vegansaurus!

04/11/2011

Natalie Portman, please stop talking about your diet!  »

Because I am an asshole who hates myself, I continue to follow the story of Natalie Portman’s ever-changing veganity. I mean, until today. Today I cry, “uncle!” You win, Portman. I just can’t care anymore. That is, AFTER THIS LITTLE BIT OF RANTY BUSINESS.

My tale of “is she or isn’t she?” woe started a couple years ago, and was finally brought to resolution when she announced on HuffPo that she was FOR SURE 100 percent VEGAN. But all good things must come to an end, and so in January Vogue* Portman was all, “I’m vegan when dining out and vegetarian at home!” (Because that makes sense!) AND THEN, she apparently cooked her fiance a whole dead chicken or something (this was allegedly in People magazine, but I never saw it and can’t find anything on the internet because I don’t really feel like trying today) and NOW THIS.

Her pregnant body spoke to her (it’s a miracle!) and was all, “Eat eggs and helllllllla cookies!” and she was all, “OK, body!” It’s especially obnoxious because there are a million places to get vegan cookies in Los Angeles. Maybe she just needed to holler at quarrygirl? She’d hook her up with a million vegan cookies, and they’d be the best motherflipping cookies ever! I can’t speak to the egg thing because they gross me out, but unless she’s cracking them open and sucking them down raw, there are good vegan subs for pretty much every eggy thing you could desire. From tofu scrambles to custards, vegan chefs got your back! As far as resources for a healthy vegan pregnancy, there are about a billion and you know if ANYONE can access them, it’s Natalie “I HAVE ALL THE RESOURCES” Portman!

Aside from thinking her reasoning is bullshit, I just kinda wish she’d shut the fuck up about it. It’s like, I don’t really give a shit if Natalie Portman eats bloody steaks 24/7, I just don’t want her to broadcast it to the world. Obviously people look up to and emulate her because she’s famous and that’s how our shit culture works, and if the egregious abuse and murder of animals used for food upsets her to the extent she claims it does, why talk about anything but veganism when speaking publicly? Or if that’s not an option: JUST SAY NOTHING.

I get it, she needs some fucking cookies and vegan cookies are slightly harder to find than ones made with eggs, so she’s eating egg cookies. I say, eat all of the egg cookies, Natalie Portman. In fact, I think you’d look amazing as a fellow fatty, BUT PLEASE JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. People look up to you; help educate them about the atrocity of animal agriculture instead of your own fluctuating diet. Use your platform for good. I know you get it and you care, and you have the opportunity to inform millions on how fucked it all is. I know it’s not right and it’s not fair and you didn’t ask for this responsibility, but you have a huge platform and it’s gross to me if you use it for anything but talking about how disgusting and disturbing slaughterhouses and factory farms are and how amazing vegan food is. And if you can’t do that, the least you could do is not talk about it at all.

*OMG, that whole article is soooooo amaaaazing and hilarious. One of her friends basically says that everyone is born with the face they deserve, and that’s why Portman is so beautiful! Um, yes, those kids born with cleft palettes are obviously total assholes. SO AMAZING.

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