Monsanto makes new onion from corn! »
Onion fans, have you ever thought, “Boy, I sure wish this onion didn’t taste like an onion”? Well move right the hell over, endless sea of genetically modified monster corn, because there’s a new crop on the block and it’s comin’ to a (Schnucks) grocer (in St. Louis) near you!
Malevolent dictator Monsanto is proud to introduce the EverMild, a feisty new breed of onion poised to take the world by storm. True to its EverGross name, the EverMildMagicOnion is a milder version of your average, shitty old onion.
“The EverMild was grown and selected to have a mild and sweet flavor,” Danielle Stuart, a spokesperson for Monsanto’s vegetable-seed business, told AOL food blog Slashfood. “They are very versatile, you can use them raw in salads, or roast or grill them. They’re grown domestically in the Pacific Northwest so they will be available in the winter months,” unlike the EverRegular sweet onion Vidalia, which siestas on the moon during winter.
Alarmingly, the EverMildMagicOnion was “developed using good old-fashioned traditional plant breeding techniques.” Is Monsanto selling out??
Fear not, readers; when asked (in an exclusive interview!) what else might be coming down the pipeline, a Monsanto spokesperson told this Vegansaurus contributor, “We’re currently working on an exciting new variety of apple with the texture of cardboard and the flavor of boiled gym socks. We’ve also had our eye on an upstart food science company that’s had great luck producing lettuce that tastes like french fries and corn that spontaneously turns itself into Mountain Dew. It’ll be a landmark year!”
Well, that’s a relief!
Kate lives in the hull of one of San Francisco’s buried sea-faring vessels. It’s dank and dusty down there but she doesn’t mind; she’s got her two cats and a library of science fiction novels to keep her warm. When she’s not worrying about lantern fires and whether Safeway is out of Boont, Kate enjoys obliterating zombies and making vegan nachos. You can find her on Flickr and Twitter.