An Omnivore’s take/rant on the cult of David Chang.  »

OK, so when I first heard about Ubuntu starting to serve meat on special Tuesdays or whatever I was all, WTF UBUNTU?!?! Then I realized, hey the economy and all that BS, and I am totally supportive of any and everything Ubuntu tries to do (and if you haven’t tried their Marcona almonds with lavender sea salt then you are missing out on ECSTACY, YES THE DRUG I LOVE TRIPPING ON E I MEAN ALMONDS TOUCH ME PLEASE) so if Ubuntu needs to make a quick buck by serving meat like every other Napa restaurant then so be it, ‘cause I will WIN THIS by GOING ON WEDNESDAY, HUZZAH!

But THEN I heard that it’s gonna involve lame-ass “guest chefs” or something else equally as ‘tarded, and that it’s gonna involve David Chang, and I’m like WTF all over again.

David Chang owns 97 Momofuku-branded craptacular restaurants in Manhattan and let me tell you something: he’s totally mean; and also, homie, your food ain’t all that, y’hear? And notwithstanding the stupid “figs on a plate I hate you San Francisco and vegetarians BLAH BLAH BLAH” comments he said, we already have a David Chang here and his name is Charles Phan and in SF HE AIN’T ALL THAT. Slanted Door is one of the hardest restaurants to get a reservation to but I think if you ask any foodie what they think about Slanted Door, they’d be all, Yeah it’s all right, but it’s way too expensive and I’d only go there on an expense account. Because in reality what we have here is a Chinese dude smiling at you letting you know that you shouldn’t be scared to eat Chinese food because THIS Chinese food is different because it’s Niman Ranch, but then you look all around you and IT’S ALL WHITE PEOPLE IN COLLARED SHIRTS, because Chinese people know what the real shit is all about and don’t need to be comforted knowing their own cuisine and don’t get me started on stupid yuppies co-opting street food because at the end of the day it’s just yuppie white folks not wanting to feel guilty about their discomfort with other cultures. And yes this was the longest sentence in the history of sentences but I think we all know what I’m getting at here, right?!?

I rant, yes, but at the end of the day, Momofuku and all its 1,598 incarnations just aren’t good. And to Ubuntu I say, Go on with your bad self, and make hella money, but dude, why you gotta throw David Chang a bone? Stop trying to make me love you less!

This rant is brought to you by Omnivore Ed. Let it be known that Vegansaurus also thinks David Chang is a shithead and his cult-like following is definitely goofy. I mean, what? Does his food give you a bigger penis or cause you to sprout wings? NO? SHUT. UP. Also, we ask you this: IS IT COINCIDENCE THAT “CHANG” RHYMES WITH “DUMBASS OVERRATED CHEFLEBRITY”??? RIDDLE ME THAT!

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