Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday!  »

You guys, have you been watching this season of Real Housewives of New York? I cannot tear myself away! Allen and I spent all of Sunday watching the third season (we actually can’t stop screaming "You’re a mean girl and you’re in high school! And while you’re in high school, I’m in Brooklyn!" at each other) and are just catching up on the current one. I should be doing something far more important with my time (editing the hell out of my paper, knitting, crying myself into another nap), but since my back is still out and the ibuprofen is flowing freely, I have chosen to spend my time with the insufferable ladies of New York. And I mean insufferable! What annoys Allen the most is that I can’t just yell at the screen like normal people, but instead insist on pausing whatever we’re watching in order to deliver my biting, incisive commentary, which is always something like “THAT IS CRAZY! WHAT JUST HAPPENED! GOD I HATE HER!” This is torture for poor Allen and he tries to take the remote away from me as frequently as possible, but it’s just as torturous for me not to be able to pause and screech whenever I want to!

Speaking of torture, I gotta be real with you for a second here. I don’t know if you know this about me, but I love hamsters. To me, they are the world’s most perfect animal, and I used to decide whether I liked a potential suitor by debating whether I would consider saving them from certain death or playing with my hamsters. Most of the time, the hamsters won out. Anyway, the point here is: Don’t fuck with hamsters! They are awesome! Unfortunately some people don’t get that and insist on incurring my wrath. Take some kids from Santa Rosa, Calif., who recently tortured and killed a hamster at a preschool. I mean, seriously, you guys, who does that? Sure, these kids could be troubled and calling out for help, but I am still super upset that boys between the ages of 11 and 14 not only broke into a preschool and trashed it, but decided to, as a group, torture a defenseless animal. You know, stuff like this should really be included when we think about education reform and parenting education. While it’s common sense to me to teach kids that animals are friends, I understand that this is not something others may consider. You guys, let’s all try to teach at least one kid that torturing animals is wrong this week! That would be awesome!

Here’s another tip: Don’t get high on bath salts and murder goats. Man, why don’t we ever hear about anything good coming out of West Virginia? It’s never all, “West Virginia first state to ban factory farming” or even, “West Virgina: Where animals get petted and hugged!” Instead, all we get is, “Cross-dressing man murders goat while high on bath salts.” Ok, fine, if by “bath salts” you mean “meth,” but that’s not even the issue here. The issue is that some dude kidnapped a goat (man, kidnapped! What an awesome pun), put on a brightly colored bra (or bikini. What are you guys getting from the mug shot?) and killed a goat after allegedly committing sexual acts on it. See? This is why I don’t take baths! A couple of weeks ago, my mom was trying to give me her Dead Sea crystals to relax with and I was all, “Hell, no! What do you want me to do? Murder someone?” Because that is what bath salts are going to do to you. Do you think this will hold up in court? Will the “Bath Salt” defense become famous just like the “Twinkie” defense and the “Wookie” defense?

What about the "I was late for work so I burned down the train" defense? Because that really happened! Some people were late for work and were angry for the delays so they burned down a couple of trains, which, you know, par for the course. Just this morning, MUNI was late in taking me to work, so I took a couple of torches to the N-line so that no one would be able to get to work and so that I would have a better excuse than just “the train was late” when I call my boss from jail. Because that is the normal response to this type of situation.

I guess this week was all about common sense, you guys! Let’s review: Don’t torture animals, don’t snort “bath salts” and rape and murder animals, and for the love of all that is sacred, please don’t burn down any trains on your morning commute!

Send me links for next week and have an awesome Wednesday!

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