Review: Café Gratitude!  »

Café Gratitude is vegan, it’s raw, it’s fucking cheesy and you have to say shit like, “I am eternally blessed with happiness and vibrancy and the richness of my cup overfloweth with bounty.” But I say, go with it. In fact, fucking embrace it. Be all, “I’m a white-hot mess of insanity and I love every crazy-ass minute in this bizarre land of happy, privileged white folks with dreads and LA LA LA I’m a centaur and you are my forest nymphs and we will drop acid and eat at Café Gratitude and be totally 100 percent out of it and contented smile love peace rainbows of happiness!” DO IT TO IT! Own the crazytown that is this place and you will fucking love it. Because the food is GOOD and it’s so clean and healthy that you won’t feel like total crap afterward.

The shakes (the “I am eternally blessed” coffee shake is the best thing I’ve ever had EVER) and desserts (you must get the key lime pie! UGH SO GOOD!) are RIDICULOUS. I mean, they are in a league of their own; I’ve never had something so rich, creamy or delicious, and this goes for before I was vegan too. Instead of going into Café Gratitude with a skeptic’s eye, I say, come in here with your bed-head ratty hair, a skirt worn over pants (Laura’s ultimate fashion no-no but if you’re gonna do it, there will be no half-assing it. This goes for men too: skirts are not just for women at Café Gratitude), and if you have them, stilts. Hippies love stilts for some reason. Clown makeup is optional but encouraged. If you can let yourself completely go with the hippie-dippy shit, you will really have a great time, eating surprisingly yummy food and possibly “enjoying” group sex with some of the staff/communal-table-sharers. After all, these are hippies, and if there is one thing that hippies like better than not showering, it’s group sex (bonus points if it’s in a co-op’s hot tub) (I’m gonna throw up).

N.B.: Don’t take your uptight parents here. Especially if they’re already annoyed that you’re vegan and think all vegans are freaky weirdos. It will not go well, trust me.  Uptight parents and hippie love gods who share tables and conversations and tell each other that they are beautiful magical fairies worthy of love and happiness DO NOT MIX. My dad does not believe that you are worthy of love and/or happiness. He does not acknowledge your specialness and in fact, probably hates you for thinking you’re special. Also, he thinks you have an odor containment issue (which you do).

[mural photo by Naked Jen; key lime pie photo by mswine]

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