Product Review: Silk Soy Creamer  »

I love my coffee. I love my coffee more than any other warm beverage that ever was, and that is all right: it is counteracting the effects of my occasional use of aluminum-ful antiperspirant; I am NEVER GETTING ALZHEIMER’S AND WILL BE SHARP-MINDED FOREVER. Science SAYS SO.

Once upon a time I was employed at an office where work started at 7 a.m., and I would spend all morning drinking black coffee with little tabs of Splenda in it. Disgusting; it made breakfast entirely unappetizing, let me tell you. Really, it made coffee unappetizing, after a while, and what is the point of eating or drinking anything if you aren’t enjoying it? Obviously, and I’ve said this a million times before, there is no point. If you don’t like it, don’t eat it. This is why I take my coffee with Silk Soy Creamer.

When I lived in Germany, I drank a lot of latte macchiatos (macchiati?), which is a latte made by steaming the milk first and dumping the espresso or coffee in second, so it makes a mark in the foam, and lovely stripes of liquids in the glass—always a glass, the aesthetics are wasted in a mug. Like all coffee drinks, a latte macchiato can be a delicious thing, and I never had a bad one in Germany—then again, I did not have any made with soy milk, either, only full-fat or 2 percent cow’s milk, nice and thick and sweet and creamy. I have not had cow’s milk since coming back from Germany in 2005, and while I loved the taste, the treatment of dairy cows and their calves is abhorrent and not worth drinking milk, even from “happy” cows on special little farms who aren’t dosed with rBGH or tortured for their entire lives. We already know: milk cows must be pregnant to produce milk, and there is a 50 percent chance they’ll have male calves, which will never give milk, and are usually sold to veal farmers, hooray. You drink milk, you support veal: the link is undeniable, and was a serious reason for me to stop drinking it.

Still, I want milk in my coffee, and most nondairy milks just don’t cut it the way fatty cow’s milk does. Silk Soy Creamer, being a creamer, is thickened with tapioca starch and carrageenan, contains a little more sugar than your standard soy milk, and like all Silk products, is made of U.S.-grown, genetically unmodified soybeans. I promise, Silk has never offered nor given me any complimentary products; I just really like this creamer. Some prefer a thinner creamer, but if I just wanted to milk up my coffee, I’d use the nondairy milk I already drink by the glass and put in my cereal. The point of creamer, for me, is milk-ening, thickening, and sweetening, and Silk’s creamer performs those three tasks better than any other nondairy creamers I’ve tried.  Moreover, because it’s so thick and sweet— but don’t get me wrong, it’s not dulce de leche or condensed milk here, it does pour—you need to use much less of it to achieve the same effect you might with regular nondairy milk and sugar. I use a ton of it (especially with this coffee I have now, it tastes so goddamn burnt no matter the beans:water ratio) and it still takes me a month to get through a quart.

It’s always disappointing when a restaurant with vegan choices doesn’t have soy creamer for the coffee. It doesn’t have to be Silk brand—shoot, if you want to hand me a little pitcher of any old nondairy milk I will gladly take it. The point is, go all the way! Give us nondairy creamer (and nondairy cheeses, while you’re at it)! When you want milkier coffee, adding a bunch of sugar-in-the-raw does not make it better. Offer us some liquid to add to it, please, we aren’t all Señors Machos Solos, with our iron-clad stomachs and coal-black hearts. Whatever, you know what I mean.

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