BEEF!: nicht für Frauen—unless your Mann gives it to you »
We’ve discussed this idiocy before, how eating meat should make you a real big man, with manly muscles and a manly penis and all those other attributes that make the ladies and lady-dudes just swoon. Worse, as painful as it is to consider our grandparents having to suffer that bullshit in the ’50s, it looks like we’re being subjected to it again. To wit: not only is everybody eating meat, raw meat, but according to some Hamburghers,* beef in particular is a Man’s Food and should be revered as such, in its own magazine with fancy title-punctuation: BEEF! for Men with Taste. Oh Germany, how clever you are. The Double X blog has a tidy little dissection, as it were,** but which doesn’t go far enough—roll your eyes at the disgusting-in-all-senses-of-the-word articles, shake your fist with rage at the “men are chefs, women are cooks” stereotypes, because even when dudes take on kitchen responsibilities it is all fun and games and aren’t they creative with their amaaaazing dinners and photos and knife collections! Ladies, leftovers casserole again? Boring, gross, make me a sandwich and/or pie, bitch! GOD, variations on this joke will never get old.
All of which is, yes, obnoxious in the extreme. Even when everyone’s wearing an apron, someone’s taking His more seriously than Hers—especially when His is covered with aromatic, erotic, freshly butchered lamb’s blood,*** and Hers is caked with rapidly cementing flour-and-dishwater paste. The Editor in Chief of BEEF! says so himself (sample quote: “Women cook because they have to. For the kids who come home hungry at lunch, or in the evening for their partner. Men cook because they want to. Because it’s their hobby, their passion.”) It’s hard in there for a grrrrl.
It’s also hard out there for a dude who doesn’t want to eat meat. He’s not a man’s man, you see; how can he be, if he’s not willing to hunt and kill a meal for you, or at least craft supper out of the murdered remains of a less powerful animal? First you eat your meat to grow up big and strong, and once you are big and strong, you eat meat to prove you’re still at the “top” of the “food chain” (do we think about any other “chains” in terms of “tops” and “bottoms,” by the way?). That’s logic—manly logic! BEEF! logic!! The kind that comes to you after your brain has melted from BSE. Possibly the same that assumes anyone believes any of this anymore. Our favorite ways to insult a vegetable-eater’s looks—“anemic,” “anorexic,” “pale”—are all synonymous with weakness, frailty, the physical opposite of the macho man with his heroic penis and big creative brain. I mean, what do we eat, salads? Not even real food! Certainly not food worth using “Knives to Die For” on!
BUT: What’s the point? BEEF! isn’t really a magazine, in the sense that issues are published with any regularity (the first is dated October 2009; the second is due in May 2010) or that it’s supposed to do anything besides idolize a lifestyle that only ever existed between the pages of Playboy. Maybe with the rise of power German ladies, unemployed German dudes needed to carve out some space for themselves—the world being divided into G.R.O.S.S. members and everyone else—or maybe I shouldn’t have written this response at all, because manufacturing trends is stupid, this magazine’s premise is silly, and meat is fucking disgusting. Given the choice, I’d much rather kiss a man who doesn’t eat meat—ethics are hot, they imply you have a brain.
[For further reading on meat and gender roles, do please visit the Sociological Images blog.]
*SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
**ON FIRE with the wit today. I’m so sorry.
***BARF OK kill me now.