PETA continues its quest to be the weirdest pro-vegan organization on earth—not that there’s a lot of competition, but definitely it’s steep—with PETA Europe’s sexxxxy sexxxxxxxy animals-doin-it video promoting the “bigger sexual appetite” of us vegans.
Maybe it’s spring and all the pigeons out are strutting for each other, but I’m not in immediate hate with this thing. What do you guys think? Puerile and great, or just puerile?
The amazing math whizzes at OK Cupid have spoken, and now we have definitive proof of yet another way in which the veggie-set is a superior class of humanity: we’re way more into giving oral sex. SO GENEROUS! [And yes, dumbass, it’s vegan—no suffering involved!]
If you find this a silly chart, you probably need to go read the whole archive* of OK Cupid’s OKTrends blog, in which the free dating site’s founders make epic good use of their huge data pool to reveal hidden wonders about our species (at least the part of it which uses online dating sites). They use real math and everything! It’s hilarious!
Questions I still have (are you listening, math whizzes?):
- How does the vegan sub-class stack up? Perhaps they didn’t have enough data to answer that. Go sign up for an OK Cupid profile and answer all the questions about oral sex. No, I don’t care that you’re married, make your vegan husband sign up too. We need to REPRESENT!
- What happens if you cross-analyze this info and the vegan sub-class info with how people respond to the classic silly question, “Which would you rather give up for the rest of your life, oral sex or cheese?”
Math world, I await answers. In the meantime, I leave you with this generous list of veggie-friendly sex terms, compiled by OK Cupid staff:
Vegetarian-Friendly Sex Slang
Peeling the banana
Tossing the salad
Squeezing the melons
Zeroing in on a grown man’s nuts and nutsack
Putting Monsanto in yoursanto
Ordering the split pea soup
Sorry, that’s got ham
Bonus points for coming up with more in the comments.
*[For a fun, quick hit of it, check out the story I did for Wired applying their findings to Optimus Prime, leader of the Transformers. Yeah, I’m a nerd, but I’m a nationally published nerd so it’s all good.]
Top 10 links of the week: a shuffle board game through veganism! »
First of all, SO FLATTERED: We’re on Carpe Vegan’s neat Vegan 100 list: vote us to the top! Also, the San Francisco Bay Guardian totally gave us a Best of the Bay 2011 award for “Best Righteous Vegan Sass” (WHAT?) and we’re extremely pleased and honored and in very fine company so WOO AWARD WINNERS WHAT?
Apparently in Bosnia, they make bulls fight each other and they used to beat them up first to get them angry. They aren’t going to do that anymore—the beating part at least. A win? Why do people like these crazy events?
Yo! The U.S. (where I keep all my stuff) may impose sanctions on Iceland for whaling! I HOPE THOSE ICELANDIC FUCKERS GET WHAT THEY DESERVE.
Good has a vegan guide to getting it on. Like, sex.
Downer about dead baby dolphins over at HuffPo.
Birds massage each other! Birds are so smart! And kinky!
The emperor penguin Happy Feet (gag on the name, but whatevs) is recovering well, and here’s a video of him passing his penguin physical.
Whaling is a slowly dying form of murder, so we’re happy to see that Japan is hopping on the bandwagon. The country’s Fisheries Agency has released a report with its first-ever mention of discontinuing research whaling as a viable option.
The lovely Sarah M. Smart heavily contributed to these links! Thanks, Sarah!
How turtles got their groove back »
Oh, turtles, you and your sexytimes. More than 100 diamondback terrapins shut down a runway at JFK Airport. Haha! The turtles were looking for a good place to lay their eggs, and they had to cross the runway to get to the water. Wildlife specialists moved them out of harm’s way so that those at the top of the food chain can get on with their nature-subjugating lives. PRIORITIES, y’all. But seriously, work what your mamas gave you, turtles! GET IT ON!
What creepy chefs do to get laid »
Seeing as it takes me days to sift through all of the swill that comes through my Google Reader, and last priority goes to blogs about foods I can’t even eat, I didn’t stumble upon this little gem called “What Chefs Cooks for Their Lovers” from Grub Street until today. Apparently, to get everyone in the Valentine’s Day mood, they asked chefs what they would cook for their “lovaaaahs” to get them all hot and bothered. The responses, simply put, are appalling. I mean, seriously. I felt uncomfortable reading this, and not just because of all the disgusting animal references. I don’t need the “velvety, smooth and sensual texture” of scallops to get aroused, and there’s no quicker way to get my legs to snap closed than mentioning the “musky scent” of Mediterranean turbot with white truffles. Are we really supposed to assume that everyone looking to get laid acts like a dog in heat at the sight of dead animals? Gross. Just gross.
But it’s not like the article gets any better when the animal references are left out of it: “Massage the dough together with your lover’s hands”; “gets her from table to mattress”; [Ed.: admittedly hard to do when said lover is in a food coma and/or has food poisoning from all that meat!] “evoke the lady (sweet) in the street, whore (spicy) in the bedroom quality that all true men love”?!?!?! Excuse me while I go vomit. Way to go, Grub Street; you’ve officially skeeved me out. I don’t want the image of those slightly misogynistic chefs and their significant others slobbering all over each others’ greasy fingers haunting me every time I close my eyes, but congratulations, you’ve unapologetically assaulted my sense with images I DID NOT WANT AT ANY POINT IN MY LIFE. I think the only thing worse would be photos of the actual chefs, because chefs are usually the LAST people you want to imagine naked.
Or maybe you’re into this; I don’t judge (that hard).
You just know they don’t take their Crocs off in bed. And if anyone ever tried to feed me blindfolded I’d bite their fingers off. Or wonder why I wasn’t being tied up. Let’s be real; I have three jobs and no time for this hand-fed, “don’t you love my meat” (get your mind out of the gutter) bullshit. Just slap me with a slab of tofu and forget moving to the mattress—we’ve got a perfectly good kitchen table to ruin.
We’re trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful so here you go: Kristen is a lovely young writer and editor living in San Francisco.
Summer Gardening Edition: Very Revealing Hot and Sexy Pictures XXX! »
Vegansaurus is mostly a San Francisco joint, but everywhere else in the Northern hemisphere, it’s hot. The dudes are stripping off their t-shirts and the ladies are adjusting their bikini straps, many of them baking to the golden color of sweet potato fries. At least in Jersey and Europe, where white people still haven’t discovered sunscreen.
To help you make it through the heat and California’s eternal drought, we’re giving you some vegan eye candy to suck on: hot photos of some of the sexiest reproductive organs to be found on common garden edibles! Big, small, purple, or yellow, these flowers show that growing food isn’t just healthy and practical—it’s like totally superficial, too!
Fragile, pale and tiny, strawberry flowers are all the more attractive because you just know they’re gonna grow up to be sweet and juicy. And if you thought that description was sexually suggestive, you are probably not allowed near public parks or schools.
The blossoms of pumpkins and most winter squash are yellow and big, like a nice beach umbrella or a dude who stuffs his Speedo. Most plants produce more blossoms than squash, so you can pick loads of these to toss raw into salads, sauté, or stuff (GET IT?) and bake.
Fava bean make blooms as numerous as sunburnt German tourists on a Mediterranean beach [ed: zing!], but they’re much smaller and more exotic-looking.
I’ve already raved about borage on this blog: it’s an all-around winner, able to repel insects, provide humans with tasty nutrients, and produce attractive flowers and unique hairy foliage. Basically, if your garden is Baywatch, this is its David Hasselhoff.
Radishes grow to tower over most other crops when they’re blooming, spraying the sky with flowers like a bunch of pretty, colorful kites. Or hot air balloons. Or unicorns.
Yarrow is attractive in a quaint kind of way, like quilts and Vermont. Going with that theme, it’s one of the best flowers for dried arrangements (I totally just lost all of my remaining masculinity by typing that) and is delightful when added to salads and sauces.
Sunflowers need no introduction. They are so good-looking you won’t even know what to do with them, and their seeds are incredibly healthy and by far the easiest edible seed to grow and harvest.
And finally, the ultimate summer crush: look at those paper-thin creamy petals holding that cute fuzzy pistil. This thing is like a freakin’ orchid, except a little more common-looking, so you feel like you can identify with it more, right? But while you there wondering what the heck I’m talking about, this awesome flower already up and left. Yup, these cuties only last one day. What happens then? They turn into this slimy thing nobody really eats called okra that just gets thrown away or gummed by old folks at Hometown Buffet. I totally just summed up life, didn’t I?
OK, that’s it! Remember: You are what you eat, and if you’re eating plants like this, you’re one sexy bitch.
Please welcome back guest writer Ben Pearson. He loves to get (and give!) blow jobs.