vegansaurus!

09/23/2010

Lady Gaga, your meat clothes make me sick!  »

God, if that horrible Lady Gaga monstrosity wasn’t enough, now designers are sending meat dresses down the runway at Fashion Week. Jeremy Scott (who is this person? I just looked up his designs and they are HORRIBLE. I’m not going to link, though, because I don’t want to give him more publicity than I already am by writing this) got a standing ovation after he showed a skirt/bikini/godawful mess that looked like prosciutto. I don’t know what worse, the fact that is is so ugly or the fact that the New York Daily News says, “Unlike Gaga’s dress it only appeared edible,” implying that Lady GagME’s dress was made of REAL MEAT.

OH MY GOD! Her dress was real meat. How are you gonna do us like that, Lady Gaga? How are you going to talk about the rights of others and how we all deserve them as you are standing there wearing a dress made of animals who not only have no rights but lost their lives to cover your genitals as you stand there talking about love and equality? Where is your SELF-AWARENESS? and where was it when your designer was stitching 25 pounds of dead flesh to make you a garment? That sounds like a scene from some horrible fairytale.

And then she’s all about not meaning any disrespect to vegans or vegetarians—IN WHAT WAY? How do you “mean no disrespect” when you are wearing a piece of dead cow on your head? Oh, wait…I get it! You said you’re “the most judgment-free” human being, so it must be true. First: impossible. Second: so you’ve mastered the art of making grand statements about yourself with only a modicum of basis in fact; OK. Third: we don’t care if you’re judging us. THAT IS NOT THE POINT. The point is that you are making a statement that makes absolutely no sense and didn’t even register until YOU EXPLAINED IT and EVEN THEN, WHAT? Plus, meat fashion isn’t even original. The Kermit dress was better, as far as statements about cruelty go.

You’re making this really hard on me, Stefani Joanne! How am I supposed to continue defending “Bad Romance” and “Paparazzi” to haters when my own reaction to this meat-dress debacle is to scream “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” through a motherfucking bullhorn?

I can almost understand people who eat meat but don’t wear fur (LOOKING AT YOU, Bethenny “Any excuse to get naked” Frankel), but the amount of cognitive dissonance that must be taking place when one says "I hate fur. And I don’t wear fur", poses on the cover of a magazine in a MEAT BIKINI, and then wears a full-on MEAT DRESS to an awards show is scary. I do not understand how wearing an entire ensemble made out of raw beef is different than wearing fur. How does that even make sense? What, you’re using the entire animal? What, you’re using it to make a statement? Sorry, I can’t hear you over your rampant, Kelly Killoren Bensimon-levels of hypocrisy.

09/22/2010

Hello friends, it’s WTF Wednesday!  »

Hello and welcome to “WTF Wednesdays,” an exciting new Vegansaurus feature. Notice that I did not spell out the F word because I want this post to be classy and family-friendly. Kind of like Hooters, but without the chicken wings. Or the girls in tight-fitting uniforms. Or the deep-fried pickles, which are, admittedly, the best part of the Hooters experience. Here is how you can make them! See, we are learning already!

Now, let’s jump right into the fuckery (oops!) going on this week!
First up, we have a bear who got killed for being a bear. The Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks (FWP) officials said that the black bear and her cubs were “causing trouble,” so they “euthanized” her for committing her “third offense.” Oh, OK. I didn’t know you could communicate with bears, Montana FWP. I’m sure this was a difficult decision for you and I’m also sure that you read the bear her fucking rights after arresting her for her last offense, in which she TURNED OVER SOME GARBAGE CANS with her cubs. The bears had already been caught once during the summer and relocated to another part of Montana, but surprise, they returned to their home in the Helena Valley. An FWP game warden in Helena is curious how the bears found their way home and suggests that they “have some kind of homing device.” NO SHIT, idiot. I know where I live, too. And I bet if you were kidnapped for doing what you do, taken to a different part of the state, and let out into the wild, you would find your way back to your home, too. How are animals different? Because they can’t talk? What is wrong with you?

Even worse, the article reports that “residents…know to keep their garbage cans and pet food indoors,” because the bears are around. That’s right; bears scavenge from garbage cans sometimes. Sometimes they kill chickens, too. You people were told to keep your shit inside, but because you chose not to be responsible for your garbage, a mother bear was murdered—so now you’re responsible for the death of one bear, and the lives of her two orphaned cubs.

OK, what’s next? It’s a woman who shot an alligator. Oh, but it’s not just any alligator. It is her first alligator! It weighed 1,025 pounds! And killing it was apparently “the hunt of a lifetime!” Congratulations on being a horrible person, Maryellen Mara-Christion of Fitchburg, Mass.! Did you guys know that it is illegal to shoot a free-swimming alligator in South Carolina, where Maryellen killed this one? For a second, I thought this woman would get into trouble, but no, it’s legal to shoot an alligator once you have used “large snatch-hooks” to prevent it from swimming. Then you can shoot the alligator with a gun, or harpoon—hunter’s choice!

Unfortunately, Maryellen’s gun was not of sufficient strength to kill the alligator which, after two hours, she had hooked to the side of her boat, so when she discovered that shooting the alligator wasn’t going to finish it, Maryellen decided to attack the problem more directly, BY PLUNGING A KNIFE INTO THE ALLIGATOR AND SEVERING ITS SPINE! Charming! Equally charming is Maryellen’s description of the killing: “It was just shake, shake, shake,” she said. “I was shaking for a long time after, but that happens when you hunt.”

Maryellen says that each animal she hunts is a “unique experience” and that she is not “afraid of the alligators.” Seriously? YOU HAVE GUNS AND HARPOONS! What about an alligator is frightening to you and your arsenal? Oh, and you’ve hunted black bear before, too, have you? AWESOME! Maybe you got the chance to orphan some cubs, just like the Montana FWP!

So that’s all for this week. I am hoping to make “WTF Wednesday” a weekly thing, and I hope you will help me! If you happen to come across something amazing/fucked-up/dramatic that pertains to vegans, vegetarians, adorable animals, animals singing, or anything else that is SUPER-AWESOME during your travels on the information super-highway, please send me a link at my brand-new email address, mark@vegansaurus.com. If sending me an email is too much commitment (I know, we’ve only just met! But I’ve never felt this way about anyone else!), please link things in the comments!

Have a great Hump Day!

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