vegansaurus!

Sprinkles Cupcakes Goes Vegan! Kinda!

National chain Sprinkles Cupcakes is launching a vegan red velvet flavor in all of their stores on January 25. Apparently they’re gonna have gluten-free ones too BUT WHO GIVES TWO CRAPS ABOUT THAT. I joke! But really!

Road trip to Palo Alto? I know, it’s Palo Alto but CUPCAKES!! God, I’m stuck in 1998 but I swear, I love a cupcake and there is nothing you bitches can say that will make me stop because THIS LOVE IS TRUE.

Liguria Bakery!

Liguria bakery in North Beach is one of those places in San Francisco that not a whole lot of San Franciscans seem to know about. Maybe it’s that so many San Franciscans sort of shun North Beach, leaving it to the tourists and the peep-show perverts; maybe it’s that it’s just out of the way. Whatever the reason, vegans in San Francisco would do well to remember its name, because Liguria makes the BEST focaccia bread ever, and it is awesome.

Before you hit up this mythical North Beach bread paradise, however, you should be aware of a couple things: 1) Liguria does pretty much ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY (though it does it in about nine flavors), and that thing is big-ass pieces of focaccia bread. You can get a slice that’s about the size of a piece of standard copier paper for between four and five bucks depending on the kind you want. It will feed you for a day if all you want to eat is bread (and believe me, you DO). 2) They open early (8 a.m. on weekdays and 7 a.m. on weekends), and they close when they sell out. This also tends to be early, so get there before 11 a.m. if you don’t want your trip to be for nothing! 3) The ladies who work here are mean as fuck. I’m sure they’re really nice in real life when they’re not serving the hordes of North Beach frat boy tourists or tourists looking for “The Real San Francisco,” but even if you’re really nice and say “could I please have a piece of the olive focaccia please” with about 80 extra “pleases” thrown in, they will look you up and down with a look of pure hatred and only reluctantly get you your order (which is totally fine with me—I like when service people are able to express their hatred of customers—but if you’re easily offended, you’d best steel yourself). 4) They only take cash, so don’t be that jerk who can’t read the sign and then creates a bunch of hassle for everyone!

When I was there, I had a piece of the olive focaccia and the garlic focaccia, and both were completely insane. I’d been told to try the pizza variety, but I panicked and couldn’t remember if it had cheese on it or not (and didn’t want to ask), so I missed out, but for future reference, I can assure you that the pizza focaccia IS VEGAN—it’s basically tomato sauce on bread. Anyway, the bread is fluffy and soft, but not so soft it falls apart. The edges are a little crunchy in the best possible way, and the toppings are flavorful and generously applied.

There’s not a whole lot else I can say except that it’s definitely worth the trip up to North Beach (grab some xox truffles while you’re at it) and the fat ass. Go get it, vegans!

Wholesome Bakery to open in new Bernal Heights Marketplace!

Big news. Wholesome Bakery is looking to go legit. Currently part of the Street Food Revolution, it’s an entirely vegan bakery (on wheels). BUT NOT FOR LONG. They will soon OPEN EVERY DAY FOR US TO BUY DELICIOUS VEGAN BAKED GOODS PRAISE BE in the new Bernal Heights Marketplace. They are shooting to open by the first of the year and we’re all very excited. With vegan bakeries on a race to set up a shop in SF, we all win.

BRING IT, CUPCAKES.

Vegan Bakery Cinnaholic wins FIRST PLACE in the SF Food Wars’ Mini Cupcake Clash!!!

SO AWESOME. First place OUT OF 20 competitors (and the vast majority of them weren’t vegan!!). They won Photographers Choice too. HOT DAMN. Having tasted Cinnaholic’s pumpkin cinnamon rolls and chocolate cherry brownies at the SF Vegan Bakesale, I can say, I AM NOT SURPRISED. You go ‘head and get down, ladies! I can’t wait to see (and eat!) what comes out of that new vegan bakery next!

A short shout out to SF Food Wars. They are awesome and have always been great to vegans. Fat Bottom Bakery won 2nd place in the Mac n’ Cheese Battle Royale with their delicious vegan mac n’ cheese. It’s fantastic to have foodie events that aren’t only open to vegans, but also encouraging. We <3 SF Food Wars and will continue to talk them up and maybe one day they will have an all-vegan challenge and we can be judges and eat until we explode PLEASE GOD.

Hot Cookie!

Not much vegan on the menu at Hot Cookie, the Gayest Cookie Nook on Earth. Actually, there is only one vegan item that I know of and that is the ginger cookie. But these cookies are so good, they warrant their own post. They are not ginger snaps, they’re more like doughy ginger clouds of chewy deliciousness. The Hot Cookie owners also have big hearts, they always donates cookies to Rocket Dog Rescue for our events and so that makes them tops in my book. Plus, that is one damn fine vegan ginger cookie.

On a side note, an acquaintance of mine (okay, good friend) came in here really high one day and freaked out on the nice counter girl for not having white chocolate macadamia nut cookies. He then had some sort of a drug-mixing-induced seizure and they had to call an ambulance to get him. He was invited to never return. That’s the kind of shit they should show you in D.A.R.E.

Oh finally, they also sell a (non-vegan) cookie shaped like a penis. IN YOUR FACE, ANITA! I brought my mom here and she bought several to “give” to her “friends.” I watched in horror as she made jokes with the counter guy about the size and girth (THE GIRTH!) of the chocolate-covered snickerdoodle wang with coconut macaroon nads. Oh, life! You get me every time!!

Nabolom Bakery!

I used to date this fool who lived all the way in Berkeley and would occasionally bring me a vegan cinnamon roll from Nabolom Bakery. This is probably why the relationship lasted longer than it should have. Another reason that it lasted longer than it should have is that my neighbors at the time were a bunch of busy body old lady assholes who would frequently comment on the fact that I had a lot of “gentlemen callers” when in reality most of them were friends or lesbians. It’s like, “I KNOW YOU’RE 10,000 YEARS OLD AND THE LAST TIME YOU HAD SEX IT WAS WITH A T-REX BUT PLEASE MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BEES WAX*.” Anyway, every time the this d-bag came over, he’d be greeted by flashlights and binoculars. FLASHLIGHTS, PEOPLE. These ridiculous geezers would peer through their windows in their hair nets, dressing gowns and pantaloons (that was the fashion back then) calling each other to be all, “There she goes again! That girl can’t keep ‘em shut!” UGH.

So anyway, that relationship lived on long past its expiration date because of Nabolom’s vegan cinnamon rolls and good old fashioned neighborly spite. Also, excellent sex. I think, I can’t really remember actually. I, too, am getting old.

OH AND they have an amazing vegan chocolate cake. and carrot muffin. and lots of other yummy vegan baked goods. Delicious.

*I say bees wax here because you gotta speak to them in language they can understand…you know, whatever they were speaking in South Mesopotamia when those hagathas weren’t HELLA OLD.

Sugar Beat Sweets!

There was once a time I was so deperate for good tasting vegan baked goods that I WOULD ORDER THEM FROM WASHINGTON, D.C. That is correct. I would pay around $60 to have some bear claws sent to me from Sticky Fingers Bakery in our nation’s capital. It was the worst of times.

But that was horrible then and this is wonderful now because now SF has its very own vegan bakery, Sugar Beat Sweets!  It’s a brand-new, all-vegan, woman-owned bakery that uses fair-trade, organic and local ingredients whenever possible. I’m telling you, if I had to lie through my teeth one more time about how most vegan goods are just as good as their butter- and dairy-filled counterparts, I would be forced to stick my head in an oven. To eat the cake that’s inside. I ain’t going nowhere, bitches! But also, I would continue to feel bad about lying, and cheated that there aren’t that many equally delicious dessert offerings for us vegans. HOWEVER, with the advent of Sugar Beat Sweets and its amazing cakes, cupcakes, cookies and more, I no longer have to lie! About vegan baked goods! I will continue to lie about everything else! The sweet, sweet baked goods from SBS are RIDICULOUS. My birthday cake this year came from SBS, and even my father—who prefers his food made with pig’s blood and baby tears—was blown away. He actually thought I was cheating at being vegan (that’s my favorite, like it’s some fad diet that I get to be “bad” about on the weekends or some shit. GOD I REALLY HATE THAT) and had ordered a non-vegan cake. I think he was more proud than the day I graduated college. When I told him it was vegan, he was visibly disappointed and drowned his sorrows in two more slices. I actually think that cake had some special powers because since then my dad has been less weird about my veganism (pronounced “vay-gun-ism”) and more weird about the fact that my life is going nowhere and I’m dead broke and will wind up dead in a gutter, half-eaten by wolves. Also, that would kinda rule because it would mean that San Francisco would be overrun by wolves and they are my people. I’m pretty sure we would be good friends before they ate me.

PLEASE TO NOTE: Sugar Beat Sweets doesn’t have a storefront (YET! BUY LOTS OF BAKED GOODS SO THAT I CAN CLIMB INSIDE THE PASTRY CASES!) so you have to custom-order through the website.