vegansaurus!

06/13/2013

Product Review: Sacha Vida Gelatinized Maca fuels your vegan libido!  »

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No animals were hurt in the making of this maca. Photo via Sacha Vida.

Back when I was part of a raw food group out in the middle-of-nowhere Arizona desert, I learned that offering up a maca-laden smoothie was the most expedient and reliable way to getting into another raw foodist’s unisex hemp kilt. To be fair, maca’s aphrodisiac effects may be placebo in nature and we were all pretty bored out there, but the stuff still tastes amazing and has other great nutritional properties!

I didn’t know this, but a lot of people say maca is good for your stamina, hormones, energy levels, memory, and even your immune system and fertility! Zing! I recently tried a complimentary batch of Sacha Vida’s new gelatinized maca, which, despite the ground-dead-animal-hoof connotations of its name, is completely vegan! “Gelatinized” refers to the process the maca undergoes to remove the hard-to-digest starches, making it smooth smoothie sailing!

Highly delicious, no tummy problems to report, and I’m now ready for some kilt-jumping. Who’s with me?

Right now, Vegansaurus readers receive 30 percent off all products on Sacha Vida’s website by using the coupon code “vegansaurus”. Get on it, y’all!

12/21/2010

Product review: Zenergy Power Balls!  »

First, let’s get it out of the way. Phew, I feel better already. Now, down to business.

Zenergy Power Balls are the tasty energetic brain child of Peggy Sue Honeyman-Scott. Basically, they’re a healthy snack alternative that are raw, vegan, gluten-free, and totally organic. Honestly, they are really incredibly good for you and if you ate only Zenergy Power Balls for the rest of your life, you’d probably live to be as old as Joan Rivers (NOBODY knows how old she is, not even her. Especially even her). They’re dates and nuts that have been rolled up sprinkled with goodness like maca, mesquite, and “Chinese herbs.” I thought they’d be disgusting but they weren’t! They were actually quite tasty. I wouldn’t crave them as one might crave a cookie, but also, cookies aren’t a superfood. Snacks like this sometimes confuse me because hey, if you want a cookie, eat a freaking cookie, there’s no need to punish yourself with a Frookie. On the flip side, if you want to eat something healthy, have an apple, you know? But actually, these things are somewhere between and I can imagine would be an excellent post- or pre-workout snack and good to keep in your office desk to get you through the rest of the hellish day. Seriously, quit your job, come live with me; I can’t stand the thought of any of you working at terrible office jobs, arriving at the buttcrack of dawn (9 a.m.) and working until long after midnight (6 p.m.)—it’s inhumane! I can save you! But first, you must earn enough money to fund both yourself and me for a few years. In other news, I think I just started a cult?

Anyhoo, buy and eat Zenergy Power Balls and Go Balls-Out on Your Future! Other possible slogans:
Zenergy Power Balls: The Ball’s the Limit
Zenergy Power Balls: When You’re Balls to the Wall, Eat Our Balls
Zenergy Power Balls: When Life Hands You Lemons, Eat Our Balls
Zenergy Power Balls: You Won’t Sweat Our Balls
Zenergy Power Balls: We’re Not Dickin’ Around, Our Balls Are the Best!

05/18/2010

I’ve been not totally head-over-heels for Gracias Madre in the past but three things redeem it for me:
1) This cauliflower and cheese dish with the breadcrumbs on the top. sometimes they have it with Brussels sprouts too. either way, it’s cheesy, spicy, and amazing. order it.
2) GET THE FLAN. It’s FLAN. But without eggs. IT’S EGGLESS FLAN. It’s perfect and delicious and I want to bathe in a pool of it with you OMG this just got hot all of a sudden.
3) Sweet happy hour deals with cheap beer, mojitos, and sangria. I think it goes from 5 to 7 p.m. and they’re all $3. This helps make up for the fact that you’re about to pay $13 for some rice and beans. I KNOW, I KNOW, it’s all organic and fair trade and that shit is important and I’m willing to pay for it (I’m lucky I can afford to do that and so are you!) but yeah, it’s expensive for Mexican food in the Mission. You can hate all you want but I said what I said and I never go back on what I say 50 percent of the time, OK!?
Definitely worth a visit, and you’d be wise to heed my recommendations. NAMASTE, BITCHES!

I’ve been not totally head-over-heels for Gracias Madre in the past but three things redeem it for me:

1) This cauliflower and cheese dish with the breadcrumbs on the top. sometimes they have it with Brussels sprouts too. either way, it’s cheesy, spicy, and amazing. order it.

2) GET THE FLAN. It’s FLAN. But without eggs. IT’S EGGLESS FLAN. It’s perfect and delicious and I want to bathe in a pool of it with you OMG this just got hot all of a sudden.

3) Sweet happy hour deals with cheap beer, mojitos, and sangria. I think it goes from 5 to 7 p.m. and they’re all $3. This helps make up for the fact that you’re about to pay $13 for some rice and beans. I KNOW, I KNOW, it’s all organic and fair trade and that shit is important and I’m willing to pay for it (I’m lucky I can afford to do that and so are you!) but yeah, it’s expensive for Mexican food in the Mission. You can hate all you want but I said what I said and I never go back on what I say 50 percent of the time, OK!?

Definitely worth a visit, and you’d be wise to heed my recommendations. NAMASTE, BITCHES!

06/08/2009

Supreme Master merchandise!  »

Laura has spoken before about wanting a Loving Hut apron, as worn by the waitstaff (or at least the ladies on the team), and through some odd path of links, I found myself at Supreme Master’s official merchandise site this morning.

Unfortunately, as far as I can tell, she does not sell those adorable aprons. She does, however, make shopping bags, mugs, coasters, travel utensil sets, baseball caps, and “animal neck pillows” adorned with the Loving Hut logo.

You can also purchase a polka dot fedora for your dog.

If you haven’t already checked out her wikipedia page, it is a pretty good read, especially the story about the island she had illegally built out of rocks in the Biscayne Bay in Florida six years ago. She also had a 30-foot boardwalk built connecting the island to the property she owned in Florida, under the name “Celestia De Lamour.” Oh, those crazy vegans.

10/21/2008

Review: Ananda Fuara!  »

Ananda Fuara is run by a cult! Who cares? They are not creepy. They are a peaceful cult comprising some sweet folks who love to weight-lift and eat healthy, delicious vegetarian food. Frankly, I know more than one fat-ass who might benefit from such a lifestyle. And yes, I’m talking about me. And also you, Sir Fatty Fatton of Fattinshire.

Pet peeve no. 52: When meat-eaters complain about vegetarians and vegans eating fake meat. It’s like, MORONS, we are not vegetarian or vegan because we don’t like the taste of meat, we are vegetarian or vegan because we don’t want to EAT DEAD ANIMALS. Fucking figure it out. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist. Or even a person of average intelligence. My friend’s autistic brother who only communicates through a keyboard gets it. I just don’t understand WHY YOU DON’T?!?!

That being said, I rarely eat fake meat products here. I just wanted to bitch because it’s what Lauras do best. Actually, that and sex. Ask your dad. LAURA!

The daily rotating curries, soups (always dal and one other, usually vegan) and salads (try the Infinite Blue, vegan; it’s hot rice stir-fry over a bed of greens and I know that sounds kinda like the funk but trust. There are some days when only hot rice salad will make you want to get out of bed. I call those days Tuesdays.) are what Ananda Fuara does best and I’ve never once been disappointed. The vegan baked goods are always amazing, some of the best I’ve ever had. Make sure to check the glass case and get several of each to go. The peanut butter krinkle is basically cornflakes dipped in choco-peanut butter mixture and then set out to dry. You can either eat it or use it to exfoliate. Either way, divine.

I would be a total jerky asshole not to mention the most magical thing that is sometimes on the menu, the VEGAN BEEF STROGANOFF special. OH HOLY HELL. This shit is off the HEEZY! I had the meat-eaters at my table begging for release from its jaws of deliciousness. If you are in San Francisco tomorrow, call ahead to see if it’s the special and if it is, don’t make the biggest mistake of your life and not go. I don’t care if you got pregnant at 13 and gave the baby to Appalachian mountain people to raise and now her name is Darlene and she has three teeth and uses them to skin raccoons for eatin’ (YOUR VERY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD SKINS RACCOONS WITH HER TEETH! SORRY, TEEF!). Missing out on this beef stroganoff is worse. It is THE WORST.

In closing, I would like to issue a public challenge to the peaceful, adorable and motivational cult leader, Sri Chinmoy. This man is a competitive heavy-lifter and has set many world records. This is a man who has lifted elephants, Great Pumpkins and platforms filled with fat people INTO THE AIR. I would like to challenge him to lift me above his head with one hand and then to throw me into the air so that I might complete the Triple Lindy (yes, the same one the late, great Rodney Dangerfield made famous in the classic Back to School) and land on a gigantic trampoline made specifically for this purpose. Once I land on the trampoline, I will swan-dive into a gigantic cake of the flavor and shape of my choosing. This will take place on top of the Eiffel Tower on May 25, 2009. I eagerly await the response from Chinmoy’s camp. This offer will self-destruct in 24 hours.

[ananda fuara photos via the restaurant]

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