vegansaurus!

09/04/2009

Summer Gardening Edition: Very Revealing Hot and Sexy Pictures XXX!  »

Vegansaurus is mostly a San Francisco joint, but everywhere else in the Northern hemisphere, it’s hot. The dudes are stripping off their t-shirts and the ladies are adjusting their bikini straps, many of them baking to the golden color of sweet potato fries. At least in Jersey and Europe, where white people still haven’t discovered sunscreen.

To help you make it through the heat and California’s eternal drought, we’re giving you some vegan eye candy to suck on: hot photos of some of the sexiest reproductive organs to be found on common garden edibles! Big, small, purple, or yellow, these flowers show that growing food isn’t just healthy and practical—it’s like totally superficial, too!

Fragile, pale and tiny, strawberry flowers are all the more attractive because you just know they’re gonna grow up to be sweet and juicy. And if you thought that description was sexually suggestive, you are probably not allowed near public parks or schools.

The blossoms of pumpkins and most winter squash are yellow and big, like a nice beach umbrella or a dude who stuffs his Speedo. Most plants produce more blossoms than squash, so you can pick loads of these to toss raw into salads, sauté, or stuff (GET IT?) and bake.

Fava bean make blooms as numerous as sunburnt German tourists on a Mediterranean beach [ed: zing!], but they’re much smaller and more exotic-looking.

I’ve already raved about borage on this blog: it’s an all-around winner, able to repel insects, provide humans with tasty nutrients, and produce attractive flowers and unique hairy foliage. Basically, if your garden is Baywatch, this is its David Hasselhoff.

Radishes grow to tower over most other crops when they’re blooming, spraying the sky with flowers like a bunch of pretty, colorful kites. Or hot air balloons. Or unicorns.

Yarrow is attractive in a quaint kind of way, like quilts and Vermont. Going with that theme, it’s one of the best flowers for dried arrangements (I totally just lost all of my remaining masculinity by typing that) and is delightful when added to salads and sauces.

Sunflowers need no introduction. They are so good-looking you won’t even know what to do with them, and their seeds are incredibly healthy and by far the easiest edible seed to grow and harvest.

And finally, the ultimate summer crush: look at those paper-thin creamy petals holding that cute fuzzy pistil. This thing is like a freakin’ orchid, except a little more common-looking, so you feel like you can identify with it more, right? But while you there wondering what the heck I’m talking about, this awesome flower already up and left. Yup, these cuties only last one day. What happens then? They turn into this slimy thing nobody really eats called okra that just gets thrown away or gummed by old folks at Hometown Buffet. I totally just summed up life, didn’t I?

OK, that’s it! Remember: You are what you eat, and if you’re eating plants like this, you’re one sexy bitch.

Please welcome back guest writer Ben Pearson. He loves to get (and give!) blow jobs.

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