Jerk soccer player kills owl  »

God, somebody hold me. This is THE WORST: Soccer player Luis Moreno KICKS the injured owl mascot of the opposing team in this Colombian league game. The owl ultimately died. Here’s the video:

[Can’t see the video? Watch it on]

You can hear the crowd—they’re pissed. Dude, he kicks it like it’s a piece of trash on the field! WTF? It’s a living, breathing being! And the owl doesn’t just get kicked, it gets kicked by a professional soccer player. Like getting punched by a boxer! This makes me so mad. At least he’s getting in trouble: “Moreno could now be facing a spell of several months in jail and a fine.” Of course this is just a “could” but at least people are angry about it. I hope he gets benched—in hell!

I always thought soccer was the sport for the anti-jock. I asked my soccer-enthusiast brother, WTF? Here’s what he had to say: “In the rest of the world, soccer players are the meatheads. Sorry to break it to you. In the U.S., it’s more the alternative sport but in Europe and stuff it’s like all the football, baseball, basketball, lacrosse, hockey dudes in one!” GROSS!

Silver lining: Moreno’s team LOST. Ha. I like what this player on the other team had to say: “‘It made me very angry that he kicked the little animal,’ said Atletico Junior player Luia Paez, who scored one of the goals in Atletico’s 2-1 victory. “It was already injured by being struck by the ball. I said a bunch of awful things to him (Moreno). I was really angry.’” That makes me feel slightly better just because I hate when something like this happens and everyone is apathetic. The fact that people are upset gives me a tiny bit of hope that people aren’t all awful. Moreno es un coño! Lo odio!


Hello, Friends! It’s WTF Wednesday!  »

Man, kids these days. Remember when the awesome college part-time job was waiting tables or bartending or working in a video store (personal favorite!)? And remember when KFC wasn’t paying coeds $500 a pop to hand out fliers while wearing pants with “Double Down” emblazoned on their “buns”?  Yeah, me too! So WHAT HAPPENED? KFC has been struggling as of late (apparently they lost 7 percent of revenue in the last year?) and it turns out that their target audience can’t even recognize the Colonel anymore. So instead of thinking “Dude, our problem is that our food is super-gross and also unfit for consumption, so maybe we should get rid of that monstrosity we introduced last year and rethink our horrible horrible menu as well as our choice to be known as chicken murderers,” they decided that their best course of action was to rent ad space on the behinds of college women. This is bad for several reasons. Number one: STOP KILLING CHICKENS! Number two: This is hella sexist. Why do you have to advertise on lady lumps? That is degrading! Number three: Goddamn, are those pants ugly and ill-fitting. KFC is desperately trying to sell “fun and sexy” but is coming up with “fire-engine-red wedgie.” NO ONE WANTS ANY OF THAT! Thank god some colleges are against this, but it really makes you wonder exactly what’s going through the minds of the college deans (deans are like principals, right?) [Ed: Sometimes! Depends on the structure] who do allow this on their campuses. Probably nothing good.

Here’s another thing that’s wrong with today: Hog Out Month in Texas. Have you guys heard about this? Apparently Texas is SOOOOOO overrun with feral hogs that its department of agriculture has decided that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. In fact, the department (run by the delightful Todd Staples) is not only encouraging people to go out and take vengeance on these monsters that destroy farmland, parks, and GOLF COURSES (I knew we would get there eventually), but is actually offering grants to spur the Texas counties into a veritable Hogocaust. They’re giving away cash prizes! Let trappers onto your land to turn it into a grisly bloodbath, and your county could win up to $25,000! It’s not just for money, though. It’s a challenge! Like in fifth grade, when you were supposed to read 20 books over the summer and then you would get a free book from the library? Just like that! Except with less reading and more muffled squeals of anguish. And the smell of burning flesh.

But sometimes, JUST SOMETIMES, good things happen. Usually it’s all fire and brimstone, though, and things that make me toss and turn in bed at night. Which is unfortunate because Allen thinks we have bedbugs now, so every time I accidentally kick him as I am pondering the plight of the human race and the cruelty we all visit upon the animals and each other, he wakes up and insists that a bedbug has bitten him. And then he gets the flashlight. I hate it when he gets the flashlight. Anyway, GOOD THINGS. On Oct. 3 Colombia celebrated World Animal Day for the first time, and over 500 people marched through the streets to stand up against the mistreatment of animals. This video is awesome, and what’s even more awesome is the closing message: “Even though animals cannot speak, they deserve love and respect.” Why can’t we all just get along?

That’s it for this week! Please leave suggestions for next week in the comments, or email me. Have an awesome Wednesday!

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