vegansaurus!

03/16/2009

Other Avenues! Also, FAT PEOPLE RULE!  »

Other Avenues co-op grocery is second only to Rainbow and that’s just because Rainbow is a lot bigger and a lot less in the middle of fucking nowhere. Other Avenues is an all-vegetarian (yay!), all-organic (yay!) grocery store in the Outer Sunset. It’s a pain the ass to get to but if you happen to be out near Ocean Beach soaking in the rays (read: getting high) then you should definitely stop in. Highlights include: Maggie Mudd soy & coconut ice creams by the pint, Black China Bakery brownies and cupcakes (and lots of other vegan baked goods) and an intense bulk foods section including lots of varieties of chocolate-covered nuts. Delicious.

Man, if left to my own devices, I would eat directly from a trough of dark-chocolate-covered almonds until I died. Which brings me to my next point. Here at Vegansaurus, we (read: Laura) are (read: is) proud to be fat and awesome. I’m tired of reading that an answer to a mean case of the fats is simply to go vegan. I’ve been vegan for years and years and didn’t lose any weight and I’m not a total junk food vegan either. I also have insanely good blood work and am in great health, you can ask my doctor who was on my case for being vegan until he saw my test results. We’re all born with a pretty much pre-determined weight (or range of weights, fluctuating between like 10-20 pounds) that we live comfortably at. For a few of us it’s 100 and for a few of us it’s 300 and for most of us, it’s somewhere in between. And THAT’S OKAY. As long as you’re eating in accordance with what feels right to your body (being vegan helps with that A LOT) then you’ll probably be pretty damn healthy. This book, Rethinking Thin, helped me come to terms with this fact. It’s written by a SCIENTIST with FACTS, not a skinny bitch with, ummm….

So for people who are looking at veganism as a get-thin-quick scheme, that might not be what happens. You’ll find your cholesterol will go down and your blood pressure will thank you and you’ll most likely be able to control your diabetes without medication and get serious relief from other health issues. Oh and you’re also doing the right thing for the planet and animals and other humans but no, you will not drop five dress sizes in two minutes. And you shouldn’t do that anyway. Because people who diet themselves super-skinny look FUH-REAKY (in other news, BOW DOWN to LFB. Love that crazy anorexic psychopath!) and you’re probably already super-hot and don’t need to lose those last 10 pounds. They’re on your ass for a reason, so that people will want to have sex with you, moron.

And let’s face it, fat people are simply the greatest. We RULE both in size and in general fabulousness. Move over skinnies, we’re comin to getcha! And by getcha, I mean eatcha.

I wrote this list, “Things About Fat People That Skinny People Don’t Know!” (along with two fabulous friends, Joy & Erica) years ago because we wanted to get out some facts about fat people. I now must post this list wherever I write because that’s how I do AND YOU CANNOT STOP ME, SKINNY.

And with that, I present:
Things About Fat People That Skinny People Don’t Know. A list.

  1. FAT PEOPLE CAN BREAKDANCE HELLA GOOD. You don’t know because we only do it around other fat people, but you have not lived ‘til you’ve been to a fat dance party!
  2. FAT PEOPLE ARE INDESTRUCTIBLE. The fat, in essence, acts as padding. We’re keeping it secret for right now, but someday we’re going to rise up, unite, and put you Skinny Bitches in your place in a conflict that we have titled Fat War One, or World War Fat (the exact name is yet to be determined).
  3. FAT PEOPLE CAN LEVITATE. Just cause we’re heavy doesn’t mean we can’t float. Ever notice how you never see fat people taking the elevator?
  4. FAT PEOPLE CAUSE HURRICANES. We all get together and run in a clockwise direction, then in a counter-clockwise direction.
  5. OUR NATIONAL FLOWER: The Cake.
  6. OUR NATIONAL BIRD: Fried Chicken. Vegan, of course.
  7. DO NOT CHALLENGE A FAT PERSON. Especially DO NOT CHALLENGE a fat person if there is a candy prize involved.
  8. FAT PEOPLE DON’T CRAP! All the materials you Skinnies waste as feces, we efficiently recycle as lard.
  9. FAT PEOPLE ARE FASTER THAN CHEETAHS.
  10. FAT PEOPLE DON’T WEAR SHOES. We just spray paint our feet so we can get into restaurants.
  11. ALL FAT PEOPLE ARE ALCOHOLICS. But not in a bad way.
  12. FAT PEOPLE DON’T SLEEP IN BEDS. We sleep on huge sticks of Earth Balance.
  13. FAT PEOPLE NEVER ACTUALLY EAT. It’s a common misconception.
  14. MAHATMA GHANDI WEIGHED 600 POUNDS. We know, we were there. Which brings us to our next point…
  15. FAT PEOPLE LIVE FOREVER.
  16. FAT WOMEN HATE THE UBIQUITOUS “CHUBBY CHASER.” He is a harasser, and always at least two feet shorter than she is.
  17. FAT PEOPLE LOVE BABIES. Especially deep fried.
  18. OUR FAVORITE SKINNY PERSON IS: Fuck you, we don’t like any skinny people.
  19. MAKE NO MISTAKE: Hitler was never fat.
  20. FAT PEOPLE OFTEN WONDER IF PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE THEM OR IF THEY ONLY LOVE THEM FOR THEIR FAT.
  21. FAT PEOPLE DON’T PROCREATE, THEY DIVIDE. We do however have a lot of sex…for pleasure and sport.
  22. THE INTERNATIONAL FAT CONFERENCE IS HELD ON JANUARY 26 OF EACH YEAR. It’s held in the sky…we all levitate up really high…I mean where else would we fit? We decide the events of the upcoming year, such as whether you Skinnies get Christmas (Don’t forget Santa is a very fat man).
  23. SOME OF THE ONLY THINGS FAT PEOPLE HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH:
    1. Fix the Oscars (Why do you think Gwyneth Paltrow won?)
    2. Telekinesis (So we don’t have to move. Ever.)
    3. Time travel.
    4. Infiltrate Hollywood…at all.
  24. FRANCE WAS ONCE A FATOPOLIS BUT IT WAS EXCOMMUNICATED IN THE MID-19TH CENTURY AND THUS THEY ARE ALLOWED NO FAT PEOPLE. (The Statue Of Liberty: way too skinny.)
  25. FAT PEOPLE TAKE BATHS IN WASHING MACHINES!
  26. A LIST OF THINGS INVENTED BY FAT PEOPLE:
    1. Water
    2. The 12-month calendar.
    3. The telegraph (Samuel P. Morse was freaking enormous)
    4. The Spanish language.
    5. Van Gogh.
    6. Hammer Pants (I know…even we make mistakes.)
    7. The popular situation comedy “Who’s the Boss?” (Tony Danza is a skinny android created by the Fat Nation.)
    8. We wrote the song “Respect” in 1692 but it didn’t get made for 350 years because of Skinny Politics (they are skinny, but they are strong).
  27. 27. ALL FAT PEOPLE ARE FUNNY. It’s simple genetics.
  28. LITTLE FAT KIDS LEARN TO READ EARLIER THAN LITTLE SKINNY KIDS. And it’s not just because they have no friends so they have to sit at home and read all the time.
  29. BARRY WHITE: fat.
  30. PUPPIES: fat by their very nature. And who doesn’t love puppies?
  31. WE OWN ALASKA, TEXAS, CALIFORNIA, AND THREE OF THE FOUR OCEANS.
  32. OUR CAPITAL IS FATOPOLIS AND IS LOCATED SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT. (We can’t give everything away.)
  33. FAT PEOPLE CAN RUN HELLA FAST. You just can’t see us because it is SO fast. And if you see a fat person walking really slow, it’s just because they are trying really hard to walk at a normal pace.
  34. JESUS: THE FATTEST MAN TO EVER WALK THE EARTH. The crucifixion story as you know it is not exactly what happened. It was actually attempted twice because the cross broke the first time.
  35. FAT PEOPLE LOVE TO FAN DANCE. It is unfortunately the only thing we do not do well.
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