Calorie count cage match: KFC Double Down vs. Vegan Double Down »
Everyone and their dog knows that the KFC Double Down is cardiac arrest in sandwich form, and our vegan version isn’t doing much better. But we at least would never lie to you. Kill you, quite possibly, but never lie.
Unlike KFC, who would do both. Their marketing materials had clocked their version in at a lean-and-mean 540 calories and 32 grams of fat (practically diet by fast food standards), and now CityRag is calling bullshit. By their math, using published nutritional data, the KFC Double Down’s real calorie count? 1190 calories and 86 grams of fat—over twice as much as advertised.
So, not that you should care, I thought I’d run the numbers for one serving of our version to see how it stacks up.
- 2 Gardein Chick’n Scallopini patties: 180 calories, 4g fat
- 2 Tbsp Vegenaise: 180 calories, 18g fat
- 25 percent of the batter recipe (plenty for one sandwich): 225 calories, 25g fat
- 2 oz Follow Your Heart Monterey Jack: 140 calories, 14g fat
- 3 strips Smart Bacon with cooking oil: 60 calories, 8g fat
Grand total: 785 calories, 69g fat. I think that means, we win! Or, we lose! Also, let’s be realistic. Neither of these counts include the vat of fryer oil we’re using. So add another 300 to 500 calories to both those numbers.
Moral of the story? There is none. Life isn’t Beatrix Potter, and sometimes we eat stuff that might kill us. The end. As long as it’s only killing ourselves without dragging any animals along for the death ride, I don’t see the problem. You know what, I think there is a moral after all. Mentos!
[link via Bacon-loving Hipsters Can Kiss My Vegan Ass]
KFC to unleash the Double Down sandwich, we celebrate by cracking the code »
Over at The Consumerist, they’ve been following KFC’s new (and revolting) Double Down sandwich. In case you’re new to the story, the Double Down is a bacon and cheese sandwich, with two slabs of fried chicken replacing the bread, and a mystery yellow substance they’re calling “The Colonel’s Sauce” (a name that implies more intimacy with the Colonel than, we hope, is actually involved). After months of rumors and marketing teasers, the Double Down is finally real, with a scheduled release date of Monday, Apr. 12 at a KFC near you.
As vegans, we’re of course bound by blood oath to be outraged by meat surrounded by meat and drizzled in dairy, especially when mass-produced by a megacorp dedicated to poisoning as many people worldwide as possible. But sometimes something is just too ridiculous to hate, and like a game of culinary marry-fuck-kill, we saw the Double Down and chose “fuck.” So with that, I present:
It’s actually good! And by “good” I mean “not good.” Or a word that means a mix of good and not-good, where “not good” describes how you feel after downing this fistful of instant regret. Here’s how you can make your own and share my suffering. You know you want one.
First thing’s first. Start by getting your kitchen stocked with vegan substitutes.
- Gardein Lightly Seasoned Chick’n Scallopini
- Lightlife Smart Bacon
- Follow Your Heart Vegenaise
- Energ-G Egg Replacer
- Earth Balance Natural Shortening
- Follow Your Heart Monterey Jack
You can replace the shortening with canola oil or even Crisco, if you feel like taking your life into your hands. Before doing anything else, I fried up about six pieces of Smart Bacon, and thinly sliced the Follow Your Heart Monterey Jack using a mandolin. If you don’t have a mandolin, a cheese slicer will do the trick, or a sharp kitchen knife if you’re really patient. You should also thaw out the Gardein patties, which are usually kept frozen.
The Colonel’s Sauce
No one has any idea what’s in this stuff, so I basically went for “yellow”.
- 4 Tbsp Vegenaise
- 1 tsp mustard
- 1 tsp agave nectar
- 1 tsp turmeric
Mix it up until it looks yellow. Adjust as needed.
- 1 Tbsp sage
- 1 tsp ginger root
- 1 Tbsp rosemary
- 1 Tbsp oregano
- 1 tsp marjoram
- 1 tsp black pepper
- 1 tsp chili powder or cayenne
- 1½ tsp thyme
- 2 Tbsp garlic salt, or mix 1 Tbsp salt + 1 Tbsp garlic granules
- 2 Tbsp onion salt, or mix 1 Tbsp salt + 1 Tbsp onion granules
- 3 Tbsp dried parsley
- 3 Tbsp brown sugar
- 2 Tbsp powdered vegetable bullion from Rapunzel, or any vegan “chicken-flavored” bullion.
- 1 pack of McCormick Thick & Zesty Spaghetti Sauce Mix (available at Safeway), or 1 packet of any vegan tomato powdered instant soup.
Grind into a fine powder using a food processor or blender, and set aside.
Making the batter and deep-frying it all up
- 3 Tbsp Ener-G egg replacer
- 4 Tbsp water
- 1 Tbsp canola oil
- ½ cup unsweetened, plain soy milk
- 1 cup all-purpose flour
In a mixing bowl, beat together the egg replacer, water, canola oil, and soy milk. This is your “eggs and milk” batter.
Now is a good time to get your deep-frying apparatus into gear. If you own a deep fryer, you know what you’re doing here. For everyone else: melt the whole box of Earth Balance shortening in a wok or cast-iron pan on medium heat. Top it up with canola oil if the pool of oil isn’t deep enough.
Next, thoroughly mix together the flour with the “secret” herb and spice mix that you made earlier. Spread out the flour mix onto a long sheet of baking paper.
You basically want to coat the living hell out of the Gardein patties, then deep fry them until your kitchen smells like KFC. So: take a patty, dip it in the batter, then roll it in the flour/spices until it’s completely coated. Then take the same patty and repeat; you want to coat the coating.
Finally, drop in your patty and deep-fry it for a few minutes, until golden brown. You can test out your oil beforehand with a small glob of batter and flour. You really don’t want to cook them for too long!
Putting it all together then nomming the shit out of that
Now you’re ready to assemble your Vegan Double Down: two slabs of fried fake chicken, stuffed with fake bacon, fake cheese, and fake “Colonel’s Sauce”. Make it look pretty.
You will eat about half of this before realizing what a mistake it’s been. But until that moment, it will taste like sweet, deep-fried heaven.
Fall is here! It’s roasted pumpkin time and I am inappropriately excited about it! »
This past week/weekend, it seemed pumpkins were taking over the city! They were suddenly available everywhere as if by magic! In reality, it’s probably years of ingrained production process and distribution channel timing that brings a mass crop of pumpkins to urban markets during a precise week in early October, but it is much more fun to anthropomorphize adorable pumpkins than to think about agribusiness. Vegans do enough worrying about agribusiness already. So, to bring it back to the bounty of the harvest and the magic of autumn, I got my pumpkin at my local farmer’s market. I’m not too good for Trader Joe’s though; the pumpkins there look totally fine.
The pumpkin I got is smaller and sweeter than the monstrous ‘roid rage kind typically reserved for Jack O’Lanterns. Our hero is cutely named “pie” pumpkin, because that is what most of America is planning to use it for. And, at the end of the roasting described here, you’re welcome to puree it and use it for pumpkin pie, although I don’t know why you would when there’s a whole wide world of pancakes, curries, and just eating it out of the rind with a spoon covered in Earth Balance, but we’ll get to that.
First, you need to rinse it, pop off the stem, and cut it in half with a big knife. A serrated knife is best, and so is a saw-like motion. When you get it halved, scoop out the seeds. If you have a fancy ice cream scoop or melon baller, bully for you. I used a regular spoon. Turn the oven on to about 400-450F.
Pro tip: don’t throw away the seeds! Lay them out on a cookie sheet, drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper, and stick them in the (now hot) oven for about 15 minutes for a tasty, zinc-filled snack!
Now you want to grab a Pyrex baking dish, big enough to hold both halves of the pumpkin, so like the kind you’d make brownies in. Put about an inch of water in the bottom. This supposedly helps to keep the flesh moist while roasting.
Next, get out a tub of Earth Balance and rub a lot of it on each exposed half. This is actually what keeps the flesh moist while roasting. This is also what makes it delicious when it comes out of the oven, and you will probably just want to scoop out bites with a spoon, which is what we did. But if you are feeling industrious, you can do something else with the flesh when it cools, like the aforementioned puree with brown sugar and pumpkin pie spices, or something hip like pumpkin curry. Or if you really want to be cool, use Isa Chandra Moskowitz’s recipe for apple-pumpkin risotto in this month’s Bust Magazine, which we can’t link you directly to but you really ought to go buy a copy; it contains much useful and entertaining shit in addition to said vegan risotto and a candy corn recipe from SF’s own Melisser!
In conclusion, stick the buttered pumpkin skin side down (butter side up) in the pan of water and roast in the 400-450 oven for an hour-ish. Let cool and enjoy autumn!
OMG girl, me too!
The New York Times would have us believe that “Butter Holds the Secret to Cookies That Sing,” but vegans know that Earth Balance achieves the same effect without the cruelty and animal exploitation.
That said, the baking advice is very good. Make your vegan substitutions, follow the instructions, and you are assured good cookies, I swear.
Recipe: Vegan mac ‘n’ cheesecakes! »
So yesterday, Jonas sent me a link to this video on the New York Times website. It features Kenny Shopsin, this fabulous cursing muppet dude—basically, Bruce Vilanch done over as a truck stop chef; seriously, watch the video, this guy’s the best*—making something that blew my mind: MAC ‘N’ CHEESE PANCAKES! I knew I had to have them for dinner, if not right now! So, last night, we fried up a big batch of mac ‘n’ cheesecakes and some Match Meat Italian Sausages!
Here is what we did. Follow these directions TO THE LETTER. I am unyielding.
First, pour yourself a Crown and water, on the rocks. If you skip this step, everything else will suck.
Next, you need to boil up some macaroni. Or whatever pasta you want, really. I didn’t have enough macaroni last night and so I used some spiral pasta too. I AM A REBEL! When the pasta is cooked al dente then you drain and stir in a little olive oil. Set aside.
Then, grate some cheese into a bowl. I suggest Teese or Follow Your Heart, if those options are available to you. If they’re not, either 1) move the fuck away from whatever Podunk town you’re dying in or b) just kill yourself with a block of veganrella. I think just trying to eat the whole thing should do it.
Set the bowl of macaroni and the bowl of cheese close to the stove so you can reach them easily for assembling your pancakes! And now you need to make pancake batter. I suggest:
- 1 cup flour [experiment with different kinds. I used whole wheat last night but I think chickpea could be good!]
- 1 Tbsp. vegan sugar
- 2 Tbsp. baking powder
- ⅛ tsp. salt [I would mess around with types of salt here: kosher, truffle, etc.!]
- 1 cup soy [or almond/rice/hemp/coconut/human breast] milk
- 2 Tbsp. vegetable oil
First mix the dry ingredients together. When that’s done, start your griddle (that word literally makes my mouth water) on high so that it gets super-hot. Go back to your batter and mix in your wet ingredients. DO NOT OVER-MIX, over-mixing will kill your fluffy mac ‘n’ cheesecakes and you will be all :-(. Next, add some Earth Balance to your griddle and wait until it melts and is kinda bubbly. Then, you want to add enough batter for the size pancake that you want. I wanted one the size of a crop circle but Jonas was cooking so.
Let it cook for about a minute and then put a couple tablespoons of the macaroni in the middle of the pancake and immediately top that with a bunch of cheese. Using a thin metal spatula, quickly turn the pancakes and gently tap to make them uniform in thickness. Cook until golden, about two minutes. Serve, macaroni-side up, with Earth Balance and warm maple syrup. HELLO DELICIOUS!
This photo is with a Match Meat patty we grilled up to go with our mac ‘n’ cheesecakes. Yes, I know it looks like Pizza the Hut. SHUT UP, IT TASTED DELICIOUS.
If you’re feeling adventurous (read: extra-gluttonous), make it vegan heart-attack-style by crumbling some fake sausage (we used the Match Meat Italian Sausage) and throwing it on top of the macaroni, before the cheese. That was our best pancake; a Hamburger Helper pancake. We dubbed it über-pancake, the Cheesy Beef Cake; it won the Blue Ribbon at my State Fair in Fatlandia, pop. All the Awesome Fat People.
Finally, DO NOT GIVE ANY OF YOUR PANCAKES TO HAZEL. SHE IS CUTE AND SO IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE BUT PANCAKES ARE NOT FOR DOGS, THEY ARE FOR HUMANS!!! Now, a photo of Hazel begging for a pancake.
*Please be sure to check out the menu for Shopsin’s General Store as well. It is insane but actually includes a few vegan items! But don’t order from the menu or you will get thrown out!
[photos by the cooks]