The word of God: Vegans are witches! »
Their slimy, pickle-colored, wart-ridden skin, enormous noses and jutting chins, web-like, matted hair and sickly demeanor led folks to know instantly what they were — witches!
Dang, isn’t that the truth? This statement comes from the most enlightening sermon by Harry Hardwick (porn name) on the Landover Baptist Church website that’s like The Onion but for religion, which has to be way easier to write because hella religious people are super nuts. If you told me that an Evangelical preacher said that God was stuck in a pickle jar somewhere and so we had to stop eating pickles and also, send him all our money so he could buy up all the pickles and save God, I’d be all, “That sounds about right.” Point is, I’m excused for not getting it at first, and don’t act like you haven’t thought fake shit was real and vice versa before. I won’t have my childlike innocence crushed!
Anyway, Hardwick’s totally vexed that witches aren’t as easy to spot nowadays as when they were pickle-colored. Luckily, they now identify themselves as “vegans!” Oh, and real men eat meat and cheese, “while fruits and vegetables are what housewives and sissies on Weight Watchers eat.” And vegan men are “homos.” And this:
Just as God created woman solely to be the servant of man, meaning women are to obey their husbands at all times, keep their mouths shut in church and never teach (1 Timothy 2:11-15; Ephesians 5:22-24), so, too, God created animals so we would have something to fill our stomachs with after a hard day’s work.
And he tells everyone to kill us!
If you spot one of these demons, detain it and, when you’re through roasting that side of beef you’re having for dinner, replace that meat on the skewer with the heathen, and help restore a long-missed moral tradition.
So basically, I’m in love, and very much wish he was real! Talk that sweet talk, you sexy man of god!
Reader Christi R. emailed this to me and I will forever be grateful. Even if this site is a total joke, I wish it was real because I hella love The Craft and Teen Witch. Top That!