alligator with a gun, or harpoon—hunter’s choice!

Unfortunately, Maryellen’s gun was not of sufficient strength to kill the alligator which, after two hours, she had hooked to the side of her boat, so when she discovered that shooting the alligator wasn’t going to finish it, Maryellen decided to attack the problem more directly, BY PLUNGING A KNIFE INTO THE ALLIGATOR AND SEVERING ITS SPINE! Charming! Equally charming is Maryellen’s description of the killing: “It was just shake, shake, shake,” she said. “I was shaking for a long time after, but that happens when you hunt.”

Maryellen says that each animal she hunts is a “unique experience” and that she is not “afraid of the alligators.” Seriously? YOU HAVE GUNS AND HARPOONS! What about an alligator is frightening to you and your arsenal? Oh, and you’ve hunted black bear before, too, have you? AWESOME! Maybe you got the chance to orphan some cubs, just like the Montana FWP!

So that’s all for this week. I am hoping to make “WTF Wednesday” a weekly thing, and I hope you will help me! If you happen to come across something amazing/fucked-up/dramatic that pertains to vegans, vegetarians, adorable animals, animals singing, or anything else that is SUPER-AWESOME during your travels on the information super-highway, please send me a link at my brand-new email address, mark@vegansaurus.com. If sending me an email is too much commitment (I know, we’ve only just met! But I’ve never felt this way about anyone else!), please link things in the comments!

Have a great Hump Day!

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