vegansaurus!

Saturn Cafe!

Berkeley is no longer just a blight on the urban map of the Bay Area. For so long it was just a place for terrible students and terrible rich hippies (the worst kind of hippie!) and was only to be suffered if you really had to have delicious vegan brunch at Fellini. Well, it’s still all those things! But now it has taquitos! And cinnamon rolls! And Saturn Cafe! 

Saturn Cafe is an import from Santa Cruz and it’s an important one. First of all, in a city that goes to bed at 6 p.m., it stays open to the unbelievably late hour of midnight. Kudos to them for making that happen because I can’t imagine the amount of city bullshit that they’d have to deal with to make that happen. Bureaucracy win! Secondly, it’s all vegetarian and that’s fucking awesome. It’s always nice to know that your tofu scramble won’t get cross-contaminated with bacon surprise (surprise! your breakfast had a mother!). And then there’s the decor? Saturn bills itself as a “Space-Age Diner” to which I say, “Space-Age?! More like GAY-AGE!” This place makes Pink Saturday look like a klan rally. Seriously, I brushed against a glitter-covered column and I swear, I’m still finding silver sparkles in my crap. All in all, LOVE. More glitter! Glitter for ALL! Life is a rave, pass the glow-in-the-dark Mickey Mouse gloves and let’s do the damn thing!

So already, Saturn Cafe has my heart. BUT THEN, my mind kicks in! That pesky thing that keeps me from being happy. Seriously, stupid people have it the best. And my mind tells me WAIT A MINUTE WTF IS THIS??? For a vegetarian restaurant, it’s sure slim pickings for the vegans. There are several areas in which they fail. I will now detail them because that’s how I do CONTROVERSY WHAT!

1. No vegan cheese options. If you order something that regularly has cheese on it, the vegan version comes with this insane tofu spread that’s basically mashed up tofu with some chives mixed in. This grainy mixture is their stand-in for both cheese and sour cream. It’s very odd…not altogether bad, just odd. And when you consider the leaps and bounds vegan cheese products have taken in even the past few years, maybe the folks at Saturn just need to get on testing vegan cheeses. Might we suggest Daiya, Teese and Cheezly? We might!
2. The veg chicken patties they use aren’t vegan. Dude, there’s GARDEIN. No excuse!
3. Stuff like pancakes aren’t vegan. I don’t get it; pancakes are like the easiest thing to veganize. Let’s do this! Also, while you’re at it, please veganize the biscuits and gravy! There isn’t ONE place in the entire San Francisco Bay Area that serves this and I’m telling you, that alone will make Saturn famous. With my pants. And what is underneath my pants. That’s right, my vagina. I could go further but children read this blog! Also, if you are a child PLEASE STOP READING AND CALL CPS, your parents should be held responsible!
4. Two options for vegan ice cream! You’re in the land of Maggie Mudd now, broker a deal with those fools! Let’s see some PB&J! And Apple Pie! I will pay for it, in both money and hella points for gluttony! This is kind of a throw-on request because I like to shoot for the moon. It’s really nice that they offer vegan milkshakes and I don’t want to push my luck.

All in all, Saturn Cafe, I love you. But please come through for the vegans! We count on our brothers in arms (or, in arms-ish. oh and that’s you, vegetarians! hi!) to have our backs in this big bad world of restaurant dining. If you could pull through for us on the front of vegan options, we will repay you in a never ending supply of our cold, hard vegan cash. And we’re by and large very rich*—how else would we shop at Rainbow all the time!? Shit.

OH ALSO: Maybe if they receive lots of very polite email from vegans letting them know there’s a desire for more vegan options, we’ll see some action! Maybe not! But, as always, it’s worth a try! Go forth, mighty (and polite!) vegans! Go forth, and spread our mighty (and polite!) message!

*lies.

Review: Gardein Trios!

Hello, on-the-go, modern-living human! You desire sustenance, but have only a brief amount of time in which to prepare and devour it! What is the solution to your problem?

WELL. One of those solutions is a Gardein Trio, a new product in the Gardein vegan-meat line that includes vegetables and rice, and is microwavable in three minutes. Here is the one I tried, the Sicilian Trio. I chose this one, because it was the one that was in the Safeway. It cost $4.99,* no tax.

That’s the “chick’n” at top left, the sauce at bottom left, and the rice on the right.

So to eat this meal, which is located in the refrigerated section of your grocery store’s vegetarian-foods nook, you can either microwave it—which will be, busy person who is probably at work and may even be forced to eat this meal at your desk (which incidentally you shouldn’t, I mean at least take 20 minutes for a walk around the neighborhood), probably your only option—or boil it. Being perverse, I chose the boiling method (I don’t like microwaving plastic), but I assume the results didn’t differ much.

The rice had a surprisingly good texture; never having eaten boil-in-a-bag rice before, I was expecting “awful,” but it was “pretty good,” so that was nice. The tomato sauce was bland, though sufficient to cover both chick’n and rice. You know how that goes: I may not like it, but by god I better get my fill of it. I feel like I should be embarrassed about that, but, nope. The chick’n was standard Gardein stuff; a bit chewy, but very reminiscent of actual chicken, as I recall. The vegetable stuffing is the best part, absolutely, flavorful and even a touch spicy. Not really spicy, but there is a hint of spice, maybe a single flake of red pepper’s amount. It’s pretty all right.

An omnivore to whom I offered a couple bites said that while the sauce was disappointingly flavorless, the texture of the chick’n was all right, and she would probably eat it again, considering its nutritional value. Considering how carefully she reads labels, that is praise.

As I am not a busy, on-the-go-type person, I have no real need for a quick-prep ready-meal. If I were, I’d consider a Gardein Trio, once in a while. They certainly are convenient, and cost less than a meal out in your standard business district. I’m not going to tell you what to do, obviously. When I worked at an office, I brought leftovers and ate basically the entire day, because of boredom and being kind of disgusting. But if you like a complete, hot meal that you didn’t cook earlier in the week, consider the Gardein Trio. Shoot, consider it for dinner, too; or breakfast. It’s vegan.

*[FTC disclosure: Gardein sent me a coupon for a free Gardein Trio]

Rhea’s Deli: Get a vegan chicken sandwich delivered to your face!

Word on the street is that Rhea’s Deli delivers. What the street is leaving out is that Rhea’s can deliver a vegan chicken sandwich with a spicy asian barbecue sauce and all sorts of pickled things on it. Friend of Vegansaurus Joel tried it and liked it very much, and that fucker hates everything so you should get on it. PLUS HELLO DELIVERY.

Of course there isn’t any mention of the vegan sandwich in the Yelp reviews so as soon as you eat one, write one and tell people what’s up! And let them know where you heard about it! Which was here! Even if it wasn’t, we need the hits! Unless you want us to go away! Oh my god, that’s what you want, isn’t it!? TOO BAD I’M NEVER LEAVING WE’LL DIE IN THIS SHITBOX TOGETHER.

Cheers!

UPDATE: Jonas tried the sandwich and confirmed that it’s the BOMB and to ask for it mild spicy unless you’re hardcore. Here is a picture of half of it because it was so tasty, he couldn’t stop to blog. Solid.

Rosamunde in the Mission: it’s a vegan sausage fest!

Some of you may be familiar with the venerable Rosamunde Sausage Grill in the Lower Haight. It’s only about 20 square feet, but between it and its next-door neighbor, Toronado, I have spent many a perfect Saturday afternoon eating vegan sausage and drinking beer (don’t judge!). Now, Rosamunde has opened a brand-spanking-new Mission location (at 24th and Mission Streets), complete with their very own beer list AND seating for, well, more than the four people the Haight Street location can accommodate.

First things first: Rosamunde is not a primarily vegan location. They serve meat sausages of ALL KINDS, and many people may choose to pass based on that, which is cool, because it just leaves more vegan sausages for me!

Rosamunde has a very simple concept: grilled sausages of various kinds on fresh french rolls with a choice of select toppings for around $6 and a close proximity to beer. The rolls are always super-fresh and delicious, and the toppings pretty much rule: grilled onion, sweet peppers, hot peppers (or a mixture of both), sauerkraut, and a range of mustards and ketchup. The Haight Street Rosamunde offers one vegan sausage: it’s a Tofurky variety (though I can never tell which kind—I think maybe the beer brat), and it’s good, but there’s only the one kind. The new Mission spot offers a selection (!!!) of vegan sausages, which is fancy and makes having only a single option look like communist Berlin. When we ate there last night, the ol’ ball and chain had an apple sage dealy, and I had the kielbasa. The menu lists the vegan sausage as a “daily offering,” so I am going to optimistically interpret that to mean that they will offer a range of vegan sausages and be receptive to trying out new ones. YOU HEAR THAT, ROSAMUNDE?

In addition to sausages, the Mission location also offers vegan baked beans, fries, the biggest, most obscene-looking pickles that you’ve ever seen, and vegan split-pea soup. They also have a sausage platter that includes a sausage (or two), baked beans, and salad. Oh, and beer. They focus on quality, craft beers, and lots of their stuff on tap is of the strong persuasion. Handily, they list the alcohol content right next to the names and prices. OH! And (I almost forgot these) they also have Helwa vegan wafers in three or four different varieties. It’s a nice touch, especially if you get the kind of PMS I get where you need to have sugar, salty and booze in your mouth all at once. Handy!

The atmosphere of the place is something like “German Hunting Lodge with DJ playing an odd mix of Dead Kennedys and Hot Water Music with friendly tattooed hipster counter person.” Sounds odd, yes, but it works. There are lots of long tables with benches for cramming many people in, and boy were there lots of people crammed in when we hit it up last night. Hopefully it’ll calm down a bit once it’s not so new, but for now at least, be prepared to wait 15 minutes or so for your sausage, which is okay, since they have all that beer.

The only complaint I have about this place (besides all the meat, which, let me clarify, sucks, but I’d rather have meaty places acknowledge, accommodate, and respect vegans than not) is that while they are open for breakfast (and even offer free coffee with breakfast! AMAZING), they don’t have a vegan breakfast sausage. Their current breakfast offering is a breakfast sausage with egg and cheddar. I know I’d be pretty happy to have a breakfast sausage with Cheesly and tomato and onion or something. JUST SAYING, ROSAMUNDE!

Review: Gardein Buffalo Wings!

Because I’m Canadian, I got in on the Gardein craze a little before most of you Yankees, as the Great White North had that shizz a full year or more before the US of A. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know my stuff when it comes to pea-protein-based fake meat, so let me lay on you my review of Gardein’s latest oeuvre, Buffalo Wings!

There are a couple schools of thought when it comes to vegan “wings:” there’s the breaded school (crunchy breading covered with hot sauce) and  the not-breaded school. Gardein’s wings are of the not-breaded variety. They are, rather, wing-sized nuggets of Gardein’s magic “chicken” substance covered with a bright red (so you know they’re Buffalo wings) spicy sauce. They come frozen and in a little pouch with the sauce already on, which brings me to my first quibble—you need a microwave to get these out of the pouch and onto the baking sheet in a dignified way. If, like me, you live in a microwave-free household, you have to do what I did and pry those frozen little things apart with your bare hands, which kind of sucks. I mean, it’s hardly a dealbreaker, but you don’t want to do it while wearing a white shirt is all I’m saying.

Once you manage to get them on the baking sheet, though, it’s full speed ahead. The wings bake for about 15 minutes, and then you eat them. First things first: spicy alert! Like I said, I am Canadian, and I’m not terribly heat-tolerant, but these things have a kick! Don’t eat them if you have a bleeding ulcer! Personally, I like a touch more sweetness with my wing sauce, but Gardein’s Buffalo sauce does hit the spot. The wings themselves are satisfying and chewy and pleasantly stringy so that they get ever-so-slightly stuck in your teeth. Floss after eating if you have a date later! Serve with vegan ranch if you have it. I love me some vegan ranch and think that any way I can get it into my mouth is a-OK. I ate a whole package of these by myself for lunch (well, I guess I also ate three pickles with them, but since the nutritional value of pickles is “salt,” I don’t count them), which means I ate 2.5 servings, or 10 pieces. At around $4.50 per package, these ain’t no 10-cent wings, that’s for sure, but they’re certainly cheaper than the napalm-coated wings at Weird Fish (which I love, but they are too spicy). All in all, these are some tasty, reasonably-priced, and surprisingly healthy (not that I endorse counting calories at all, but these are pretty low-calorie, soy-free, and low-fat). Perfect for a night in, and, I suspect, highly compatible with beer.

These things are available in the freezer section at Rainbow and at some Bay Area Whole Foods, and if I know Gardein’s marketing and distribution people, I’m sure they’ll be widely available soon, if they aren’t already.

Jay’s Cheesesteak considering carrying vegan cheese!

And they (according to our VERY SECRET PLEASE DO NOT ASK sources) want/need encouragement. Or just, you know, want to know that vegans will actually be psyched and into it. WILL YOU BE??? Can you imagine the pizza cheesesteak with some Daiya up on that bitch? Yeah, you can.

CALL TODAY!

Mission location: (415) 285-5200

Western Addition location: (415) 771-5104

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET. That’s not me. That’s Clay Davis. Actually, I’m totally stealing it.

Ted’s Market!

It’s all well and good that we have restaurants like Herbivore and Cha-Ya, fine all-vegan establishments that they are. But vegans don’t have to be ghettoized, consigned to eat only with our own kind in where places no gung-ho carnivore would set foot*. Sometimes vegan options turn up in the most unexpected places. It’s like finding Incan gold** (um, except without the genocide).

Ted’s Market is a corner store deli (but not on the corner, go figure) with your usual array of sandwich fixings. The real reason to come here, though, is the vegan salami sandwich. Get one with avocado, hold the cheese & mayo, and delight in the fact that you can enjoy your neighborhood deli just like the “normals”***. I’m not saying Ted’s can hold a candle to Ike’s Place, but it’s a nice alternative when you can’t make it all the way to the Castro, say. Moreover, Ted’s proves the point that a business can make small concessions like this to vegans without bending over backwards, and everybody ends up happier. Except for those of us who show up after 5:00, when the deli counter closes.

The website notes that, “there is one vegetarian/vegan soup offered daily (subject to cook’s temperamant.[sic]” Love this for many reasons: sassy cook, sassy website, sassy spelling! Bring us the sass, Ted! Oh, they also have vegan chili! Get that when you’ve had your wisdom teeth out like me and can’t eat hard foods. In fact, I am very pathetic right now. Send me ice cream. And money. Mainly money, seems to be the only cure for this HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PAIN.

*Although, it must be noted that many gung-ho carnivores go apeshit for places like Cha-Ya that don’t offer any fake meat because they feel the food is more pure and vegans should just eat vegetables and wheatgrass. These people are ASSHOLES. I don’t eat meat not because it doesn’t taste good, but because I don’t want to contribute to the destruction of the earth and its inhabitants, ASSHOLE.

**That’s today’s history lesson, Sherman!

***normals = ASSHOLES!