How badly do we all need this scarf? That scarf is turning me into a crazy cat lady. Seriously, this morning I couldn’t give two shits about cats*. Now? Gonna adopt all of them and get them each their own crazy cat scarf so we can form a crazy cat lady and cat army and basically just lounge our dirty asses on all your clean clothes and plot your grizzly death. Lez do this, cats.
*Except for the fact that they are MAGICAL LITTLE TIGERS WHO WALK AMONGST US.
All you chumps love owls and chocolate, right? Well, I’m about to blow your mind by throwing toffee into the mix and then putting that shit on a stick. BEHOLD THE MAGIC OF ETSY.
You can buy these Vegan Bacon Guinness Salted Caramels on Etsy! And before anyone freaks, it’s the vegan type of Guinness! That’s bacon and beer in a caramel. EAT IT, OMNIVORE BITCHES. No, I mean, really, eat it. It’s delicious.
OCD Sweets Caramels: EAT THESE IMMEDIATELY »
I already freaked out about OCD Sweets caramels before I even tried them. That’s just how I roll, I’m enthusiastic. Also: VEGAN CARAMELS. They’re few and far between, so when a new product enters the market, my body starts to simulate what I can only assume is a stroke. My heart starts to race, I break out in a cold sweat, and I get a little shaky. Imagine two really attractive people started making out in front of you (feel free to use the mental image of me and Gael García Bernal. Or me and me)—you know that kind of flustered excitement? That’s me when I hear about vegan caramels. I wish that were a joke or an exaggeration but I yam what I yam. And what I yam is a fat-ass vegan with hard-on for caramel.
I finally tried them. Holy. Shit. SOFUCKINGOOD*!&&^*&^*!^%@&^!%!!!!! I got my hot little hands on a massive quantity of the good stuff* and I was honestly blown away. These caramels are unlike anything I’ve ever tried. Sweet, smooth, creamy, and divine, with flavor combos that sound insane and taste amazing! I loved everything I tried, but I’d have to say my favorites were:
1) The Hoppy Vegan. It has BEER and PRETZELS in it and it’s SO G-D GOOD. I could just eat these and nothing else for days. Sure, I’d be urinating shit and crapping piss, but it’d be worth it. Annnnnnd, I’m really really sorry, I have no clue why I’m so gross today. I think I’m PMS-ing. CHOCOLATE! SHOPPING! ACK!
2. The Vegan Rosalia. Tangerine, dark chocolate, and roses. Seriously. It’s insane. I’d eat these until all my teeth fell out and had to be replaced. WITH SHARK’S TEETH.**
3. VEGAN BOOTY. It’s vegan toffee, y’all! From the site (which is adorable and the descriptions are so clever and perfect): “coconut butter toffee with toasted coconut inside, outside and all around, dark chocolate and shiver me timbers peel from a fresh picked orange.” UGH SO G-D GOOD.
Those are just a few of my favorites. Honestly, it’s hard to pick, so go with whatever sounds interesting to you. You won’t be disappointed!
Not only that, OCD SWEETS RECENTLY WENT ENTIRELY VEGAN! Yes, all of their products are totally vegan, and totally amazing. We need to buy up all their products to show them how much vegans appreciate their radness and their deliciousness. I just…I could not love them more. I love them so much that I’m thinking of driving to Other Avenues in the sleet and hail to get a fix. That’s saying something for me, as I don’t like to the leave the house if there’s even a slight inconvenience. This is me: “It’s 75 degrees out? Isn’t that a little hot to leave the house? I’m not Jamaican!” Or, “It’s 68 degrees out? Isn’t that a little cold to leave the house? I’m not Alaskan!” Or, “These pants are too heavy to lift, I don’t think I can leave the house today.” I’ve got a million of those! My skin is becoming see-through due to lack of sun and I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten how to walk. Psych! I can walk to the fridge!
The point is, I don’t do much, and I’d do a lot for those caramels. If you can, go get ‘em at Other Avenues (and check their Facebook page for hopefully updated locations! or just fan them because they’re rad!). Or if you can’t get there (I feel you), go order ‘em and have a giant batch of delicious vegan caramel goodness delivered to your face. They might seem expensive, and that’s because they are, but you get a huge amount for the price. Enough caramel to serve as multiple desserts, and I can EAT. I just can’t say enough good about this company, the fantastic woman behind it, the delicious product, and yeah, it’s the best. Get up on this!
*One of the few perks of being a blogger. That, and a fat ass. And a gnawing sense of regret about the things you should be doing with your life. Also, carpal tunnel.
**Natural death, of course. Hopefully while battling a giant squid and a T. rex.
Attention rich vegans: Maggie Mudd IS FOR SALE! »
Yo! Do you have mad cash and love ice cream? Buy Maggie Mudd! And turn it all vegan! DO IT! I don’t have many more details than that but if you are interested in knowing more, email Michael Juarez, the current owner. A vegan HAD to buy it, because what if some asshole buys it and takes away all our ice cream!? I’ll cry 1 million rivers/set this town on fire!!
Until then, let’s all stare at this picture of this crazy-ass iPhone cake that Maggie Mudd made for our Megan Allison’s birthday like 50 years ago. Like sand through the hourglass: these are the days of my life PASSING ME BY OMG I’M SO OLD.
These hella fresh vegan bags are $93 & 30% off when you use the code, “LUCKYBREAKS12” or wait, it might be luckybreak12 (no “s”). Or 15, not 12. One of those. Fancy Nancy reported this breaking news straight from the streets so get on it before they’re all gone. Actually, I have no clue if there are a limited amount, probably not. But it is cute, buy me one? PLEASE?