vegansaurus!

03/16/2011

Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday!  »

So I was reading the Facebook this week (this is how my parents refer to websites, by the way. They put a “the” in front of everything and say adorable things like “Hey Mark, you need cheap plane tickets? Did you look on the Twitter? I hear this where good deals are!”) and my friend Stephanie had this amazing article about a baby deer that is wearing a fucking headscarf! Okay, first of all, check this out: The Deer was rescued by St. Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital, which I thought was a joke until I googled it. Is this not the best name for a hospital ever? Of course it is in the UK and is for animals so my insurance won’t cover it, but if I were an animal I would know I was in good hands with a hospital with a name like that! So this deer, right? Her name is “Bless Her Little Heart” and she lost both ears in a dog attack. Then the folks at Tiggywinkles rescued her and put her in this amazing (and on-trend) headwrap that makes her look like she is about to do something awesome, like star in a movie or release an album of heartfelt R&B covers. And then she fell in love! With another baby deer! His name is Max, and they are boyfriend and girlfriend and look fucking adorable together and should probably have their own Disney show about overcoming adversity and then lifting other people’s hearts by being a beautiful soul and then also having two personalities: “Bless Her Little Heart” when she’s not wearing the headwrap and “Hannah Deertana” when she is!

I have figured out a way for you guys to live through the zombie apocalypse (if it happens) and live forever (or to a reasonable age) if it doesn’t happen: vegetable soup! Don’t believe me? This one billionaire is extending his life and health by eating mostly vegetables. He’s even spent $500 million on a research institute that is working on proving his belief that eating HELLA PLANTS is the way to LIVE FOREVER. Here’s what his lunch looks like: “a six-fruit smoothie; a mixed-leaf salad with toasted walnuts, fennel and blood orange; a soup with more than eight vegetables and beans; a sliver of grilled Dover sole on a bed of baby carrots, broccoli and brown rice. ” The sole is disgarsting because you don’t need to be scarfing fish to be healthy, but the rest of it doesn’t sound so bad. What I also like about him is that he is all about making grandiose claims and then also being stern with people who don’t eat everything on their plates. That’s how I want to be when I’m old, all ornery and telling people what to do. Being a billionaire would be nice too, but they don’t pay you too much to fight off zombies with your vegetable-induced superpowers!

We are on a pretty happy roll here: zombie apocalypse averted, deer getting fashionable and finding love, SOUP! The problem is that I’ve been thinking about this marriage equality thing and I am really concerned right now. I used to think it was ridiculous when people were all “Dude, if gays marry then soon men will be marrying their horses and shit!” I would be all “No, that wouldn’t happen because horses can’t consent and also humans and horses are completely different species so that is a specious (GRE WORD!) argument.” And then I saw this and all of my own arguments just went out the window:

It’s a fucking raccoon carrying a cat over the threshold to their new house where they are going to start a whole new life together! What’s next, dogs and hamsters? Rabbits and pigeons? Where is it going to end? Look at that cat! It is all “I am nervous about my first time, but this is also true love so I think it is going to be OK!” and the raccoon is all “I have gone through so much garbage (literally) to find love and I am so excited to be starting my marriage in this beautiful home with its own fire extinguisher!” Actually, never mind: I’ve decided that any marriage this cute can’t be held back by hateful rhetoric and invective. I wonder where this couple is registered!

That’s it for me this week! Please send me links for next week and have an awesome Wednesday that doesn’t smell like burned beans because Allen doesn’t know when to take things off the stove so our whole house smells like I set fire to it again. Awesome!

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