Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, the sky is falling! The world is ending! We have like two minutes before the sun falls into the Earth and incinerates us! And I had more WTF links this week than I have ever had before. I didn’t even have to go scrounging through the dark alleys of the internet to find something to be angry about, because you brought it right to me! Actually, that may be more of a sign that the apocalypse isn’t happening. Let’s just withhold judgment for now!
First up, dead birds have been falling out of the sky all over the country. There are several explanations for the birds’ deaths. For example, on the science side of things we learn that the birds may have been confused by fireworks (although many are skeptical), hit by lightning, or suffered some other kind of trauma. In fact, mass die-offs (have you ever heard a term more romantic? Thanks, Rachel!) apparently happen fairly regularly and are generally considered to be a fact of life. So what’s different this time? Why are we getting all freaked out? Technology! Before, people knew about the deaths, people sometimes cared, and I imagine that it was probably reported on the local news or whatnot. Now: THE INTERNET! Yes, friends, the www is awesome for getting your porn fix and reading the latest about crazy people, but it is also good for FREAKING YOU THE FUCK OUT! Honestly, with one click you can find something to horrify you on the internet, and with the speed that information is being transmitted and then rewritten by each individual site, it is no wonder that these bird deaths have become a harbinger of doom as opposed to a really sad occurrence. Of course, if this doesn’t work for you, there is another explanation: GOD!
In this video, Cindy Jacobs of Generals Ministries reveals that the massive die-offs are a direct result of the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell repeal. She even has reasons why the birds fell in Arkansas—Clinton!—and suggests that even worse things will happen if this great nation allows homosexuals to marry. I actually didn’t know that God held such stock in American politics, nor that he wasn’t above randomly killing some birds and some fish to get his point across. Also: I know that this has already been said like 5 million times, but why is this woman dressed like Eddie Izzard? What is going on here?
In other news, Americans are still shooting at anything they find strange. Tim sent me an amazing story about how people deal with things they do not know about over in Kentucky. To summarize: Man sees something moving in a field; man does not know what this moving thing is; man shoots the thing; and people speculate on the strange thing’s identity. I cannot honestly do this article justice (congratulations, Tim!) because the farmer interviewed has produced one of the most frightening quotes I have ever read.
"I just happened to walk out on the porch and saw something moving in the field and it just looked unusual…. Well, it’s something strange, so I got my rifle to shoot it, get a closer look. And I’m glad I did, ‘cause I don’t know what it is."
This is just the American Way, right? Shoot first and ask questions later. The most interesting part of this article is that the “Chupacabra-like” animal wasn’t even doing anything—the guy had to look through binoculars to see it and then he just decided to shoot it to get a closer look. I wonder how these people feel now that they know that the strange evil being was actually just a bald raccoon. Regardless, I doubt that they’re going to feel much remorse, as scientists agree that the “thing” was “hideous.” Way to go, human race!
That’s all for this week! Next week, we get angry about horse abuse, zebra shootings, and anything else that you guys send my way. Please email me links for next week and have an awesome Wednesday—just don’t look too strange!
Want to work for minimum wage creating crappy food? Well, we’ve got a job for you in Florida! Oh no, NOT YOU, FATTY. This job isn’t for chubalubs because you see, it’s a small kitchen and you’re in the public eye! BACK OF THE BUS FOR YOU, TUBBY! That is, if the bus can sustain your fat ass!
Good to see that such compassionate people are spreading the veg message. Makes us all look super welcoming and not at all fucking insane. Also, I like how you’re supposed to TEXT MESSAGE for an interview? Seems super legit, these people obviously know how to run a business!
Now please excuse me while I go text them some SSBBW nudies! They’re gonna be ass deep in naked fat chicks (and dudes!) by 4 pm PST.
UPDATE: The name of this Cafe is Leafy Greens. Here is their Yelp page, feel free to leave a shitty review.
Post-election fallout: Some people just don’t get it »
NO. No, fighting for animal rights and fighting for human rights are not mutually exclusive battles. As a volunteer for the Prop. 2 campaign in San Francisco, I can say it took a lot of convincing to get people on our side, whereas the No on 8 signs appeared in windows citywide seemingly overnight. No one I know voted for Prop. 8, and we are all extremely upset over its apparent passage.
BUT Prop. 2 is groundbreaking legislation, and farm animals deserve the freedoms this is going to give them. Locking up chickens six-to-eight to a cage for their entire lives is unacceptable. It’s inhumane and disgusting, and this election proved that a majority of California voters finally believe that too.
It is too easy to ignore the treatment of animals raised for food—animals no one thinks of as “cute,” they live in their own filth, when their limbs break they stay broken—but in the nation’s largest agricultural state, we have now promised to pay attention. Prop. 2 gives a voice to the voiceless food animals, without altering the fundamental relationship most people have with them.
Gay people have voices, and advocates. We will fix this. If Prop. 8 does pass, it will be challenged in the courts, and a proposition overturning it will go on the 2010 ballot, and Californians will recognize gay marriage again, for the third and FINAL time. I am sorry that the No on 8 campaign was unsuccessful; it certainly wasn’t for a lack of money or sponsorship: PG&E, Levi’s, Google, Apple—major corporations came out against it, as did the papers, and the celebrities, and everyone with a heart and a brain. It shouldn’t have passed, but it did.
You might say the same thing about Prop. 2, except that the Humane Society ran its campaign extremely well, and the workers and volunteers were tireless, and we ultimately succeeded. Maybe because we felt the odds against it passing were so great, HSUS knew not to give up to let up; maybe opponents felt that the odds of Prop. 8 passing were so small, it didn’t seem like they had to fight it as hard as we proponents did.
Never think that animal rights activists value animal rights over human rights. Consider that what we want is equality on a much greater scale; we want a society where all beings can live free from violence and hunger and hatred. Personally, I give my time to animals and my money to people, and I feel all right with that division. Maybe, instead of railing against the citizens who were so good as to pass Prop. 2 voting “for the cute animals,” you the outraged might give your time and money to the new fight against Prop. 8. I’m sure it’s needed.
I went and ate a bunch of chicken with Ed tonight and I was really exhausted from eating so much celebration food that I came home and spaced out in front of episodes of Picket Fences on my computer and tried to decompress. I don’t know if this point has been brought up or not, and I’m sure it probably has by this late hour, but I feel like I gotta say something:
It appears that the ban on gay marriage is going to get passed, as well as Prop 2, which as Spiegs put it is basically asking that we give chickens “more legroom”.
What this tells me, California, is that you value the life of a chicken that was breed for your consumption more than you do about equal rights for your fellow man. Uh, hey guys? That’s fucking retarded.
No, I mean. I get it. Animals are cute. When you were voting to pass Prop 2, you were thinking “Oh, yeah. Well, I like animals. Sure!” But it’s about more than that, as is banning gay marriage. Voting no on the ban was not about letting the homos catch up to you and possibly beat you in the race of life, you fucking bigots. It was about preventing permanent restrictions on our rights. If you can’t look outside of yourself to find a reason to care, think about a right that you have been afforded as a citizen of this country being taken away from you because you are a part of any marginalized group. If that’s the kinda thing we’re into, then I want to ban all James Francos from boning any not mes.
Anyway, people are fucking idiots, but it’s OK. We have a black president, I have Sour Patch Kids.