Review: Bi-Rite Creamery! »
Bi-Rite Creamery is so fucking good that I ate here twice the other day. I got one scoop of delicious raspberry soy cream—they always have one and sometimes two flavors of soy cream, in addition to a few sorbets and AMAZING popsicles in flavors such as pineapple mint and satsuma tangerine—and ate it on my walk home, got home, took off my pants (don’t ask), was like, “Fuck it. I’ve had a long, hard week of overindulging in food and drink to the point of adult-onset diabetes so clearly I deserve a TREAT!” and then got right back on the road again. I wanted this shit so badly that I walked all the way down the hill on Church Street (OK??) in the rain without an umbrella. It’s not that I don’t have an umbrella. I have many, in fact. It’s just that I am hardcore, you see. UMBRELLAS ARE FOR THE WEAK AND THE SMART!
Anyway, I get there and the Bi-Rite dude is all, “What’s up, vegan girl!” and I’m like, “You know how we do! Holla!” and then he’s basically like, “For real?” and I’m like, “FOR REAL,” all dead serious with the look of the kill in my eyes. I get my second scoop of the day. And also a soda pop. And perhaps also a third scoop whatever fuck you for judging me like you haven’t slept with someone you aren’t proud of!!
Anyway, after three scoops of pluot sorbet and chocolate soy cream, I head back up the hill on Church street. Now, for folks who aren’t familiar with this peak, let me paint you a picture. It’s called Everest. Look it up and then imagine a beast 10 times worse and covered in the stench of dog and human piss and also, men to your left having sex in the bushes off of Dolores Park (hot!). Do you know what it’s like to hike back up that cliff with nothing to shield you from the harsh winter elements? I was like the motherfucking kids in Alive, setting up base camp and then threatening to cut and/or eat fellow pedestrians. I am lucky to be here today. I was smart to carbo-load at Bi-Rite before scaling that thing. Can you imagine the internet without me? You’re like, “Yes bitch, leave.” and I’m all, “I’m not going anywhere, sucka!”
Ike’s Place! »
[Update: This is Laura’s initial review of Ike’s Place. Here is the most current news on Ike’s Place.]
First of all, it looks like the awesome sandwich above the entrance to Ike’s is comin’ to GETCHA. Talk about turning the tables! You go, sandwich! Wait, I meant: THE JOKE IS ON YOU SANDWICH BECAUSE I WILL BE EATING YOUR SANDWICH ASS. AND ALSO YOUR SANDWICH HEAD AND BODY. NEVER MIND.
B: Ike’s has more vegan sandwiches than you shake a sandwich at! With more to come! The Vegan Tony Soprano (it’s a fake-meat-and-cheese FEAST), the Vegan Coming Home for Thanksgiving (turkey and cranberry!) and the Vegan Backstabber (turkey, marinated artichoke hearts, garlic and herb sauce and TEESE!)
Thirdly: I really hate the word “sammich.” Stop it. It makes me think you were molested as a child and stopped mentally progressing from that point on and most likely talk in a creepy high-pitched baby voice—anyone else think that?
IV: THE VEGAN MEATLESS MIKE MEATBALL SUB + GUILT-FREE FRIES WITH BBQ SAUCE WILL MAKE YOU RECONSIDER YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION TO NOT DATE SANDWICHES ANYMORE. I mean, eat. NOT EAT SANDWICHES ANYMORE. It was so meaty, I almost asked to be led to the cow it came from so I could be all, “GOTCHA!” and then puke the dead animal all over them. But it was not, it was real live fake meat and it was magical.
W: Ike, his ADORABLE mom, and his sandwich-making partners in crime are super-friendly and make excellent suggestions and, as always, it feels so great to support a small, local business where the quality is high, the prices are low and the signage is AMAZING.
AND I TO YOU IN ADDITION AS WELL: Blow me, Subway. Seriously, fuck you and your no-vegan-sandwich-having asses and your corporate drudgery and I know if you were a human, you’d totally vote for Huckabee and drive a Ford Explorer and jerk it to child porn. AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON TOGO’S!!!!
P.S. LOGISTICAL INFO: There no tables inside and very few outside so it’s not ideal to eat here. Phone in your sandwich orders ahead of time (the wait can be a bitch). What I like to do is phone in about a half hour ahead of time, swing by and get my sandwich and then head to Dolores Park, a nearby bar (there are quite a few on Market Street), or my couch (preferred, obviously) to enjoy the deliciousness!
[photo by frankfarm]
Review: Sausage Party cart! »
No, this is not some incredibly hot gay porn (but if it is, please let me know! Gay porn is the hottest porn!) but instead, a vegan sausage cart run by two permit-eschewing vigilantes and their fat dog in San Francisco’s Dolores Park on the weekends. You get a hot Field Roast sausage in a yummy organic bun, homemade condiments, and Kettle Chips for $5. They also have really fantastic homemade lemonade and sometimes, cookies(!!!). They are in Dolores Park, near 18th and Dolores Streets on Saturdays and Sundays from around 1 to 6 p.m. PLEASE BE WARNED, this is not guaranteed as these bitches are unpredictable and operating hella illegally. But it’s still worth it to check it out because if it doesn’t work out, there are lots of places to grab vegan eats around Dolores Park (I will compile a thorough list and link to it at some point in the near future) and then sit in the grass with all the other assholes. Oh, and you can watch the hippies doing gross ol’ partner yoga and tossing around those fucking hippie sticks and playing hacky sack and shit.
In conclusion, the only bad thing about this cart is that it’s not parked on my face. In other words: I want to eat it out. With Vegenaise.