vegansaurus!

Underdog!

So after a long, hard workout with an extremely motivating taskmaster (that sound like I had sex for hours and was paid for it but sadly, it was really just an intense workout. In a gym.), I had to gorge myself on something not totally terrible for me but still delicious that was less than 2 minutes from the gym because FUCKING A I WAS STARVING. So I decided to try Underdog, an all-organic hot-doggery with many vegan options in the Sunset District. I know, I have a lot to learn about weight loss.

The place is adorable and teeny-tiny with a couple of tables inside. There is a bench outside where you can sit with your dogs and they even have a doggy water bowl!* The woman working was super friendly and I have two words for you: TATER TOTS!! Goddamn. Those sneaky little fuckers are hard to find in restaurants so whenever they’re on a menu, I’m gonna immediately make a scene. And these weren’t just any tater tots, these were AMAZING TOTS. They were baked instead of fried (Holla back, diet!) and had this delicious smoky flavor and my GOD, I could have eaten 10 orders (Holla back, diet!). The vegan sausages are Tofurky brand and I’m a fan so I was delighted to see they are grilled perfectly. You have your choice of toppings, sauerkraut, relish, ketchup, 19 kinds of mustard, etc. and they’re all organic. They also offer mayo but anyone with a brain would agree that they should offer Wildwood Garlic Aioli instead. Anyone who has ever tried mayo and Wildwood Garlic Aioli in a back-to-back taste-test will tell you that mayo ain’t got nothing on the PERFECTION that is Wildwood Garlic Aioli. Having typed its name three times, I don’t think I can continue until I eat some.

On subsequent visits, I learned Underdog also has really fresh garden salads, fruit salads, a good pb&j, and lots of organic snacks to choose from.

They’re definitely big on the organic thing, which I think is cool and all but I wonder what that even means. “Organic” is one of those words that is tossed around so often and has become so mainstream that it’s losing whatever sloppy-ass USDA-governed meaning it had to begin with. The U.S. Organic standards are lenient at best and completely ignored at worst. Also, “organic” doesn’t mean the animals are treated any better…in fact, 99 percent of the time, they have the same crappy lives and ended up at same crappy slaughterhouses as the factory-farmed animals. It’s one thing if people go to Safeway and buy their fucking ground chuck on super-cheap-ass savings deal-o-rama and know that that animal had the worst life and death imaginable, but it’s quite another thing for people to think they are doing the right thing by buying organic, humanely raised, happy-life, painless-death animals when it couldn’t be further from the truth. Anyway, there’s more info on that here.

I love Underdog for caring about vegan business and making a real (and successful!) effort to accommodate us, but at the end of the day, their mission statement claim of wanting to conduct business in ways that make the least negative impact on our planet has an easy solution: stop serving meat! No manner of biodegradable utensils will come close to having such an impact.

*The owners of Underdog went on to adopt TWO Rocket Dogs! Yay!

St. Francis Fountain!

I pity the toe-fool who doesn’t enjoy the delicious tofu scrambles at St. Francis Fountain!

I don’t know. But I really like this place. They have an entire section of the menu dedicated to “veg-heads” that includes tofu scrambles, a toasted vegan sandwich (roasted veggies and some sort of a delicious sauce that’s put in some sort of a marvelous panini machine) and boring boca burgers. They also have a vegetarian rueben but the sauce isn’t vegan so what’s the fun? Also, it’s just grilled veggies, throw some tempeh up in that mother! Let’s do this!

But perhaps the most marvelous thing about St. Francis Fountain is the fact that you can get VEGAN MILKSHAKES. That is correct, sir. They’re made with the soy gelato from Copa Loca and they are magnificent. The best and only way to do this is to get it made with fresh banana and strawberry OMGYGWTF!! It’s SO GOOD. It’s like a berry-banana blizzard (BBB) from DQ* but not filled with death, chemicals and diabetes.

The other most fun thing to do at St. Francis is to see how many people you can fit in a mini-booth. Our record is seven normals or two really awesome fat people.

EXPERT TIP: On a nice day, you can bring your dog and sit outside! As long as your dog isn’t my dog and wants to eat other dogs! Also, this place is pretty tiny so it’s best for groups of 2-4. It gets ultrasuper crowded on the weekends so prepare for a wait unless you come ungodly early or starving late. Oh and they also have a fresh candy stand inside that sells stuff like Dallas and 90210 trading cards and bubblegum and my personal favorite, MJ. Just look at that marvelous/terrifying mug. It never ceases to amaze/disgust. Listen, I’m pretty sure he did it to those boys but he also brought us, “Beat It” which brought us, “Eat It”, so I guess all I’m saying is, GLASS HOUSES.

*aka, “THE BEST BEVERAGE KNOWN TO MAN OR BEAST”. I could live off the BBB. There was a point in my life that I would drink that instead of water during workouts. AND I WAS SKINNIER THAN I AM NOW. Take that, science!

Atlas Café!

Atlas Café is a wonderful quiet little neighborhood coffee shop of the best sort. It’s big enough that there is always an available table (except during real rush periods), yet still feels cozy and welcoming. The baristas are super friendly and casual (except for ONE dude! What’s his problem?) and will remember who you are and stuff, if that’s important to you.

Atlas does not quite have a full kitchen, but they do have a large menu with a bevy of vegan options. There are two vegan sandwiches available—the baked tofu (with nori!—probably the best choice), and the baked beet; and two sandwiches which can be made vegan without the cheese—the portobello mushroom and the roasted yam. At least one of their two daily soups is always vegan (go for split pea or lentil if they have it, avoid the mushroom: tastes like gravy!) They have a delicious no-cheese pizza made with tofu, yams, beets, and mushrooms (it sounds sort of weird, but the flavors just work together somehow). For breakfast you can get a bagel with hummus, and opt for tomato, onion and sprouts if you wish. (Would that they had Tofutti, alas.) There is also a wonderfully spicy ginger lemonade which is amazing on a hot day (all five of them).

Atlas consistently gets high marks in “best of” lists for being dog-friendly. You can sit with your dog in the enclosed patio area, as well as in the table area on the street out front. The downside is that smoking is also allowed in these areas.

Beware showing up on Thursday evenings, however, as they usually have a LOUD bluegrass band playing. If you’re not there to get down Kentucky-style, then it’s impossible to do anything else, like have a conversation or read a book. There’s approximately seven to fifteen dudes with beards strumming various instruments or washboards as the case may be, and it’s just not what I come to a coffee shop for. I actually happen to like bluegrass, and I can’t stand being there when the band is playing. I turn right around and go back out. San Francisco is also home to an annual bluegrass festival; Atlas seems to host about half of it. So again, avoid.