Hello, Friends! It’s WTF Wednesday with Mark!  »

You guys, it has been a long couple of weeks. Since I last wrote, I have had two root canals, started summer school, and am about to get two more root canals (I used to have a really bad dentist). I’ve been flossing more, sleeping less, and spent the Fourth of July week (yes, the whole week) in Modesto, which was so incredibly hot and stifling that I did nothing but sit in Allen’s parents’ air-conditioned house and eat burritos. I also set off some fireworks. Allen has an amazing video of me running and screaming from a sparkler, which suggests that perhaps I should stay away from anything that is fire-based in the future.

I wish Allen’s parents had a pool so that I could have escaped the 100 degree wearer, but the only pool owned by that family belongs to Allen’s aunt and uncle who chose not to invite me over for a dip. Because I am a reasonable adult, I did not sneak over there in my American flag speedo. Not like these awesome bears who don’t give a shit about your pool party. Bears, you see, just want to have fun. And cool off. And not have to beg Allen to allow them to turn a fan on.

I bet Allen wishes I were more like this cat and less like those awesome bears. Because this cat is obedient, and will roll over and stand and raise its paws, and those bears will just pee in your pool and then also throw water balloons at your children.

Speaking of water balloons, I went to Allen’s family reunion this weekend and emptied approximately 375,000 water balloons on the children there. Then, when I ran out, I just started filling buckets with water and throwing them at the kids, laughing as they scrambled away, learning a harsh lesson about the world. The harsh lesson being that everyone gets punished when Uncle Mark isn’t invited to swim in the relatives’ pool.

That’s it for this week! I am all tuckered out, and still have to spend the next 15 hours writing PowerPoints. (Pro tip: Don’t take on a new highly theoretical summer class just because you think it will be fun! It won’t be!) Expect a super-sized dose of anger next time!

Send me links for next week and have a Wednesday full of pools parties!

[photo from This Blog Rules via Buzzfeed]

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