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11/22/2010

OMG, Congress actually DOES something: “Crush” videos banned  »

The impulse to crush and/or smother things that are just too damn precious is a near-universal aspect of the human condition, much like love or pooping. But as anybody whose read John Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men knows, actually following through and smashing attractive things to death is a horrible idea. So horrible, in fact, that Friday the U.S. Senate—which usually can’t do anything right—unanimously approved a ban (already passed by the House) on so-called crush videos, which are basically fetish porn in which a woman’s bare or high-heeled foot stomps a small animal to death.

We here at Vegansaurus aren’t ones to judge (j/k, yes we are!), but this is an obviously ridiculous fetish. Sex involving animals should be limited to those vibrators that look like rabbits or, shudder, furries. At least if you’re not Danish. And even then, there should be mutual consent. 

Despite this seeming like a no-brainer, though, a previous (1999) law that effectively banned the sale, distribution, manufacture, etc., of the videos was struck down by the Supreme Court because its broad scope supposedly infringed on our freedom of speech. While such animal cruelty remained legal even after the Supreme Court’s ruling, existing laws applied more to the videos’ initial production (that is, crushing an animal to death) than their distribution. The new law is more narrow in scope, and exempts videos depicting fishing, hunting, and trapping, because this is America, God bless us and our guns. 

The law’s unanimous passage isn’t a surprise, given that the Republicans’ only desire greater than legislative gridlock is banning everything possible that’s sexually aberrant. Still, in this case, their anti-kinky agenda definitely works out for the best, because, you know, jerking off while watching something die shouldn’t be anyone’s idea of a good time. Ugh.

11/24/2009

This post is about FREE STUFF so who cares if the title is clever?!  »

Everybody knows that the best part of Craigslist (AFTER finding your friends’ personal ads, I mean!) is the “Free” section. After a long day of responding to jobs ads with such exciting names as “Program Coordinator” (please hire me! L.A. area or telecommute! I have many skills!) it’s really refreshing to score a free hamster track from some kind soul in Pasadena or a "massacred cat tree" (totally not as gruesome as it sounds!) in Belmont Heights. Like a vegan after dinner mint for your soul. (Cause those are free, too — see what I did there?!)

EXCEPT for that you can’t chow down on a cat tree or a hamster labyrinth. And that’s where The Farmer’s Garden comes in handy! Vegansaurus reader and master gardener Maureen Farmer decided to take advantage of her badass last name and the power of the internet to help gardeners connect and, more importantly, share their surplus crops with fellow vegetable fans. In other words: FREE FOOD! Right now, for instance, somebody near San Francisco, is looking to get rid of some nice Fuyu persimmons. Get on that shit!

Besides free vegetables and fruits, the site has listing for barters, “food wanted,” and lots of other things. It’s a really awesome idea, so go check it out! But don’t bother looking for crops that induce states of altered consciousness — I couldn’t find a single listing. There goes my night.

11/13/2009

Fucking Obama and his compromise bipartisanship bullshit.  »

Remember when everybody made a big stink about Michelle Obama’s organic vegetable garden? Remember how tons of progressive yuppies thought it was, like, the coolest thing ever? Well, evidently, just because the Obamas don’t want their arugula drenched with hormone-altering chemicals and toxic sludge doesn’t mean that they give a shit about what farmers are allowed to spray on yours.

As Mother Jones (ugh, I know, they’re crazy) reports, Obama has nominated a former high-level lobbyist for the pesticide industry for a key agricultural post. In fact, the nominee hails from the very same organization that launched a series of ridiculous and kind of vicious attacks on Michelle’s little garden. (And the same organization that, under his watch, engaged in secret talks with the EPA to test pesticides on children. I will repeat that: test pesticides on children.

Not like Barack Obama has a stellar record on nominating progressives to key positions dealing with either the environment or food production, but this recent bit of news is especially WTF?!

The lobbyist (oh hey, remember Obama’s campaign promise not to fill key posts with lobbyists?) is expected to be confirmed without any problems. But with a name like “Islam ‘Isi’ Siddiqui,” there’s always a chance that the birthers and Lou Dobbs could unite to run this guy out of Washington. Fingers crossed.

From Ben, who stole it from this girl he has a crush on.

10/22/2009

Michael Moore, the herbivore!?  »

I am totally stereotyping you based on your dietary habits, but I would guess that most of you Vegansaurus readers fall somewhere in the “not retarded” side of the political spectrum. With a notable Ron Paul/libertarian contingent in there somewhere (I’m looking at you, Silicon Valley!) (Also, WTF is wrong with you? That dude is an anti-gay, anti-women’s rights bigot who looks like a living toothpick, and Ayn Rand was a delusional social Darwinist and, more importantly, a crappy writer!). So, what I’m saying is: you should totally go watch the new Michael Moore film!

Capitalism: A Love Story is Moore’s least partisan, most personal, and most common-sense film yet. And also probably the most radical, ‘cause he wants to get rid of the Stock Exchange, but hey—I’m poor and don’t own any stocks so whatevs. I know tons of people who agree with Moore’s ideas love to complain about his way of presenting them, but to you folks I say: uh, if you don’t like your progressive facts sprinkled with humor and blatant expression of the author’s opinion, then why are you reading Vegansaurus?

Anyways, in Moore’s most recent post to his website, “Michael Moore’s Action Plan: 15 Things Every American Can Do Right Now,” he lists 14 things that anybody can do to fight the destructive cycle of corporate greed, and ends with the duh-but-friendly advice, “Take care of yourself and your family.” Among Moore’s recs: get enough sleep, be nice, read books, and eat “mostly plants.” Although Moore doesn’t come out and say that veganism is where it’s at, hey, it’s a start! As Vegansaurus’ head honcho wisely said, “We need to reach out to Moore, not attack him for being a live-action Hamburglar.” Yeah, it’s hard to reach out to someone you can’t even put your arms around, but dude-–the most successful documentary filmmaker in history is advocating a plant-based diet! Woo hoo! There’s been a sort of contentious relationship between Moore and Animal Rights folks because of stuff like this but let’s put that behind us because he can and should be a great ally.

Mad thanks to Ben Pearson for his ability to leave the house and watch movies and report on shit for us. You’re doing better than the rest of us, sir.

09/08/2009

Edible Expeditions at San Francisco Conservatory of Flowers!  »

California is probably the world’s agricultural wonderland. It’s true: if you drive through the Central Valley, there is just as much topsoil in the sky as there is on the ground – the ability to grow crops in the sky is pretty dang impressive, EPA warnings be damned.

But when you live in a state where it seems like you can grow almost anything, it’s easy to forget that there’s actually a lot of things we can’t, or simply don’t, grow here. Not that that keeps us from actually eating these delicious foods, like chocolate, vanilla, yerba mate, and cocaine. It’s just that most of the time, we only get to see them in their pre-packaged form. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I think I was about 21 the first time I realized that chocolate was actually from a plant.

Well, through November 1st, the San Francisco Conservatory of Flowers wants to show you how everything good in life besides sex really does grow on plants, with their Edible Expeditions exhibit, which features many essential imported crop plants, as well as a few varieties which rarely make an appearance on our tables. Here’s the full run-down of all the awesome plants on display: coffee (I love you), chocolate (I love you), taro, curry, rice, longan fruit, the jackfruit (the largest fruit from a tree in the entire world and the inspiration for Juicy Fruit gum), guava, ice cream beans (no, ice cream does not come from plants, sorry!), peach palms, the pineapple (yawn!), yerba mate, the chocolate pudding tree (I saw this performed once at the Folsom Street Fair), bananas, cherimoya (which basically tastes like God), papaya, pacaya (a misspelled papaya), allspice, and vanilla (which comes from a badass, delicious orchid!).

Drooling yet? The Edible Expeditions exhibit is open Tuesdays through Sundays from 9 to 4:30. Visit their website for more info.

Thanks to our vegan gardening expert, Ben, for the heads up! Check out all of his other posts here and LADIES, he’s single. what what!

09/04/2009

Summer Gardening Edition: Very Revealing Hot and Sexy Pictures XXX!  »

Vegansaurus is mostly a San Francisco joint, but everywhere else in the Northern hemisphere, it’s hot. The dudes are stripping off their t-shirts and the ladies are adjusting their bikini straps, many of them baking to the golden color of sweet potato fries. At least in Jersey and Europe, where white people still haven’t discovered sunscreen.

To help you make it through the heat and California’s eternal drought, we’re giving you some vegan eye candy to suck on: hot photos of some of the sexiest reproductive organs to be found on common garden edibles! Big, small, purple, or yellow, these flowers show that growing food isn’t just healthy and practical—it’s like totally superficial, too!

Fragile, pale and tiny, strawberry flowers are all the more attractive because you just know they’re gonna grow up to be sweet and juicy. And if you thought that description was sexually suggestive, you are probably not allowed near public parks or schools.

The blossoms of pumpkins and most winter squash are yellow and big, like a nice beach umbrella or a dude who stuffs his Speedo. Most plants produce more blossoms than squash, so you can pick loads of these to toss raw into salads, sauté, or stuff (GET IT?) and bake.

Fava bean make blooms as numerous as sunburnt German tourists on a Mediterranean beach [ed: zing!], but they’re much smaller and more exotic-looking.

I’ve already raved about borage on this blog: it’s an all-around winner, able to repel insects, provide humans with tasty nutrients, and produce attractive flowers and unique hairy foliage. Basically, if your garden is Baywatch, this is its David Hasselhoff.

Radishes grow to tower over most other crops when they’re blooming, spraying the sky with flowers like a bunch of pretty, colorful kites. Or hot air balloons. Or unicorns.

Yarrow is attractive in a quaint kind of way, like quilts and Vermont. Going with that theme, it’s one of the best flowers for dried arrangements (I totally just lost all of my remaining masculinity by typing that) and is delightful when added to salads and sauces.

Sunflowers need no introduction. They are so good-looking you won’t even know what to do with them, and their seeds are incredibly healthy and by far the easiest edible seed to grow and harvest.

And finally, the ultimate summer crush: look at those paper-thin creamy petals holding that cute fuzzy pistil. This thing is like a freakin’ orchid, except a little more common-looking, so you feel like you can identify with it more, right? But while you there wondering what the heck I’m talking about, this awesome flower already up and left. Yup, these cuties only last one day. What happens then? They turn into this slimy thing nobody really eats called okra that just gets thrown away or gummed by old folks at Hometown Buffet. I totally just summed up life, didn’t I?

OK, that’s it! Remember: You are what you eat, and if you’re eating plants like this, you’re one sexy bitch.

Please welcome back guest writer Ben Pearson. He loves to get (and give!) blow jobs.

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