Why vegans are DOMINATING  »

With the news of Jessica Simpson becoming vegan [Ed.: lolz!], I want to remind all the vegans out there why we still win in this crazy competition called life.

To begin: Cesar mother-fucking Chavez. BOOYAH! It makes a million dollars worth of sense to me that Chavez, activist for immigrant labor rights, was vegan, as the meat industry is notorious for abusing immigrant labor.

Chavez strikes a blow to that tired old bullsheezy that veganism is for rich white people. Every time I hear this, I’m like STFU because the first vegans I ever met were Black Panthers. Again I say, BOOYAH.

Next, Ellen Degeneres! If you don’t like Ellen, you’re totally crazy and most definitely have a heart made of cold hard steel. Ellen is the greatest. Remember when they told her her career would end if she came out? SHUT UP stupid jerks! Ellen came out and she’s taking over the world. If Oprah is the queen, Ellen is the princess and she’s gunning for that throne. Plus, her wifey is hot as all get out.

Are you ready for my next entry? Leonardo da Vinci! I KNOW, RIGHT? OK, oK, scholars are only sure he was vegetarian but I’m inferring that he didn’t eat milk or eggs because of this:

da Vinci even entertained the notion that taking milk from cows amounts to stealing. Under the heading, “Of the beasts from whom cheese is made,” he answers, “the milk will be taken from the tiny children.”

Now maybe I’m wrong but if history is any indication, I’M ALWAYS RIGHT. And you can’t get better than da Vinci; we could totally beat the non-vegans with him alone! He’s THE MAN.

On to a modern-day superstar: Russell Simmons! Besides pioneering rap, the most popular music everrrr, did you watch him on the Rev. Run show? He’s SO COOL! Always giving kids good advice and stuff. Plus, another blow to the white vegan stereotype. I would totally marry him if he weren’t so into meditation. Meditation makes me want to stab my eyes out with a broach. Which is to say, it’s kind of boring.

This one totally seals the deal, like no question we’re DOMINATING: Prince! I knowwww, we rule! Prince. PRINCE! I can’t take it. And don’t hate, “Diamonds and Pearls” is my fucking jam.

Now for the king of all things indie: Jason Schwartzman! I’ve been somewhat obsessed with him since Rushmore. He’s so great! Remember that part, “O R they” bwahahaha! Seriously, I love this guy. One day we’ll meet and he’ll immediately see that we’re perfect for each other. I WOULDN’T MAKE UP A THING LIKE THAT!

Next: Daryl Hannah! Star of Splash, the best movie ever made! She’s also in 8 mile. Case closed! [Update! Daryl Hannah was not in 8 mile, it was Kim Basinger. Sorry I’m on crack all the time! Just kidding, I’m not sorry. Thanks for the correction Ready4uu78!]

Last but most hot, Joaquin damn-I’d-tap-that Phoenix! Jeez louise he’s the HOTNESS. I don’t even care about his insane “rap” “career,” I’d bang him, beard and all. I hear he’s also an actor—kudos!

That is all for today, but that’s more than enough to prove we’re winning. I’m totally expecting there to be lots of “she/he’s not vegan!” comments and that’s OK, because the more you know, the more you grow.

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