Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, spring break is over for another year. I spent all of last week working on things that I didn’t have time for and then recovering for three days because Allen and I chose to go see The Hunger Games at the midnight opening instead of waiting a couple of days to see it at a reasonable hour.
That shit was off the hook (pardon my French!), and I am delighted to tell you that Allen and I loved it! (I know, it wasn’t word-for-word, but I have all the books and can re-read them whenever I want.) Allen was incredibly embarrassed the entire time (as usual) as I insisted on making conversation with the other people in line, and then screaming “Every man for himself!” as I pushed past groups of schoolgirls to get good seats. One young lady got confused, ran into a pole, and rolled into the entrance. In the spirit of the event, I shouted “Stop slowing me down!” as I jumped over her, but was later chastised by Allen for not being nice to children…at a movie about children killing children. However, when I brought this up to him, he just shook his head and went to buy popcorn, leaving me to contemplate my own horridness.
Due to this movie (and all the dystopian fiction I read), I do not have a positive view of the future. I think the fact that the Denver Zoo has come up with a car that runs on poop is an omen that we are only years away from sending our children into an arena to bludgeon each other with bricks. A car that runs on poop, you guys. How does that even happen? More importantly, why am I so upset and worried that it is only a short time before Allen is forcing me into a high-fiber diet so that he can drive me around. Can you imagine the smell? Why does the article not mention the smell? Do you think there might be a smell? Can you imagine hipsters pooping into buckets in order to ride motorized bikes? Why am I so obsessed with poop? Why can’t I stop?
Here’s a question: How do snakes poop? I have never considered this before, but then I read about this dude who had 400 snakes in his house, and I started thinking about whether snakes produce pellets or, uh, goo. Also: Why are snakes so scary? I am sure they do not want to eat me, but I remember my second grade teacher reading us a book about a boa constrictor eating a kid, and I didn’t know English too well and didn’t understand that it was fiction. That was a horrible year for me.
Something that isn’t poop but is super-gross anyway is Alicia Silverstone feeding her baby like a bird and then posting the video online in (I assume) a desperate attempt to stay relevant past the mess that was Excess Baggage. That was her worst movie—until this monstrosity. Listen, do whatever it is that you like with your obviously distressed kid, but do not post it online. That means you too, Jennifer Coburn, and that one mom who starved her seven-year-old and wrote about it for Vogue.
That’s it for this week! Please send me links for next week and have a Wednesday not fraught with thoughts about poop!
[photo by Eric Bégin via Flickr]
A new study finds that greenhouse gas emissions from the UK’s meat and cheese trades add up to half of all the emission’s from Britain’s cars. Translation: If everyone goes vegan, it’ll have the same effect as if everyone drove half as much. Or half of everyone drove the same amount. Or one quarter of people drove twice as much. See, math is fun!
Some more numbers (quoted from The Independent), because I know you can’t get enough of them:
"[Fresh] meat has a carbon footprint at the checkout of 17kg of carbon dioxide per kilogram. Cheese has 15kg. Cooked meats are also high at 11kg per kilogram, with bacon at 9kg. Exotic vegetables* and mushrooms are high, largely because of freight and hothouse heating costs. Wine** has a carbon footprint of 2kg per kilogram, and potatoes, apples, milk, bread and cereals are under 2kg. Home baking comes in at just over 2kg."
*What counts as an exotic vegetable in England? Do they find our American stuff like blueberries exotic? Wait, that’s a fruit. Chayote? Yucca? Kabocha squash? Stop exoticizing our vegetables, England!
**I think that means wine is better for the environment that home baking? Also wait, are they saying it’s better to buy your bread than to make it? That’s confusing. DAMN YOU SCIENCE YOU ARE COMPLICATED!
The Humane Society has a car donation program, One Car One Difference, where you can donate a car (in any condition) and they will auction it off and use the proceeds for their anti-dog fighting efforts. Cool program but REALLY I’m posting this because that pic is just totally adorable! Isn’t it? The dog is all, “OMG YOU’RE SO AWESOME I LOVE YOU TELL ME MORE.”
But wait, there’s more cuteness. They have this adorbs story about a little boy and his pit:
Terrance and Elmo diverted from dogfighting
Elmo was about to be sent into the horrific world of dogfighting. His master, then 11-year old Terrance, had seen it before and didn’t understand that it was wrong. It was just what you did with your dogs.
But Elmo and Terrance are no longer on a path to dogfighting. In fact, they are now prime examples of how The Humane Society of the United States is ending dogfighting, one dog owner at a time.
Star students at dog training school
"When I first got Elmo, I was thinking about dogfighting," says Terrance, now 13. "Then I ran into a man with a dog and a dog training school."The man was from HSUS’ End Dogfighting program. He changed Terrance’s attitudes and behavior, and helped prevent Elmo from becoming a tragic victim.
Terrance continues. “I taught Elmo how to sit and stay and be a well behaved dog. Instead of teaching him the wrong thing, going out there and killing another dog, I’m teaching him the right thing, and encouraging him to be a good dog. He doesn’t mistreat me, and I don’t mistreat him.” The young dog trainer and responsible dog owner concludes, “Be great with your dog, and no dogfighting!”
Holy cannoli try not to die of adorable overload.