Review: Bi-Rite Creamery! »
Bi-Rite Creamery is so fucking good that I ate here twice the other day. I got one scoop of delicious raspberry soy cream—they always have one and sometimes two flavors of soy cream, in addition to a few sorbets and AMAZING popsicles in flavors such as pineapple mint and satsuma tangerine—and ate it on my walk home, got home, took off my pants (don’t ask), was like, “Fuck it. I’ve had a long, hard week of overindulging in food and drink to the point of adult-onset diabetes so clearly I deserve a TREAT!” and then got right back on the road again. I wanted this shit so badly that I walked all the way down the hill on Church Street (OK??) in the rain without an umbrella. It’s not that I don’t have an umbrella. I have many, in fact. It’s just that I am hardcore, you see. UMBRELLAS ARE FOR THE WEAK AND THE SMART!
Anyway, I get there and the Bi-Rite dude is all, “What’s up, vegan girl!” and I’m like, “You know how we do! Holla!” and then he’s basically like, “For real?” and I’m like, “FOR REAL,” all dead serious with the look of the kill in my eyes. I get my second scoop of the day. And also a soda pop. And perhaps also a third scoop whatever fuck you for judging me like you haven’t slept with someone you aren’t proud of!!
Anyway, after three scoops of pluot sorbet and chocolate soy cream, I head back up the hill on Church street. Now, for folks who aren’t familiar with this peak, let me paint you a picture. It’s called Everest. Look it up and then imagine a beast 10 times worse and covered in the stench of dog and human piss and also, men to your left having sex in the bushes off of Dolores Park (hot!). Do you know what it’s like to hike back up that cliff with nothing to shield you from the harsh winter elements? I was like the motherfucking kids in Alive, setting up base camp and then threatening to cut and/or eat fellow pedestrians. I am lucky to be here today. I was smart to carbo-load at Bi-Rite before scaling that thing. Can you imagine the internet without me? You’re like, “Yes bitch, leave.” and I’m all, “I’m not going anywhere, sucka!”