Holy Cranberry: Six Reasons to Be Thankful You’re a Vegan this Thanksgiving  »

I think I saw a live Turducken today. I am as good at IDing woodland creatures as a former Ranger Rick reader can be, and that bird quacked like, but was so not a duck…oh, John Madden, what hath thou wrought? Clearly meat-stuffed-meat enthusiasts have figured out a way to grow this…”delicacy.”

Already spooked by the foul ghost of Thanksgiving fowl, I come home to this: Thanksgiving Turkey Substitutes: The Least Appetizing Choices on HuffPost Green.

Whoa, whoa heeeyyy now! I thought we were all pals here?

"Wacky alternatives"? "Bizarre foods"? Not "all turkey substitutes look particularly appetizing"?

God bless us all and to each our own choices but APPETIZING?!? Hey, you know that plastic baggie of guts that comes in your turkey? That neck that looks like a skinned phallus? Mmmmm can’t wait ‘til the button tops on that goodness. Ew. Maybe those making sauce of boiled innards shouldn’t throw—OMG YOU GUYS THAT NECK THING IS SO SICK.

That said, what’s a few disparaging pics of Tofurky between friends? It’s the spirit of the season to forgive, give thanks, (and make lists), so here it is:

Heck YES I’m Thankful to Be a Vegan on Thanksgiving!

  • We make awesome dinner guests. Good vegans have learned the fine art of asking what they can bring to alleviate the burden of cooking vegan on a host who might not know how—so we never show up empty handed, and we’ll probably introduce you to something new and more delicious than another green bean casserole. (I am not hating on green beans. Green beans are people too.)
  • We pardon ALL the turkeys. Gobble. You’re welcome.
  • No after-dinner tryptophan coma means we can do the dishes, beat you at touch football, and have more room for pie. PIE.
  • A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving? Easily vegan.
  • Want to turn green? Think about this: Turkeys produce 130 times as much doody as the entire human race. Not good for anyone’s environment.
  • While there are still “ooh vegan weirdos Tofurky WHAT?” sentiments out there, there are also growing voices of vegan sanity out there—the louder, the prouder, the more it’s talked about, and the more varied reasons people have for ditching meat, the more we’ll ALL have to be thankful for.

Why are you thankful? Pass the mashed potatoes and Happy Thanksgiving.

PS: Giblets is the cutest word for the grossest thing. Also? Nut loaf rules.

This is an article in a recurring series, The Vegan Diplomat; The Art and Politics of Being Vegan in any Situation Society Throws on Your Plate, brought to us by the lovely Zoë Stagg. Zoë writes about politics, pop culture, and social media. She went cold-tofurkey—total omnivore to vegan on Apr. 26, 2006 and never looked back. Despite her rural upbringing and the fact that her dad may have wanted her to enter the Dairy Princess pageant in high school, she firmly believes in the conservative nature of veganism. Her last non-vegan meal was a Turkey Lean Pocket. Ew.

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