Eight restaurant menu items vegans are sick of having to order  »

It’s the holiday season, and that means more dinners out with friends, family, coworkers, and other people who are not always vegan. Whether your company party is at a fancy restaurant, your Hannukah tradition is brunch out, or your family gets Chinese on New Year’s Day, you’re likely to encounter the same vegan crap at omni restaurants everywhere. So listen up, world, and try something more creative than the following eight menu items we vegans are fed up (pun intended!) with ordering.

1. Veggie burger
Danielle via Flickr

Most of the time, it’s not even vegan! And it comes with mayonnaise, so watch out! Plus it’s often burnt to a crisp by people who don’t know how to cook burgers made of anything but beef.

2. Garden salad

Suzy Morris via Flickr

There is nothing reflective of a garden about these salads: iceberg lettuce, mealy tomatoes, and grated parmesan if we forget to ask for no cheese. There’s no protein unless you opt for bacon (I’m lookin’ at you, Applebee’s), and there’s almost never any other vegetables. Would it kill you to throw in a few almonds, kidney beans, red onions, or some motherfucking peas once in a while? You have that technology.

3. Spaghetti with marinara
Sabine via Flickr

Only if the cooks can figure out how to make a marinara sauce without cheese (I understand this is rocket science). If not, you’ve got yourself some noodles with olive oil on top. Lame.

4. Bean burrito

Danielle and Steph via Flickr

There is nothing inspiring about a bean-and-rice burrito with the circumference of my thumb. Nothing.

5. Tofu scramble

Leena via Flickr

When restaurants deign to give us tofu, it’s frequently scrambled. Don’t get me wrong: I love a good tofu scramble, but restaurants seem to make them undercooked, slimy, and flavorless, with less-than-firm tofu (silken is NOT GONNA CUT IT). I got food poisoning from a tofu scramble that had peanut sauce all over it. Who was in charge of R&D on that one? I’ve never had any restaurant prepare a tofu scramble even 10 percent as well as the recipe in Vegan with a Vengeance. You’re welcome.

6. Hummus plate

Sean Dreilinger via Flickr

Again, another item we vegans could probably make better at home. There are a few decent ones, but if you just slap some pita and a dollop of Tribe on a plate, you run the risk of offending me. And you do not want my ANGRR.

7. Garlic fries

Jason DeRusha via Flickr

Did you know that at many pubs and establishments serving Irish food, this is the only vegan option on the entire menu? You know I love garlic, and you should know I love fries, but I’m tired of ordering them and then having a hard time making friends. Think we could get some god-damned truffle oil on those bad boys? Protip: Sprinkling fries with parsley does not magically turn them into garlic fries.

8. Sorbet

Angela Schmeidel Randall via Flickr

Wow, a dessert? Oh, you shouldn’t have. No, really, you shouldn’t have, because sorbet is no more than a palate cleanser. It melts quickly, it’s unsatisfying, and it’s borderline HEALTHY! When we want dessert, we want something that will make us fat. If it keeps us up all night, like some mocha lava cake, all the better.

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