Hell with you, Starbucks  »

Yesterday Starbucks announced that it would be selling healthier, more natural, more delicious food alongside its enormous coffee menu. Hooray, the people said; hooray.

The new items include a banana bread that is “nearly 30 percent real banana;” the Marshmallow Dream Bar—a “sensible” alternative to those wicked, enfattening Rice Krispies treats—a blueberry-oat concoction with a streusel topping; a strawberry-banana smoothie made with 2 percent milk and whey powder; and the “Farmer’s [sic] Market Salad,” made of romaine, apples, dried cranberries, almonds, and bleu cheese. And no, they can’t take the cheese out, they come prepackaged.

What do the dairy-eschewers get? Hard to say. I believe it’s safe to assume that the fruit cup is exclusively fruit, but Starbucks loves to sneak milk and its byproducts into goddamn everything, and there is no actual nutritional information on the “nutritional information” page, so I would ask before purchasing.

One might think that with its headquarters in Seattle (a city with some fine vegan dining, I’m told), someone at Starbucks would realize that the vegan market is ripe for exploitation. Lord knows we love a baked good. That might even improve its image in our community, the majority of which holds Starbucks in low, low esteem (right? right).

But nooooo, instead the geniuses in charge add fucking cheese to their salads, take the yolks out of the egg sandwiches, and continue to act like a passel of doofuses whose choices do not merit all their company’s successes.

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