Review: Herbivore (the restaurant)!   »

This morning I was not working and instead G-Chatting (I call this, “doing how I do”) with my very handsome and extremely talented and sometimes grumpy boyfriend about what restaurant I should blog about next. He suggested I just get Herbivore out of the way. That feels like an appropriate way to put it. Blogging about this Bay Area vegan restaurant institution (three locations now!) is something that is necessary but not super-exciting. Kinda like eating there. GO FIGURE.

OK, here’s the deal with Herbivore. It’s all-vegan and they serve from 9 a.m. to 10 p.m. every day, so you can count on them for breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, and dessert. In a city where most restaurants are open for about two hours a day and closed for one of those hours, that’s a pretty novel thing. The food for the most part is serviceable and sometimes even good, just don’t order anything too complicated. Stick to the tofu and seitan sandwiches (even the shawarma wrap is good, especially the fairly new chicken shawarma wrap—probably the best thing on the menu) and you’ll be just fine. It’s the people who branch out, expecting more from the menu, who get screwed. Fools. IMHO (recently learned that this meant, “In My Humble Opinion, Asshole!”), if you order pad Thai at Herbivore, you’re stupid and deserve a subpar meal. You’re not in Duluth anymore! What? Is your name Billy Bob Ray Jack and do you and your girlfriend-sister and her three teeth work at The Feed Bag in Deer Gulch Junction? If you want Thai food, go to one of the 100 awesome Thai restaurants within a block of wherever you are in SF, you hillbilly dum dum!* My rule of thumb is if it sounds even SLIGHTLY “ethnic” (except for Mediterranean. Actually, scratch that, the falafel is crap), stay away from it. As for everything else, it’s not super-SUPER-great and there is WAY better vegan food out there,** but it sure is nice to have a place that’s all-vegan, and to know that none of your money is going to buy dead animals or tortured-animal by-products. Oh! If you go for breakfast, get the banana bread! It is toasted and served with Earth Balance! Deeeelicious! And for dessert, don’t miss Maggie Mudd ice cream and any of the shakes (which are TOTALLY different than their warm, gross-out smoothies, STAY AWAY FROM THOSE)!

*I don’t know, I just really hate hillbillies. It’s almost unnatural, I don’t even know why. It’s not like a hillbilly killed my mom or anything BUT MAN IF ONE DID I WOULD BE SO MAD!!!***
**Interestingly enough, it seems omnivores enjoy Herbivore better than we veggies do. I think it’s because they think vegan food is usually tree topped with dirt sauce so they’re pleasantly surprised when their meal doesn’t taste like patchouli-scented armpit hair.
***Clearly, no idea what I’m talking about at this point or if this even works, grammatically.

[photo via yelp]

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