vegansaurus!

04/01/2011

Confronting Compassion Fatigue workshop at UC Berkeley!  »

This Sunday at U.C. Berkeley, I’m going to be speaking with a couple other folks about not being depressed and carrying on in a world that’s filled with terrible shit. It’ll be fun, I promise, and there will be free vegan food and drinks. And I’ll tell you some secrets! Fun! If you need to jump start your activism, want to find creative new ways to help animals and humans, or just be surrounded by like-minded people for a little, this is for you!

Here’s the Facebook page with more details, and in case you’re too awesome for Facebook, here’s the info:

Sunday, Apr. 3, from 5:30 to 7:30 p.m.
126 Barrows Hall, UC Berkeley 

I guess that’s it! Oh, it’s free to students and $10 for non-students, and all the money goes to the wonderful Harvest Home Sanctuary. Love them, they’re the best.

See your compassionate asses there!

03/09/2011

Harvest Home Sanctuary’s vegan dessert party is THIS FRIDAY!  »

This is a reminder! This Friday, Mar. 11, is the vegan dessert party for Harvest Home Sanctuary! Y’all better be there to eat many delicious vegan desserts and party with the excellent people from Harvest Home Sanctuary. It’s just $20 for all the vegan desserts you can eat and all the money goes to an amazing cause!

RSVP here (or if you don’t have Facebook*, email them!) and read the last post for more details and put it on your calendar and get ready to EAT and meet other rad vegans making it happen and doing it to it and all that. Yes.

[Vegan Tiramisu from Norwichnuts of Vegan Feast!]

*good job, you’re awesome! 

03/01/2011

Harvest Home and Vegansaurus dessert party! You’re coming!  »

This is a reminder! Next Friday, Mar. 11 is the vegan dessert party for Harvest Home Sanctuary! Y’all better be there to eat many delicious vegan desserts and party with the excellent people from Harvest Home Sanctuary

RSVP here and read the last post for more details and put it on your calendar and get ready to EAT and meet other rad vegans making it happen and doing it to it and all that. Yes.

[adorable owl cupcake via *sfw*]

01/28/2011

It’s Friday afternoon, which means time for this week’s link-o-rama!  »

Welcome to the very first Link-o-Rama of 2011! To celebrate, here’s a photo of our Megan Rascal’s perfect little princess Mitsy, featured last week on fuckyeahfelines, for obvious reasons.

And now, on to business! Let’s start with adorable animal stories to warm your heart on this chilly January day. Here is a very sweet video/memorial to recently deceased Taj, the elephant artist. Everything about it is beautiful, and here is a tissue, crybaby. This memorial to Paul the “psychic” octopus is a six-foot-high plastic statue and frankly, a mite garish, but “public demand from around the world” was so great, his aquarium had to do something, right? Totally.

Mind the whiplash as we move onto animal abuse! Out in Rancho Cordova (it’s like Sacramento), Calif., 50 bunnies were rescued from an illegal breeding operation run from “a recently condemned home,” which, sweet lord, those poor little rabbits. Our pals at Harvest Home Animal Sanctuary is now working to get them all adopted, which you can do through the Sacramento SPCA. Conveniently, Harvest Home is holding a Sanctuary Rabbit Spa Day tomorrow, Saturday, Jan. 29 from 1 to 4 p.m. Go meet some buns, see how great they are, and help out a really good organization. Next let’s go to China and shut down this “farm” for swallows to make the nests that are eaten in bird’s nest soup; it looks like the missing link between an extra-horrendous Soviet-era apartment building and actual prison, and it is full of nesting birds. What happens to the “swiftlets,” a.k.a. the wee swallows for which the nests are ostensible homes? Mystery! Just like what happens inside those creepy cement walls. We know that Sweden is all about hunting wolves again this year—last year the government OKed the murder of 27, this year it’s 20. Wolves “are kept out” of the northern part of the country to prevent them eating up all the reindeer—whatever “ke[eping] out” entails—but this has led to pack isolation and inbreeding, the solution to which is clearly, obviously shooting some of them dead. Of course! Everyone is so smart.

Do they eat the wolves? We know love people love eating animals! Too bad a major report from the British government this week basically said, Meat production is totally unsustainable. Lions specifically got lucky this week, as another “let’s eat lion!” dude from Arizona (seriously what is it with that state?) bowed to public pressure and took the lion meat tacos off his menu. Now what will bored omnivores eat for thrills? GOD you’re a bunch of assholes. You’re also being completely fooled by food companies, whose claims of “health” and “structure/fuction” are poorly regulated by the Food and Drug Administration, because why wouldn’t they say anything to get you to buy their products? McDonald’s shows off its “all-natural ingredients” in its gross-ass “food” with realistic images of everything except the dead animals, which are presented as figurines. Maybe because no one who wants to eat chicken also wants to see what a dead fucking chicken looks like! On the positive side, Sodexo has chosen to participate in Meatless Mondays! Sodexo is a massive “food services provider,” this is kind of a huge and wonderful deal.

Now it’s been scientifically proven that eating more produce makes you objectively better-looking (Vegansaurus is staffed by very attractive geniuses, exclusively), maybe you non-vegans want to involve yourselves with us hot vegetable-eating bitches. If so, Laura wrote you a way better date-a-vegan guide than this nonsense from Grist, but we all know Laura is the cleverest, as evidenced by this week’s Three Vegan Dishes Worth (Temporarily) Ditching Meat and Dairy For, and The Week in Vegan. Like I said, very attractive geniuses.

Don’t forget to protest the dog show this weekend! Afterward—as in, beginning Monday and throughout the month of February—the SF SPCA is offering residents free spay/neutering services! Yeah, FREE. So you with the “intact” dog, do the world a favor and fix him/her, lest you burden the world with even more puppies it doesn’t need. WE HAVE ENOUGH PUPPIES.

[Thanks to reader Rosie for the story about bird’s nest farms! We love tips!]

12/21/2010

GIVE! Vegansaurus’ favorite charitable organizations  »

Your Vegansaurus loves giving! Especially with the internet, it is as easy to give money to an organization doing awesome work that you can’t do as it is to buy a bunch of hot-stuff underpants (for example. Nothing’s on my mind!), and really, do you need fancy new things more than people need to learn to read, or elderly animals need rescue and support? OF COURSE NOT, YOU MONSTERS.

In between the Christmas-present-buying and cookie-inhaling, let’s get spirit-of-the-season-y and donate to some extremely worthy charities. Charities don’t care whether you celebrate a religious holiday in December! They want your money, maybe your time, nothing else. So, as we finally put an end to 2010, annus horribilis, Vegansaurus offers you a short list of charities we especially love.

We each chose one local and one inter/national group, which was difficult! They all accept monetary donations online; all you have to do is choose an amount and your method of payment, and BAM, you’ve helped. Give $10, give $100, whatever you can—it’s so easy and so wonderful, and it makes you feel like $10 million.

Brianna Kaufman
My mom is on the board of directors for this wonderful organization called Haven Hills that provides immediate shelter for victims of domestic violence as well as longer-term transitional housing programs, a 24-hour hotline, counseling, etc. It’s something that both my mother and I really believe in, and since the financial crisis the organization has been struggling a lot and unfortunately might have to cut back on some services.  It’s located in Los Angeles. Donate here.

In Defense of Animals is an animal welfare advocacy organization that campaigns against animal cruelty worldwide. One of their causes that is especially close to my heart is their marine conservation campaign against the senseless dolphin slaughter in Japan. You may recognize this conservationist effort as the impetus behind the “controversial”/mind-blowing movie The Cove. Currently, all donations up to $100,00 made here will be matched. Otherwise, donate here.

Jonas Madden-Connor
Rocket Dog Rescue is where Hazel’s from and Laura is vice president and so I love them. It’s a fine and venerable institution and the dogs! They are cute! Donate here.

San Francisco Bicycle Coalition helps make biking in the city safer and more accessible. Bikes and veganism go together like Laura and beauty [Ed.: they’re always like this!]. Donate here.

Jordan Pattern
Home At Last Animal Rescue is a local animal-rescue that rescues animals from shelters where they’re likely to be euthanized. That means that they have a lot of older animals or ones with behavior problems. My husband and I adopted our dear problem cat, Lucy, from Home At Last, and they were a pleasure to work with. Lucy, who is so shy she spent her first month with us hiding under our bathtub, only emerging when we were asleep, needed someone to advocate for her and make sure she got a loving home, and Home At Last did that for her. I know I’m grateful! Donate here.

The Animal Legal Defense Fund do great work. They are a group of lawyers, legal professionals, law students, and volunteers who use the law to improve animals’—and animal activists’—lives. Some examples of the good work the ALDF has done includes filing a petition to prevent the permit renewal of a truck stop that kept a live tiger in inhumane conditions; filing a suit against BP to prevent the burning of live sea turtles as part of the BP spill clean-up efforts; petitioning the Department of Transportation to require airlines to report on the deaths of companion animals who fly as cargo; providing scholarships and internship opportunities to law students interested in animal law; and filing countless legal briefs in cases involving animal cruelty or the unfair prosecution of animal rights activists. Donate here.

Laura Beck
The Southern Poverty Law Center basically uses legal jujitsu to fight for everything good and against everything bad, and are super effective. basically, they go into areas where it’s still all mississippi burning (figuratively and literally) and attempt to set shit straight. Also, they’re matching donations up to $800,000 through the end of the year, so do it up! Donate here.

There are lots of really great rescued farm animal sanctuaries to choose from but this year, Harvest Home Sanctuary will get my dough. They’re superheroes; I can’t believe how much they do with so little. Plus, it’s in Stockton, so it’s close enough to visit and cuddle those cute-ass animals! Donate here.

Maria Diaz
The Women’s Community Clinic in San Francisco offers what is perhaps the Holy Grail: free health care for uninsured women delivered by a team of fantastic female practitioners. They focus on gynecological health but also have acupuncture and counseling for you hippies and sad girls. Donate here.

I know there’s controversy about micro-loans, but personally I think it’s a great idea and I love lending money to small businesses in developing nations through Kiva. It takes a very small amount to become a lender—the minimum is $25—and it’s so rewarding to get reports of how the business is doing. Some vegan suggestions: A Cambodian lady grows soybeans and produces tofu; an Ecuadorean man grows cocoa beans; a Lebanese man runs a coffee shop; a group of eight Ugandan people sell bananas. Find a partner here.

Meave Gallagher
I nominate Save A Bunny: you know I love a bun! They’re local, so their ambassadors get to go to all the awesome events, like VegFest, which is where I petted my first rabbit. Like cats and dogs, rabbits have unique personalities and make wonderful companion animals; like cats and dogs, rabbits are very frequently impulse-bought and quickly abandoned, making them the third most frequently euthanized animals at shelters. SaveABunny rescues rabbits from death rows all over the Bay and places them in loving homes. If you can’t adopt me a bunny for Christmas, help out some of their biggest supporters. Donate here.

Room to Read works in developing countries—so far, seven countries in Southeast Asia, and two in southern Africa—to establish libraries, and publish children’s books by local writers and illustrators in their local languages. They build schools, and focus especially on helping girls successfully complete secondary education. Vegansaurus: we love animals, food, and literacy. Reading is the best! And all kids deserve access to great books. Donate Here.

My ma gives to Opportunity House; she likes that it offers homeless people in her town both shelter and the chance to change their lives. Donate here.

Megan Rascal
Founded in SF in 2002 by author Dave Eggers and educator Nínive Calegari, 826 Valencia (the name AND the address!) is a nonprofit program that helps kids with writing! Writing is very important! Plus, San Francisco’s 826, the OG, has a Pirate Supply Store! ARRRR you paying with cash or credit? (Ha!) I know 826 is super-awesome because it is my friend Lizzy’s favorite charity and Lizzy is a genius and probably our future ambassador to China. I wish I was kidding! Lizzy, come home! The program has proven very popular and now there are 826s in eight different cites, so we can donate on the national level, or locally in San Francisco and New York.

I like Born Free USA because I HATE circuses and I LOVE elephants! The circus abuses elephants who are the super-sweetest, awesomest animals ever. They are family animals but the circus takes the babies when they are just two years old; in the wild, they aren’t even weaned until they’re four to six years old, but the younger they are, the easier they are to bully and beat into submission. You can read more about how great elephants are and how they shouldn’t be held in captivity in my previous posts here, here and here. Donate to the elephant defense fund or the organization in general; I’ll be happy with either!

We give money out of love, guilt, hope, terror, habit—not for recognition or praise, of course. We love you if you give $1 to one place, $50 to all of these organizations, and if you’re just too broke, send this link to all your friends and family with money to spare. Add your own favorite charities to this list in the comments! Thank you for being caring, thoughtful activists. We’d cover all of you with baby animals and delicious vegan baked goods if we could. And kisses, big wet grateful kisses. Happy winter holidays, everyone!

[photo by Lawrence OP!]

11/11/2010

Harvest Home Toast to the Turkeys Celebration is THIS SATURDAY!  »

This Saturday, Nov. 13, Harvest Home Sanctuary (our favorite!) in Stockton is hosting its  Toast to the Turkeys Celebration. You get to cuddle with farm animals, eat an amazing vegan feast, and tour a beautiful sanctuary for just 25 bucks. NOT BAD AT ALL. Get your tickets here!

If you can’t make it, check out their sixth anniversary funding drive and PLEASE consider donating as they are the absolute best and doing so sosososo much for the animals. I honestly can’t think of a better place to spend your money I MEAN OUR MONEY.

From the site (DONATE!):

In 2004, we opened our barn doors to the first animals rescued by our sanctuary on Thanksgiving Day. Since our creation, Harvest Home Animal Sanctuary has established itself as a force for saving unwanted animals in California. Our organization has rescued hundreds of animals from shelters, hoarders, breeders, butchers and beyond. Currently, we are proud to care for nearly 200 animals at our rescue and rehabilitation center in Stockton. 

For our sixth anniversary this Thanksgiving, a team of volunteers will participate in Stockton’s Annual Run-Walk to raise funds for the sanctuary in union with our funding drive. 

Celebrate our lifesaving work with a donation to our $6K anniversary campaign today. Our funding drive will run through the end of the year. 

10/19/2010

Design a shirt with Monkey + Seal and raise money for Harvest Home Sanctuary!  »

This is so ridiculously awesome and if you don’t participate, I’ll cut off your balls.

Two of our most favorite people, Rick and Eve of Monkey + Seal, are the super-cutest, most talented design duo in history. You might remember Rick from creating the most bad-ass watercolor illustration of Vegansaurus saving a chicken? Well, these two geniuses want to create a vegan-related/anti-animal-cruelty t-shirt, and they want you to give them ideas for what should be on the shirt! If your idea is chosen, not only will you see your vision printed onto many, many t-shirts and sold INTERNATIONAL WORLDWIDE (you’re a total hustler) but you’ll also get a shirt for free. What’s more! 20 percent of the $18 retail price of the shirt ($3.60) will go to wonderful farm animal sanctuary/adoption service/education center Harvest Home Sanctuary, to take care of Tracy and the rest of the awesome crew. This is reason enough alone to put on your creative thinking caps and come up with the best design idea in history!

To get an idea of the magic that Monkey + Seal are capable of, check out some of their past and current designs!

(That’s the Loch Ness Blues shirt! It breaks my heart/I want 10 of them!)

AND WHAT ABOUT:

(Zombie Abe Lincoln! Very spooky! And presidential! Don’t have a Halloween costume? This is it!)

AND MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE:

(It is a NARWAHL and a UNICORN finding each other after years and years of rejection because of their creepy adorable horns. I love this shirt more than I love my own life. AND I LOVE TO BE LIVIN, PEOPLE.)

So, now you see what they can do. What are your ideas?? Leave them in the comments (or if you’re shy, email me and I’ll pass them on!). Use that big, beautiful brain of yours and come up with something (or somethingS! enter more than one idea!) magical and amazing! For inspiration, listen to this on repeat.

10/15/2010

Adopting bunnies, eating ramen, pie making contests & more! It’s your weekend activities!  »

We’re here to make your weekend amazing! Do the damn thing(s):

Saturday, Oct. 16
The House Rabbit Society and Harvest Home Sanctuary will have their regular adoption event today! Go see the bunnies from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. at George in Berkeley! Harvest Home Sanctuary and House Rabbit Society buns will be waiting for you in the Fourth Street Shopping Center at 1824 Fourth St. Why not look at some of them now?

It’s the Berkeley’s Walk for Farm Animals today! Go! Walk! Be awesome and help animals and walk it out for a good cause!

Help a Brother Out bakesale and street food party fundraiser in the mission. All sorts of delicious baked goods (in the afternoon!) and street food (in the evening!) and GO!

SwapSF is back! I feel like this counts as vegan because when people obtain leather shoes or woolen sweaters through trade, they’re stopping the supply-and-demand cycle that keeps new leather shoes and woolen sweaters in production. y/y? Also it’s good for the environment, and SwapSF always has drink specials because the organizers love drinking in the early afternoon. Buy a $6 presale ticket and bring your tradeable clothes to Mighty at 119 Utah St. (between 15th and Alameda Streets); the swap goes from noon to 3 p.m.

Sunday, Oct. 17
It’s the 8th Annual Spice of Life Festival in Berkeley! From 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. on Shattuck Avenue between Rose and Virginia Streets (five blocks!), there will be all kinds of Berkeleyania—an “eco-carnival,” an “interactive nature sculpture project,” a puppet show—but also awesome foodstuffs from places we love: Saturn Cafe, Scream Sorbet, Flacos; plus some places that sound like they should be vegan, like Raw Daddy Foods, Chick ‘o Peas falafel, Skylite Snowballs; and Chairman Bao makes a crispy tofu bun. Best: it’s free. Have fun, East Bay!

Mission Pie’s fourth annual Pie Contest is today! Did you enter? You still have until 5 p.m. on Friday, Oct. 15 to do so! Just send an email with your name, type of pie, and contact information, then bring your pie to Mission Pie at 2901 Mission St. at 25th Street between 2 and 2:30 p.m. on Sunday!
Did you want to come sample the pies? Show up at the same place around the same time, pie-free. Easy-peasy.

Southern Ramen and Blues from 6 to 10 p.m. at Gravel and Gold—we told you all about it already, remember?

Wednesday, Oct. 20
There will be a protest against the Grand National Rodeo held at the Cow Palace (2600 Geneva Ave. in Daly City) on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of this week. The protests are scheduled from 6 to 7:30 p.m., and banners and signs will be provided. This is all the information we have now; we’ll give you more as we get it.

Friday, Oct. 22
Next weekend already? Yes, it’s important: Carol J. Adams is speaking at UC Berkeley! The Berkeley Organization for Animal Advocacy put this together; aren’t they great? Ms. Adams will speak from 2 to 4 p.m. in 2060 VLSB on campus; “many vegan treats” will be provided, and Ms. Adams’ books The Sexual Politics of Meat and The Pornography of Meat will be available for purchase.

Even later this month!
On Wednesday, Oct. 27 at the Saturn Cafe in Berkeley (2175 Allston Way at Fullton Street), Stephanie Redcross of Vegan Mainstream will have answers to your questions about making your vegan blog the best vegan blog it can be! This seminar/Q&A is called Unleashing the Power of Efficient Vegan Marketing, is scheduled for 6 to 8 p.m., and is free with registration. Naturally, Karine Brighten Events is hosting.

Don’t forget about the East Bay Vegan Bakesale! It’s happening on Saturday, Oct. 30 from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m., in front of Issues (20 Glen Ave. at Piedmont) in Oakland. All proceeds will benefit Mickaboo Companion Bird Rescue and the East Bay Children’s Book Project. Want to volunteer (of course you do!)? Email the organizers!

10/04/2010

Help house the hens of Harvest Home!  »


Harvest Home Sanctuary has 50 rescued hens
whose enclosure needs big repairs before the seasonal cold arrives. They estimate these repairs will cost $1,000, and in order to raise those funds they’ve initiated a campaign on Facebook.

Five days in, and they’ve raised just over $400—not enough, you guys! Harvest Home is great: they care for 175 animals on two acres, including the buns rescued by the House Rabbit Society, and they do it all with donations and volunteers. Can you give a few dollars to keep their hens warm and safe this winter? Chickens may look eerily similar to dinosaurs, but they’re much more delicate, and need a house for snuggling. So come on already and help them get their house!

09/17/2010

Is that the pungent odor of bitter disgust mixed with maniacal enthusiasm? Why yes, it’s this week’s link-o-rama!  »


What ho, young Philip! When Your Vegansaurus leads with a bunny photo, it means there’s an adoption event this weekend, and this one is tomorrow, Saturday, Sept. 18 from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. at George in Berkeley! Harvest Home Sanctuary and House Rabbit Society buns will be waiting for you in the Fourth Street Shopping Center at 1824 Fourth St.—big buns and little buns, baby buns and grown-up buns, ready for you to meet and befriend and take home to love forever and ever. Wee Philip here, along with his mum and littermates were dumped outside a pet store. Wouldn’t you love to end his nightmare by taking him and a sibling home? Look at his little paws, they are chocolate-dipped!

And what else is happening this weekend, Vegansaurus?
How about dinner and a movie tonight? As in, Friday, Sept. 17! OK it’s not original, but the details are: attend a screening of Bicycle Bride by local filmmaker Hassan Zee at Maharani Restaurant, and eat your heart’s (NOT stomach’s; heart’s. stomach lies; heart encourages) content at a massive vegan buffet! Dinner is at 6 p.m., and the film screens at 7:15. Tickets cost $25, which is a good deal for ALL YOU CAN EAT VEGAN FOOD, plus a movie! Maharani is at 1122 Post St., between Van Ness and Polk Streets.

Tonight, tomorrow and Sunday are action days for anti-circus leafleting in Stockton! This is organized by Humanity Through Education, who direct you here for details. Leafleting and protesting will take place at the Stockton Arena, at 248 Fremont St., at 5:30 this evening, 12:45 and 5:30 p.m. tomorrow, and 2:45 p.m. on Sunday. Contact Pat Cuviello with questions and/or to RSVP.

If you missed the previous two discussions about “Preparing Yourself and Your Animal Companion for a Disaster,” the SFPL will present one more on Wednesday, Sept. 22 at 6:30 p.m. at the Glen Park Branch, at 2825 Diamond St. The discussion will be held by a panel of experts from the SF Disaster Preparedness Coalition for Animals. Your Vegansaurus is fine with your blasé attitude toward earthquake preparedness, but if you have companion animals, you owe it to them to be ready.

Also on Weds., Sept. 22 from 7 to 8:30 p.m. at the Excelsior branch, check out the documentary Dark Water Rising: Survival Stories of Hurricane Katrina Animal Rescues. The Excelsior Branch is located at 2200 Mission St. at Cotter Street.

Vegansaurus, I need something to read!
Peter Singer reminds pescatarians of the massive cost of catching their dinners, in particular that “is no humane slaughter requirement for wild fish caught and killed at sea.” Of course Rick Moonen, who prides himself in serving “sustainable” fish at his restaurant in Las Vegas, is staunchly against the GMO salmon. On this single, solitary, lone point, Your Vegansaurus and Rick Moonen find agreement—this shit is fucked up. Now stop acting like serving fish is at all sustainable in any environment, Moonen, and work on developing gourment mock-fish. Then you’ll be a real ocean warrior. Oh, and do tell us how you stand on tuna?

People are so good at killing animals these days! Last week, caretakers in Kyoto, Japan, somehow caused the death of Xin Xin the panda during an attempt to collect his sperm, which they were going to use to artificially inseminate his partner Tan Tan. Chinese panda experts are investigating. Poor Xin Xin was on loan (like a vase!) from China, and per the agreement, Japan apparently owes $500,000 for his death. Goodnight, sweet prince; may heaven be a nonstop party. In Honker Bay, Calif., a contractor working for Chevron drained a 700-acre “duck pond,” and whoops, the 1,500 fish living there had no water and DIED. Sorry, fish! Chevron totally had all the right permits and everything! Well, Professional Lab and Research Services, Inc., of North Carolina won’t be torturing or murdering any animals for the foreseeable future, thanks to…Peta. Sometimes old uncle Peta stops embarrassing us and does something awesome, like shut down a horrible, abusive lab that was testing ANIMAL CARE PRODUCTS.

Adorable-drawing break! Check out Tiny Pets, the sweetest little Tumblr you ever saw! The concept is super-simple: the artist draws a little portrait of your pet! This one of Josie is noteworthy first because of her little rescued-on date—everyone loves a rescue cat!—and second because it’s reminiscent of a classic “mom” tattoo. Buy a pet portrait from Tiny Pets, whose own cat came from BARC in Brooklyn! Or at least check out the archives to see every singular pet portrait, they really are wonderful.

Now, back to the unhappiness: LGBT Compassion reports that they have identified the factory farms that supply the birds being sold at Heart of the City Farmers Market, one of which is Gemperle Farms, which used to supply Trader Joe’s with eggs until they were exposed as extreme hen torturers. For more information on this breaking news, please contact LGBT Compassion. For more information on why Colonel Sanders should be as big an icon as George Washington or Jesus or something, please read Josh Ozersky’s ridiculous column. Or not, as it may induce violent rage and you don’t want to hit the first innocent person you see. Read this nice story about poor chickens who were being “hoarded”—like pillows or toenail clippings, but actual LIVING CREATURES—but have since been rescued and now live at our beloved Animal Place.

Hey guys, don’t worry about the egg recall, or any food recalls, really: Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.), one of the worst citizens of our beloved country, isn’t! He’s going to stop the food-safety bill from passing, all by his lonesome, for no specific reason! Our theory: he hates you! He wants people to die from food-borne illnesses! Then there will be fewer people to vote against him in his next election! Unfortunately for Evil Tom Coburn, the longer the horrorshow of “meat production” remains a media talking point, the less meat people actually eat. So unless nightmarish conditions on factory farms allow E. coli or Salmonella to infiltrate our precious fruits and vegetables again, his plan to kill people through food defeats itself! Very slowly! Evil Tom Coburn: secretly loves irony. What we need to do is get in on this science-magic from China that grows vegetables without sunlight or soil—that will save us from runoff and soil erosion and pesticides and Evil Tom Coburn’s plan to force us to eat animal poop. Help us, China! Help us all afford produce untainted by bacteria and devils!

Happy stories time? How about a video of a three-month-old orphaned otter learning to swim in a bathtub? Right? Little Garaint is being rehabbed at Secret World Wildlife Rescue in Highbridge, Somerset; part of that involves socialization, and instead of meeting lots of people (bad!), Garaint is making friends with Mollie the Labrador retriever puppy, and another baby otter called Snuffles. SNUFFLES THE BABY OTTER. OK, now laugh and cry with this slideshow from Pup My Ride, a program by Best Friends Animal Society that takes dogs from shelters and puppy mills to “local rescue partners with highly successful adoption programs.” More weeping, you say? How about the story of The Old Lady Pigeons’ Retirement Home, which should be adapted into a mystery-solving series ASAPly. It is the sweetest story that may also cause you to cry, because life is so hard and ugly and lovely.

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