Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
What? Oh, I didn’t see you through this haze of prescription painkillers and tertiary muscle relaxants. That’s right, today’s WTF Wednesday is brought to you by the letters V, I, C, O, D, I, and N! That means that this post will be both mercifully short and also make no sense whatsoever. Just imagine we are all at an awesome party, sitting on beanbag chairs under a blacklight. That is how I feel right now, and so should you. Except I hope you can move your back, because I can’t move mine. Or walk straight. Enough of my whining, this is a party!
First off, here are some bears doing yoga. It actually looks more like Tai chi to me, but what do I know? The last time i did any kind of exercise was a jacked-up sun salutation on a Wii balance board (why does that fucking thing groan every time you step onto it? Does it know that it is lowering my self-esteem each time I want to play Rhythm Parade?). I always feature bad things happening to bears, so I thought I would post something awesome. Just forget that the bears are in a zoo, because zoos are horrible. Just focus on the amazing stretches they can do. Who even knew Bears stretched? And who knew that they could be even more adorable? I certainly didn’t.
And while we’re on the subject of bears, here is what happens when a stupid Toronto weatherman tries to throw pumpkins at polar bears. I mentioned last week that I do not believe that all animals love pumpkins. Example, this otter, whose look clearly states, “You want to be next, stupid? Why would you think I’d want a pumpkin? Did you get me a fucking Kindle or what?” I bet that otter wasn’t going to be reading the new Jodi Picoult, either. Anyway, here’s today’s lesson: Don’t throw shit at animals from high places. It is traumatizing and not at all pleasant, and you deserved to lose your microphone and also be ridiculed by the internet. Allen watched that video like five times last night. He was dying. I mean literally choking for breath. He was laughing that hard. Between that and this video of an Ellen writer going through a haunted house (“you are so rude!!!!!”), he was really on fire.
Fine, it wouldn’t be WTF Wednesday without some sad news: a porn star strangled a dog. Say it with me: WHAT THE FUCK. Why would you do that, porn star Jason Creed, a.k.a. Shane Michael Thompson? Why would you just take your three-legged puppy and beat it, strangle it to death, and then try to pass it off as a seizure? Here is some news: Seizures and BEING BEATEN AND STRANGLED TO DEATH present quite differently. I don’t even watch House and I know that. And why the fuck would you adopt a three-legged dog, who was obviously already coping with large difficulties in life, and then abuse it? What is wrong with you? Did you not realize that there is a special room in a special circle of hell that is devoted to people who are deliberately cruel to animals? Maybe you were drunk or high, which makes it even worse. Not even Vicodin can take the harsh edge off the idea of a poor unsuspecting dog being attacked by a third-tier gay porn actor. Thank god his friends and roommates turned him in, although what disturbs me EVEN FURTHER is that they also stated that they had known about the abuse. Why didn’t you speak up before the dog was murdered? At least this guy is in jail. I could make all sorts of jokes about that, but I won’t; partly because this story is too sad and partly because I have standards.
That is it for this week. As always, please send me links for next week or leave them in the comments. Have an awesome week!
[photo by South Beds News Agency via the Telegraph]
Hell with you, Starbucks »
Yesterday Starbucks announced that it would be selling healthier, more natural, more delicious food alongside its enormous coffee menu. Hooray, the people said; hooray.
The new items include a banana bread that is “nearly 30 percent real banana;” the Marshmallow Dream Bar—a “sensible” alternative to those wicked, enfattening Rice Krispies treats—a blueberry-oat concoction with a streusel topping; a strawberry-banana smoothie made with 2 percent milk and whey powder; and the “Farmer’s [sic] Market Salad,” made of romaine, apples, dried cranberries, almonds, and bleu cheese. And no, they can’t take the cheese out, they come prepackaged.
What do the dairy-eschewers get? Hard to say. I believe it’s safe to assume that the fruit cup is exclusively fruit, but Starbucks loves to sneak milk and its byproducts into goddamn everything, and there is no actual nutritional information on the starbucks.com “nutritional information” page, so I would ask before purchasing.
One might think that with its headquarters in Seattle (a city with some fine vegan dining, I’m told), someone at Starbucks would realize that the vegan market is ripe for exploitation. Lord knows we love a baked good. That might even improve its image in our community, the majority of which holds Starbucks in low, low esteem (right? right).
But nooooo, instead the geniuses in charge add fucking cheese to their salads, take the yolks out of the egg sandwiches, and continue to act like a passel of doofuses whose choices do not merit all their company’s successes.