Review: Delfina!  »

I wrote this review of Delfina awhile ago on the Yelp site but I will just publish it here now. Fuck Yelp. I kid, that site is great. I’ll probably update it later but not now, I have about 60 emails to respond to and a million things to do in the hour I get to be on the internet today. Fuck me sideways.

Everyone sit down, Mama has some news. I went on a date tonight. That’s right; I’m not sure if you are ready to let your little Laura fly away into coupledom during which time Yelp will become the red-headed step child I am ashamed of and lock in the basement and occasionally beat. This time, next week, I’ll most likely be engaged to be married. Unless I’m really not. Which brings me the actual date. Here is how the big D went down and I can be 100 percent honest because I’m like 90 percent sure this fool is way too cool for school/Yelp. We met through a mutual friend and he emailed me to ask me to have coffee (GAY) and talk about how the world is fucked. I, of course, am amenable on the world being fucked front and so I said, how about you buy me dinner (as I am poor AND fat! Some might call me a double-threat!) and you have yourself a deal, sir! and by deal, I of course mean, easy lay.

Delfina is the ultimate first date place, according to Yelpers, Zagats, Chowhound, my parents and that homeless dude who soft shoe(lesse)s in front of Tartine. So, I didn’t make the plans but when he suggested Delfina I was like, “PREDICTABLE. SNOOZE.” But again, beggars can’t be choosers and I’ve always had a delicious time at Delfina so Delfina it is! Now, the food was great and the conversation so-so-meh but I have one huge problem with this place and that is this: the waitresses are freaking Goddesses.  I’m not trying to have a first date at some place where I look like I have Down Syndrome in comparison to these beautiful sirens. I felt like fucking Beauty and the Beast up in that bitch. Not cool. Seriously, first date place, Yelp? First date if you want your prospective husband to go home and jerk it to the chick who served you Pasta Putanesca! I mean, for realz. I cry “Uncle” to Delfina. I cannot win in a situation like this.  You know what a perfect first date place is? McDonald’s. And here’s why: They employ actual retards. It’s part of the leg up program or whatever it’s called which is just darling and I love it AND you can’t help but seem attractive and semi-sane in comparison with the differently abled. It’s win/win, people! Man, fools at McDonald’s are having awesome dates and I’m over here at Delfina’s trying to feign interest in what this jackass across from me is blathering on about and it’s damn hard when I want to beat a bitch down based solely on her unholy good looks. I want to beat her and then make out with her, GOD HELP ME. When I decided I wanted to make out with the waitress more than I wanted to make out with Hipster McUseless start-up across the table, I knew this was not MTB (look it up, people. We were all teenage girls once. For some of the women on this site, it was mere weeks ago.) The other clue that this was not the man for me was at this moment in our conversation:

Date Boy: God, it’s such a beautiful day today, don’t you think? And you know what day it is, right? The first day of spring!

Laura B.: GAY!

Anyway, Delfina. Delicious and a few vegan options, and the kitchen is very accommodating. Upon learning I was vegan, the chef made me spaghetti with all sorts of delightful vegetables in it including my favorite, artichoke hearts! I love those little suckers! The fries are always amazing, thin and crispy with herbs and salt…POIFECT! But awful, terrible first date place. Actually, I’m sure it would be fine if you had healthy self-esteem and sense of your own worth, which I’m assuming you don’t as you are a woman. Even if you are a man who reads my reviews, you are a woman and this world can often be hard on the thinking, feeling lady. Now, come tell Mama your problems, it looks like she might not be going anywhere for a long, long time.

I really hope this dude doesn’t read this.

Well, I now have a super-great boyfriend so that has changed.* And Delfina remains a solid choice when you want a plate of no-frills pasta in a semi-fancy environment. You won’t find tons of choices for vegans but sometimes you just want really good spaghetti with plum tomatoes, garlic and extra virgin olive oil. Also, there is an attached pizza place where the crust is vegan so you can get a cheeseless pizza there too. You can also sit out front with your dog. But if you’re gonna do that, just go to nearby Beretta for as-delicious pizza with the options of vegan cheese and vegan sausage AND THEY ALSO HAVE ABSINTHE. Decision made!

*But I’m still not going anywhere, suckas!

[photos via yelp]

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