Recipe: Vegan mac ‘n’ cheesecakes!  »

So yesterday, Jonas sent me a link to this video on the New York Times website. It features Kenny Shopsin, this fabulous cursing muppet dude—basically,  Bruce Vilanch done over as a truck stop chef; seriously, watch the video, this guy’s the best*—making something that blew my mind: MAC ‘N’ CHEESE PANCAKES! I knew I had to have them for dinner, if not right now! So, last night, we fried up a big batch of mac ‘n’ cheesecakes and some Match Meat Italian Sausages!

Here is what we did. Follow these directions TO THE LETTER. I am unyielding.

First, pour yourself a Crown and water, on the rocks. If you skip this step, everything else will suck.

Next, you need to boil up some macaroni. Or whatever pasta you want, really. I didn’t have enough macaroni last night and so I used some spiral pasta too. I AM A REBEL! When the pasta is cooked al dente then you drain and stir in a little olive oil. Set aside.

Then, grate some cheese into a bowl. I suggest Teese or Follow Your Heart, if those options are available to you. If they’re not, either 1) move the fuck away from whatever Podunk town you’re dying in or b) just kill yourself with a block of veganrella. I think just trying to eat the whole thing should do it.

Set the bowl of macaroni and the bowl of cheese close to the stove so you can reach them easily for assembling your pancakes! And now you need to make pancake batter. I suggest:

  • 1 cup flour [experiment with different kinds. I used whole wheat last night but I think chickpea could be good!]
  • 1 Tbsp. vegan sugar
  • 2 Tbsp. baking powder
  • ⅛ tsp. salt [I would mess around with types of salt here: kosher, truffle, etc.!]
  • 1 cup soy [or almond/rice/hemp/coconut/human breast] milk
  • 2 Tbsp. vegetable oil

First mix the dry ingredients together. When that’s done, start your griddle (that word literally makes my mouth water) on high so that it gets super-hot. Go back to your batter and mix in your wet ingredients. DO NOT OVER-MIX, over-mixing will kill your fluffy mac ‘n’ cheesecakes and you will be all :-(. Next, add some Earth Balance to your griddle and wait until it melts and is kinda bubbly. Then, you want to add enough batter for the size pancake that you want. I wanted one the size of a crop circle but Jonas was cooking so.

Let it cook for about a minute and then put a couple tablespoons of the macaroni in the middle of the pancake and immediately top that with a bunch of cheese. Using a thin metal spatula, quickly turn the pancakes and gently tap to make them uniform in thickness. Cook until golden, about two minutes. Serve, macaroni-side up, with Earth Balance and warm maple syrup. HELLO DELICIOUS!

This photo is with a Match Meat patty we grilled up to go with our mac ‘n’ cheesecakes. Yes, I know it looks like Pizza the Hut. SHUT UP, IT TASTED DELICIOUS.

If you’re feeling adventurous (read: extra-gluttonous), make it vegan heart-attack-style by crumbling some fake sausage (we used the Match Meat Italian Sausage) and throwing it on top of the macaroni, before the cheese. That was our best pancake; a Hamburger Helper pancake. We dubbed it über-pancake, the Cheesy Beef Cake; it won the Blue Ribbon at my State Fair in Fatlandia, pop. All the Awesome Fat People.


*Please be sure to check out the menu for Shopsin’s General Store as well. It is insane but actually includes a few vegan items! But don’t order from the menu or you will get thrown out!

[photos by the cooks]


Review: Mission Street Food cart!  »

Mission Street Food is a most delicious little cart that sets up once a week (details below) to serve you some of the most delicious flat bread sandwiches ever known to man (me + you) or beast (i’ll get to this later). There are three sandwich selections—I expect they’ll expand the menu and maybe even how many nights a week they are out there based on the popularity of their first two weeks—two of which can be made vegan with small adjustments. The $5 King Trumpet is wild mushrooms, triple-fried potatoes (YES PLEASE!), roasted garlic, and scallion sour cream (gross, omit!) on fresh made flat bread. Now, I’m not even a mushroom fan and this sandwich made me sofuckinghappy. It is a must-try. The other is the $4 Mission Melt which is roasted peppers, melted cheese (omit!%


Review: El Farolito!  »

I believe this is the best burrito in San Francisco. This is, of course, a hotly debated topic and honestly, I don’t care what anyone else has to say, they’re all a bunch of fucking morons. El Farolito is the best, even if it comes with a side of hep C. And it does. Seriously, this place is not the cleanest. AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT USE THE BATHROOM. I can’t say anything more but I’ve seen things. Things no man should have to see. I was in the shit, if you will. And I mean that. Also, watch them when they make your burrito to make sure everything is prepared away from and free of meat and cheese products—these fools already think you’re insane for not ordering a taco with a TONGUE in it so you know, do not trust them. In fact, that is a good lesson in life. Trust no one. Except me. Trust me. I would never steal your identity and sleep with your man. By the way, this is you writing from in bed with my man. Hi!!!!

Anyway, El Farolito is the rare place where the food is just as good when you’re sober as it is when you’re drunk. That being said, I would never dine in. I’m a lady and this is no place for a lady. That being said, I’m the drunk redhead in the back most Thursday nights.

DIETER WARNING: one $4.95 super vegetarian burrito (the rice, the black beans, and the whole pinto beans are vegan!) sans cheese and sour cream add extra avocado is your entire day’s caloric intake. This means for the rest of the day, you will be forced to eat celery (THIS IS THE RARE FOOD THAT BURNS CALORIES WHEN YOU ARE EATING IT OR SO I’VE BEEN TOLD I HAVE NEVER REALLY DONE ANY RESEARCH I JUST BLINDLY CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IT!) and your own fingernails. Delicious. Please note, it is entirely worth it.

Three taqueria locations in the Mission: one on Mission Street at 24th Street; one on 24th Street between Alabama and Harrison Streets; and one further out on Mission Street at France Street, in an area called “Mission Terrace.” There is also one in South San Francisco and one in Oakland! Most locations are open crazy-good hours too, from like 10 a.m. to 4 a.m. everyday. Actually, some locations might be until 2 a.m. but I think that’s right. In a city where late-night dining options are harder to find than Bruce Vilanch in a woman’s vagina, that’s pretty awesome. Actually, I guess it’s hard to find Bruce Vilanch doing it with a dude either. I mean, fool be lookin’ like 15 Fraggles stapled together! I love this guy but I worry about his love life.

Oh fuck it, one more for old times’ sake:
Talk about a face only a mother could love! Only a mother and ME! Please, someone date this guy, he is so wonderful.

[el farolito photo via yelp; bruce vilanch image via the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara]

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