VEGAN COMEBACKS! by Noah and Amanda »
Sometimes you have to deal with stubborn meat-eaters who want nothing other than to lull you back to the dark side with promises of charbroiled cow anus and bacon flavored chicken dick. What follows is a template for a conversation with a stubborn Meat Nazi that you can use as a reference if ever you need a snappy vegan comeback!
Asswipe: You’re a vegan? So you’re some fruity little malnourished pansy-pants?
You: No, I’m not. I get all my protein and vitamins from natural sources and I’m pretty healthy.
AW: But, animals were put on this earth so we could eat them.
Y: You don’t have a problem with the notion that a sentient creature exists solely so it can be murdered and devoured by another?
AW: Um, I guess that sucks, but we’re made to eat meat, man!
Y: Whatevs, meat rots in your body for days and makes you smell.
Aw: Um, I don’t smell.
Y: Yeah, YOU DO.
AW: Well, I had this friend that went vegan and he was always sick.
Y: Yeah right, who would want to be friends with YOU?
AW: Granted but, well, it sucks that you don’t get to get your grub on with ‘tarded-good food like cheezburgers and ho-hos.
Y: Son, you better mind those flappin’-ass gums. Know what I’m saying? Don’t make me act a fool and slice your pretty ass up three ways. Now gimme the money.
AW: Whoa man, I’m sorry, I was just trying to have a conversation. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.
Y: (This is where you stop talking already, get your mug on real mean, grab a crowbar from out of your pants, and make him give you his ATM card and PIN. Then you can use his money to buy some sick-saucy boots.)
Amanda and Noah are an adorable Vegansaurus-reading couple who live in San Francisco and do things like blogging, screenwriting, DJing, enjoying libraries, dog-owning, and vegan food partying, like pretty much
all the insufferable hipsters everyone else we know. Perf! Their first guest post is totes the bomb dot com. <3