Fox fur and feathers are the new vajazzling! Quick, to the waxer! »
Hey “ladies”! Cancel your body-modification plans; we know exactly what you should be doing with your physical self. Get this: What you 100 percent want to do with your body is remove its hair, exposing your genitals to the winter cold, and partially re-cover your nudity with either neon-dyed fox fur or feathers. Enticing, right?
Yes! It is what you want to do! Cindy Barshop, the lady who claims to have invented vajazzling, says so, and she is the world’s foremost expert on sexual decoration.”All the colored furs are in now,” Barshop tells Fashionista, “and Carnivale’s coming with the feathers” so obviously you need to put these items on your naked skin that would otherwise be covered with underpants. Peta, in a moment of sanity, is quoted as calling the furkin (tm Maureen O’Connor) “outright sleazy, and it’s downright cruel to kill an animal to decorate your privates.”
It’s nice when vegans of all stripes can agree on such a nasty little pimple of an issue. You are the worst, Cindy Barshop. Please knock it off.
[image by genibee via Flickr]
Promotional recipes that sound delicious: Sun-dried-tomato-encrusted Gardein with spinach puree and baby potatoes! »
The Gardein people love recipes! They also love you to use Gardein in your recipes! That’s why they’ve created this pretty tasty-looking item, sun-dried-tomato-encrusted Gardein with spinach puree and baby potatoes!
They say it’s for “lovers” or whatever, I guess because it serves two and maybe also because it’s red, and “heart-healthy,” and cruelty-free? But don’t let anyone dictate your meals! If you want to make some Gardein-for-lovers, you make it, and you save that second portion to eat later on, because leftovers are delicious! And if you are someone’s “lover,” first, barf!, and second, making this dish basically ensures sexytimes later, because look at it! It’s beautiful. Just like you, lovers. Awww! puke.
1 pkg Gardein Chick’n Scallopini
1 cup fresh bread crumbs
1/2 cup oil-packed sun dried tomatoes, drained (reserve oil)
1 tbsp oil reserved from tomatoes
2 garlic cloves, large minced
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups soy milk
1 lb. fresh spinach leaves
6 Tbsp. basil leaves, fresh
6 Tbsp. cashew cream or soy milk
3 Tbsp. nutritional yeast
1/4 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
1 lb. baby potatoes
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. pepper
Cover potatoes with cold water in a medium-sized thick-bottomed pot. Bring potatoes to a boil and cook until just fork tender. Drain and cool immediately.
Preheat oven to 400º F. Once potatoes are cooled, cut in half and toss in olive oil, salt and pepper. place potatoes cut-side down on a nonstick baking pan. Bake potatoes for 15 to 20 minutes, until golden brown and crispy. Remove from oven, then sprinkle with parsley.
Bring water to a boil in a large pot. Add spinach and cook until just tender, approximately 30 to 45 seconds. Drain and place spinach into ice water immediately. When spinach is cold, drain and squeeze out excess water. Transfer spinach, basil, cashew cream and nutritional yeast to food processor. Blend until smooth and refrigerate.
In a food processor, process the bread crumbs, sun-dried tomatoes, reserved oil and garlic cloves until well incorporated. Dredge each thawed Gardein cutlet in flour, then dip into the soy milk, and then into the sundried tomato breadcrumbs. Sauté each side until lightly caramelized and crisp.
Plate the hot roasted potatoes and reheated spinach puree on each of the serving plates and top with sun-dried tomato and sun-dried-tomato-crusted Gardein. Garnish with sun-dried tomato and microgreens.
HOT GIRL-ON-VEGETABLE ACTION! Great move, Peta! »
We are getting some bad press these day. First it’s “bacon turns vegetarians into uncontrollable meat-eating machines!” and now it’s “literally fucking produce.” Will no one think of the children? Or the people with self-respect?
There is NOTHING RIGHT with Peta’s “2011 Super Bowl ad,” which is described as “outtakes from last year’s ad’s casting video.” Every goddamn thing about it is offensive, from the disembodied male voice directing the ladies in bikinis to the roughly 1 billion “this looks like a penis!” jokes to the one shirtless dude who has clearly not spent his entire adult-bodied life working out like a fucking fiend acting all hapless, like we needed the extra pandering.
What a joke. What a disgrace. Peta, WHAT THE FUCK. This does not make anyone want to “go veg,” it makes them either want to puke, masturbate, or masturbate and then puke from the shame of having gotten off to some softcore porn masquerading as an anti-animal-cruelty video. Your “skins” campaigns, full of photos of naked attention-hungry omnivores who show up everywhere else in leather and silk? Whatever the hell the women in lettuce bikinis are supposed to represent? The Worst. Why are you such hypocrites? As Deceiver puts it, “How is exhorting young women to get it on with gourds in any way ethical treatment? Are pretty young things not animals as well? Or are there exceptions in the vegan manifesto about how living creatures aren’t to be exploited for our entertainment?”
Honestly! Your non-sexually explicit arms do good work (well, mostly), Peta, but you’re always going to be “those nuts who throw paint on people and take a lot of naked-chick photos” if you don’t cut this out. We vegans and animal-rights activists are SO TIRED of our association with you, it’s SO EMBARRASSING—worse than a dozen birther relatives addicted to Facebook, because at least you can hide those people and deny their “add relative” requests; we can’t hide from your well earned, terrible reputation.
Again, what are “hott chix in bikinis literally fellating zucchini” doing for the animal-rights movement? “I love vegetables so much I actually fuck them” is not the same as “I abstain from all animal products”—why do bunny-eating omnivores understand that better than you, ostensibly strict vegans?
Fire your public relations team. Fire everyone involved in any of your clothes-free ad campaigns. Hire some people with talent* and the good sense not to do anything like this ever again, who won’t make you look like such gross hypocrites. Unless you really all are gross, Dov Charney/Terry Richardson-style exploitative creeps, in which case, just shut the fuck up and leave the talking to the rest of us adults.
*Hints: our Megan Rascal is an advertising genius! (And I am editorially talented and very strict!)
Chipotle, I am skeptical of your “revolución!” »
So, Chipotle is calling for an end to the mistreatment of pigs, and now I feel conflicted.
My attention was alerted to this call to arms by the very excellent Suicide Food Blog, which has written up the Mexican food chain in its Monday, Sept. 20 post. Chipotle has a new ad campaign, and it’s all about feeling good about what we eat. The ad in question is actually printed on Chipotle’s bags and features a hip, hand-drawn-looking manifesto, complete with cute little drawings and flourishes. The text reads:
“¡Viva La Revolución! Okay Pigs, It’s time for us to get together and start fixing this system. We see the way that our pig friends get treated at their factory farms, and it’s time we fight so all pigs can have the same rights we have! No more tight, confining pens! No more antibiotics or non-vegetarian feed!!!!!!!! We can do it! Yours Truly, el Pig”
Now, I’m all for a total pig revolution, and failing that, I’m all for reforms that lead to better lives for pigs, but I’m not sure I buy it coming from Chipotle. As this post on vegan.com points out, major companies that consume a lot of animal product calling for better treatment for pigs is a good thing with the potential to positively impact a lot of piggies’ lives. And that’s all well and good, but a slick, focus-grouped advertisement on a fast-food takeout bag does not an actual, accountable commitment to animal welfare make. Is Chipotle going to use meat only from pigs who were not raised in confining pens and were given vegetarian feed? Who knows!
I find this ad to be more of a call to complacency than anything else, which disturbs me. A major restaurant chain is co-opting revolutionary language and imagery to sell “ethical pork” to what it must know is an uneducated population—how many of Chipotle’s customers know about harmful pig-farming practices, animal welfare issues, or animal agriculture at all.
The Chipotle website dedicates a full section to “Food with Integrity,” which functions basically as their dictionary. According to Chipotle, “Naturally raised” means “raised in a humane way, fed a vegetarian diet, never given hormones, and allowed to display their natural tendencies.” There’s a lot that that warm-n-fuzzy definition doesn’t cover: the contents of the vegetarian diet; how often the pigs are bred; how long they’re allowed to live before being sent to slaughter; and what kind of stockyards and feedlots they are sent to come slaughter-time. By creating their own animal agriculture lexicon, Chipotle gives customers license to feel good about eating their Chipotle pork products without any verifiable reasons to. The company’s ultimate goal is perfectly clear: “We believe pigs that are cared for in this way enjoy happier, healthier lives and produce the best pork we’ve ever tasted.” And there you have it. While Chipotle may want pigs to lead better lives, their bottom line is how good the pigs taste, and that isn’t something I can get behind.
I’m not writing off this campaign completely. As I mentioned, if this move toward more humanely raised pigs is sincere, then it is a good thing; and more than most fast food chains are willing to do. Further, as the vegan.com article points out, sometimes this kind of incremental, populist movement can be the thing that starts people down the road to veganism, and that’s great. Still, though, as a vegan, I’m uncomfortable with trumpeting a corporate happy-meat ad campaign as a real step forward, not to mention that I’d feel like a hella sellout carrying my vegan burrito in one of these cheeseball bags.
Monsanto makes new onion from corn! »
Onion fans, have you ever thought, “Boy, I sure wish this onion didn’t taste like an onion”? Well move right the hell over, endless sea of genetically modified monster corn, because there’s a new crop on the block and it’s comin’ to a (Schnucks) grocer (in St. Louis) near you!
Malevolent dictator Monsanto is proud to introduce the EverMild, a feisty new breed of onion poised to take the world by storm. True to its EverGross name, the EverMildMagicOnion is a milder version of your average, shitty old onion.
“The EverMild was grown and selected to have a mild and sweet flavor,” Danielle Stuart, a spokesperson for Monsanto’s vegetable-seed business, told AOL food blog Slashfood. “They are very versatile, you can use them raw in salads, or roast or grill them. They’re grown domestically in the Pacific Northwest so they will be available in the winter months,” unlike the EverRegular sweet onion Vidalia, which siestas on the moon during winter.
Alarmingly, the EverMildMagicOnion was “developed using good old-fashioned traditional plant breeding techniques.” Is Monsanto selling out??
Fear not, readers; when asked (in an exclusive interview!) what else might be coming down the pipeline, a Monsanto spokesperson told this Vegansaurus contributor, “We’re currently working on an exciting new variety of apple with the texture of cardboard and the flavor of boiled gym socks. We’ve also had our eye on an upstart food science company that’s had great luck producing lettuce that tastes like french fries and corn that spontaneously turns itself into Mountain Dew. It’ll be a landmark year!”
Well, that’s a relief!
Kate lives in the hull of one of San Francisco’s buried sea-faring vessels. It’s dank and dusty down there but she doesn’t mind; she’s got her two cats and a library of science fiction novels to keep her warm. When she’s not worrying about lantern fires and whether Safeway is out of Boont, Kate enjoys obliterating zombies and making vegan nachos. You can find her on Flickr and Twitter.