The Geniuses at PETA Strike Again!   »

PETA wants to give schools in Kentucky free veggie burgers in exchange for advertising on their teeter-totters. The advertisement? “Tot Teetering on Childhood Obesity? Go Vegan!” You know the fools at PETA were all, “OMG HILARIOUS PLAY ON TEETER-TOTTER OMG HIGH FIVE!!!”

Ugh, this kills me. I know getting upset about PETA’s press releases is completely futile* but still I rise. Can you imagine a little fat kid (who, btw, is already teased mercilessly because kids are the motherflipping MEANEST) coming to the playground and seeing those teeter-totters? Stunts like this don’t turn kids vegan but I bet they could turn them suicidal. Further, how many fat kids do you know who venture near a teeter-totter anyway, it’s already ground for public humiliation. Way to know your audience, PETA!

And what of all the thin kids with malnutrition and fast food diets? There are tons of them, believe it. Just because they’re skinny, they get a free pass? Thin does not healthy make. What a crappy lesson all the way around. Oh and way to hold the veggie burgers hostage, PETA. If PETA really wanted kids to eat healthy, they’d give the schools veggie burgers anyway. Withholding food from schools until they give you precious advertising space? Who does that sound like? Oh that’s right, every asshole fast food and soda company who have targeted schools since our nation lost its godamned mind. What really drives me crazy is that PETA is theoretically playing for the good team. I’m vegan and I want to support them but when they’re pulling stuff like this, it makes it soooooo hard. Further, please GOD, get a Terminator.

PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman says in a letter to the schools, “Students will get a delicious, healthy, fat- and cholesterol-free meal and a lifesaving message about how unhealthy it is to eat meat. The best thing that people of any age can do for their health, animals and the environment is to go vegan.”

What does PETA’s message have to do with health? NOTHING. Also, she’s lying because what veggie burger do you know (that’s edible) that’s fat free? Lady, vegan food has tons going for it already, the vast majority is healthier than it’s non-vegan counterpart, no need to lie. It’s things like this that make us all look like idiots.

I hate to give them any press but PETA’s war on fat is cruel, embarrassing and the exact opposite of compassion. And then when you attack kids? Unforgivable. It makes me want to go give every little fat kid in that school a sundae made with coconut milk ice cream and be all, “look, this shit is delicious and animals weren’t hurt making it.” Kids have a natural compassion for animals, why not tap into that? Because PETA only cares about press! All press is good press! Except when it makes all animal welfare and rights activists look like fringe idiots! GO PETA! 

*like sending letters to Santa Claus! Nothing doing, kids! Nobody’s home!

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