Review: Firefly!  »

My dad took me on a date to Firefly. It was a great date even though my mom came along. Honestly, that is how I feel when I eat out with my parents: it’s me and my dad and the precocious whiny 12-year-old who wants her steak cut into perfect squares or she’ll just DIE! I mean, I practically have to ask for a high chair because she is such a baby. Also, she’s about five feet tall and shrinking so the high chair comes in handy for that too. ANYWAY, despite the fact that we brought crazy town Momma B along for the ride, my dad and I had a lovely time. Sorry, did I say lovely? I meant bizarre.

Ordering with my mom and dad is like watching a figure skater fall. Humiliating. My mom recently announced to the family that she is going vegetarian. I’m kinda like, whatever, because my mom takes on new diets like Mary-Kate Olsen turns down life-sustaining food and beverage. Which is to say, every fucking day. So anyway, my mom is all, “Hmm…what should I GET? Maybe the fish?” and I’m like, “fish isn’t a vegetable,” and she’s all, “oh that’s right, I’m vegetarian now,” and my dad starts laughing hysterically and is all, “YEAH RIGHT! Did she tell you that, Laura? HAHAHA what a liar!” and my mom is all, “oh what are you going to order, JOHN? Bambi?” and my dad is all, “well maybe I will, JOYCE,”* and I’m all, “SHOOT ME IN THE MOTHERFUCKING FACE.”

Everything at Firefly is really, really delicious and there are always a couple of sides that are vegetarian or vegan (or can be made vegan) and at least one vegan entree. The vegan entree the night we went was OUT OF THIS WORLD. Basically, it was phyllo pastry stuffed with all sorts of perfectly cooked vegetables on a pile of perfect rice. My description is horrible but to sum it up, my knees buckled and angels sang; it was like being in heaven without the crappy death part. The vegan dish right now is roasted fall vegetables and sauteed greens with pomegranate salsa, quinoa and Luc’s Indiana green harissa. If brussels sprouts are on the menu, get them. Same with anything made with beets. I will be eating that on Saturday night when I go there on a for real date not with my parents. Moving up in the world!

Oh also, the waitresses are all sex pots and I wanted to mount the busboy at the table. LAURA GROSS WHAT THE STAFF’S ATTRACTIVE!!

So, more recap on actual establishment. Firefly: food is amazing, vegetarian and vegan options (although I wish there were more! C’mon! Give us more, Firefly, and you could be in Lauras for DAYS!) in a very romantical setting. It’s a date place if ever a date place existed. Plus, it’s nice to walk around Noe Valley hand in hand after dinner and count the number of screaming babies and then go home and make sweet love wearing 19 condoms and using a pound of spermicide. You might want to throw on a dental dam or five just in case. Alternately, you can just rip out your uterus and run it over with your car.

Oh and no vegan desserts at Firefly. Boo.

Finally, I must issue a demerit for the following reason:
I’m about to go on an Animal Rights Bender so please pass this enormously long run-on sentence if you can’t handle the HEAT! Firefly says something on the menu that’s like, “The animals that we serve are raised and slaughtered humanely and aren’t pumped full of chemicals and crack cocaine and shit like that,” and while that’s very cute and clever, the animals that they serve were not humanely slaughtered and just…the making light of something like that turns me off. It’s like, those animals gave their lives for you to fucking enjoy your pork tenderloin so don’t fucking make jokes about it. Almost all animals from every farm in the U.S. go to one of the few processing slaughterhouses that are HELLHOLES and they spend their final days scared shitless surrounded by death so really, don’t make a goddamn joke about it, goddammit.

*Ugh, fuck it! They’re both crazy!

[exterior photo via Firefly]

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