Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, last week was a long week. I can’t believe I’m saying that, as I had Monday and most of Wednesday off, but you can’t really count the Fourth of July as a day off because it is exhausting. If you’re not hopelessly trying to avoid all the drunk and disorderly people on the highway, you’re waking up from the sound sleep you fell into at the reasonable hour of 9 p.m. and screaming, “It’s the apocalypse!”
True story: I hate fireworks. I only go to Disneyland when I know they’re not going to happen, and if I have to see fireworks up close and personal, I am always the person huddled on the ground praying that I’m not accidentally ignited by the flames. Once, when I was living on my own, I was enjoying a movie on my laptop when I started hearing these horrifying sonic booms. Because I am a completely rational human being, I was immediately certain that San Francisco was under attack. No idea who would be attacking us at 8 p.m. on a Saturday night, just certain it was happening. In my haste to save humanity, I immediately called my mother and told her to hide, and ran outside (smart, right?) to see if there were any other survivors. What I found was a block full of people standing outside and smiling up at the sky. Continuing my logic, I was sure that these people were either trapped by some mind-ray I was immune to or in hysterics, and I cautiously approached my next door neighbor.”I heard it, but we seem to be fine. Is anyone hurt?” I said. My neighbor, to his credit, just pointed at the sky and said “Mark, those are fireworks,” in a slow and nonthreatening manner. God, I hate fireworks. You know what? Fireworks are assholes. Corgis, according to the internet, are also assholes.
I didn’t know this because I generally think they’re pretty cute, but then Allen pointed out that Corgis are not only assholes but out to ruin this awesome new streak of marriage equality. Why you gotta do that Corgis? What gays ever do to you? You know what, Corgis? Only gays and rich people adopt you, and the rich people who adopt you are usually gays. I have to be honest, this website is really making me look at Corgis in a different light. I am usually not a hater of any breed, but I cannot get down with any animals that are not down with marriage equality. Or animals that pee in pools. Or animals that bring wine to AA meetings. And I can definitely not get behind dogs that dress as KKK members. You guys, I didn’t even know this was happening. This is why I mainly stick with hamsters, who would never discriminate on the basis of race, creed, or sexual orientation.
Apparently, Moths don’t discriminate either, choosing to now spend their time not only scaring people when they float out of closets like evil harbingers of doom, but also crawling into the ears of children in order to cause them stress, fear, and a glimpse of mortality. Let me be clear with you on one point: if a moth, or any other bug for that matter, crawls into your ear, go immediately to the emergency room. Do not pass go. Do not try to flood your ear with water in order to drown the moth in your cavern of earwax. Moths are stubborn, and as a 12-year-old in Denver learned, they cannot be killed with water. When the boy’s mother finally took him to the emergency room, the doctors had to pull the moth, still alive mind you, from his ear where it had decoded that it would take up permanent residence. Doesn’t this remind you of that horrible story we all heard as kids about spiders laying eggs inside people’s faces? Thanks, internet, now I will never be able to sleep again.
That’s it for this week! Please send me links for next week and have a safe and bug-free Wednesday!
Top 10 links of the week: a hoverboard adventure through veganism! »
Guess what! Ecorazzi tells us that fewer dogs and cats are being euthanized in the United States! Holler! Go spay and neuter programs, get your progress on!
The Humane Society is having an event in D.C. next weekend! You should go!
Remember that awful pig farm video? It got Safeway and some others to stop buying pigs from that supplier! One down, a zillion to go.
On July 28, Animal Planet is going to show a Gulf Oil Spill special! Let’s watch it and get depressed. Stone cold bummer.
“Grizzly Bear In Yellowstone National Park Was Just Protecting Cubs, Say Park Rangers.” Yay park rangers! Huffpo has the story.
Fish are totally eating a shit-ton of plastic. What can we do? What do you do to reduce your plastic usage? I need help.
Over at Grist, read about “The Most Important Fish in the Sea” and how Virginia is a jerk.
Chick-Fil-A says it’s cow appreciation day? And that means we should eat chicken? Hardy har har!
The Telegraph has some super-funny animal pictures by photographer Joanne Williams! See monkey below.