vegansaurus!

01/31/2012

My Drunk Kitchen does a vegan episode! They make vegan cheesecake, drunkenly, and learn that vegans can be fatties, too. I laughed a lot. Probably too much, because some of it hit very close to home. Tonight: It’s just whiskey and walnuts, baby.

01/19/2012

WTF, PCRM?  »


What a bummer. PCRM is an amazing organization with many smart, compassionate people working for it, but I was beyond bummed to see these ads. I’m loathe to say boo about them because I’ve done contract work for the organization and found the experience fun and rewarding. BUT COME ON. When you put shit like this in the world, shit you will get in return.

Vegan community, we gotta stop the fat shaming. It’s ugly, mean, stupid, counter productive, and it fucking sucks. I’m not a fan of Skinny Bitch, but this is even more blatant and gross because at least Skinny Bitch makes an argument for veganism right there, makes the connection. This is more like YOU’RE FAT AND THAT’S GROSS BYE! Plus, plenty (PLENTY!) of skinny people eat cheese on the regular. It’s just not a compelling argument. I’ve got big ol’ cottage cheese thighs (yum!) and I have since becoming vegan and since before I was vegan and I’m gonna have them until the maggots eat my dead body. Psych! I’m totally having my body donated to science because I’m a MEDICAL MARVEL. Too sexy for burial! That’s what I want my toe-tag to read!

Fat-shaming isn’t gonna get anyone to go vegan; it’s just gonna get people defensive and closed down to your message. It also sets the internet against vegans in general. Maybe you think all publicity is good publicity, but I don’t know how true that is, especially since every time I tell someone I’m vegan, they’re like, “UGH PETA” and then I have to defend myself and PETA for a half-hour. So just knock it off.

01/02/2012

Fat Vegan? Wear it proudly, baby!  »

They’re badges that express your fat veg pride! Yes! Now, that says “fat vegetarian,” which you can get if you’re an alright fat vegetarian, but if you’re an awesome fat vegan, just make the request at checkout and she’ll make you a fat vegan badge in whatever color your little piggy heart desires. I’m buying them all and wearing them at the same time because I’m extra fat and awesome! 

I found the link to these through the most excellent latest Chickpea magazine! We love them and you should read the whole thing because it’s wonderful. Great recipes, stories, and I have about 15 things bookmarked from their gift guide. I know it’s January 2nd but it’s never too early to start thinking about what you’re buying me for Valentine’s Day. Sexy, sexy! 

09/14/2010

I’ve seen this posted on several vegans’ Facebook pages and it bums me out. Let’s get some things straight: there are lots of fat vegans, being fat isn’t a bad thing, Skinny Bitch isn’t a thing, period, THE END FOREVER.
Crap like this is alienating and cruel and hateful and stupid. A person’s body is not reflective of their worth, so quit it. Besides, I know some damn skinny meat-eaters and some big fat vegans and it’s ALL GOOD. Skinny, fat, tall, short, gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, intersexed, inner-sexed, transgendered, Lady Gaga-ed, black, white, Cuban, and Asian*—it’s all gravy, baby. 
Also, I’m finna be real with you, which family up there do you want to party with? I’m gonna go with the awesome fatties. The son is totally chowing down on a drumstick from Golden Lotus and he is OFFENDED that you would insinuate otherwise. Further, what is with their hands, especially the fat dad’s right one? Is it a claw? Because then he’s extra badass.
*or wait, is that a list of the types of ladies that Will Smith wants to bone? Whatever, it works. 
Update (11:32 a.m.): Did you guys know I made a zine about awesome it is to be fat and it includes tons of vegan positive stuff in it? YOU CAN BUY IT FOR THREE BUCKS! It has lots of glitter and includes crazy awesome hot fat girl art. OWN IT!
Update (12:03 p.m.): This just came out TODAY: "Today it is believed that approximately 25-30% of obese individuals remain metabolically healthy (normal blood glucose, blood lipids, blood pressure, and cytokine profile) despite their excess weight.” Check it! The more you read about this shit, the more you realize that we’re been duped by the diet and pharmaceutical industries, and the complicit (and often self-regulated) government agencies that oversee them. There’s gold in them thar fat folds!

I’ve seen this posted on several vegans’ Facebook pages and it bums me out. Let’s get some things straight: there are lots of fat vegans, being fat isn’t a bad thing, Skinny Bitch isn’t a thing, period, THE END FOREVER.

Crap like this is alienating and cruel and hateful and stupid. A person’s body is not reflective of their worth, so quit it. Besides, I know some damn skinny meat-eaters and some big fat vegans and it’s ALL GOOD. Skinny, fat, tall, short, gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, intersexed, inner-sexed, transgendered, Lady Gaga-ed, black, white, Cuban, and Asian*—it’s all gravy, baby. 

Also, I’m finna be real with you, which family up there do you want to party with? I’m gonna go with the awesome fatties. The son is totally chowing down on a drumstick from Golden Lotus and he is OFFENDED that you would insinuate otherwise. Further, what is with their hands, especially the fat dad’s right one? Is it a claw? Because then he’s extra badass.

*or wait, is that a list of the types of ladies that Will Smith wants to bone? Whatever, it works. 

Update (11:32 a.m.): Did you guys know I made a zine about awesome it is to be fat and it includes tons of vegan positive stuff in it? YOU CAN BUY IT FOR THREE BUCKS! It has lots of glitter and includes crazy awesome hot fat girl art. OWN IT!

Update (12:03 p.m.): This just came out TODAY: "Today it is believed that approximately 25-30% of obese individuals remain metabolically healthy (normal blood glucose, blood lipids, blood pressure, and cytokine profile) despite their excess weight.” Check it! The more you read about this shit, the more you realize that we’re been duped by the diet and pharmaceutical industries, and the complicit (and often self-regulated) government agencies that oversee them. There’s gold in them thar fat folds!


10/23/2008

Recipe: Vegan mac ‘n’ cheesecakes!  »

So yesterday, Jonas sent me a link to this video on the New York Times website. It features Kenny Shopsin, this fabulous cursing muppet dude—basically,  Bruce Vilanch done over as a truck stop chef; seriously, watch the video, this guy’s the best*—making something that blew my mind: MAC ‘N’ CHEESE PANCAKES! I knew I had to have them for dinner, if not right now! So, last night, we fried up a big batch of mac ‘n’ cheesecakes and some Match Meat Italian Sausages!

Here is what we did. Follow these directions TO THE LETTER. I am unyielding.

First, pour yourself a Crown and water, on the rocks. If you skip this step, everything else will suck.

Next, you need to boil up some macaroni. Or whatever pasta you want, really. I didn’t have enough macaroni last night and so I used some spiral pasta too. I AM A REBEL! When the pasta is cooked al dente then you drain and stir in a little olive oil. Set aside.

Then, grate some cheese into a bowl. I suggest Teese or Follow Your Heart, if those options are available to you. If they’re not, either 1) move the fuck away from whatever Podunk town you’re dying in or b) just kill yourself with a block of veganrella. I think just trying to eat the whole thing should do it.

Set the bowl of macaroni and the bowl of cheese close to the stove so you can reach them easily for assembling your pancakes! And now you need to make pancake batter. I suggest:

  • 1 cup flour [experiment with different kinds. I used whole wheat last night but I think chickpea could be good!]
  • 1 Tbsp. vegan sugar
  • 2 Tbsp. baking powder
  • ⅛ tsp. salt [I would mess around with types of salt here: kosher, truffle, etc.!]
  • 1 cup soy [or almond/rice/hemp/coconut/human breast] milk
  • 2 Tbsp. vegetable oil

First mix the dry ingredients together. When that’s done, start your griddle (that word literally makes my mouth water) on high so that it gets super-hot. Go back to your batter and mix in your wet ingredients. DO NOT OVER-MIX, over-mixing will kill your fluffy mac ‘n’ cheesecakes and you will be all :-(. Next, add some Earth Balance to your griddle and wait until it melts and is kinda bubbly. Then, you want to add enough batter for the size pancake that you want. I wanted one the size of a crop circle but Jonas was cooking so.

Let it cook for about a minute and then put a couple tablespoons of the macaroni in the middle of the pancake and immediately top that with a bunch of cheese. Using a thin metal spatula, quickly turn the pancakes and gently tap to make them uniform in thickness. Cook until golden, about two minutes. Serve, macaroni-side up, with Earth Balance and warm maple syrup. HELLO DELICIOUS!

This photo is with a Match Meat patty we grilled up to go with our mac ‘n’ cheesecakes. Yes, I know it looks like Pizza the Hut. SHUT UP, IT TASTED DELICIOUS.

If you’re feeling adventurous (read: extra-gluttonous), make it vegan heart-attack-style by crumbling some fake sausage (we used the Match Meat Italian Sausage) and throwing it on top of the macaroni, before the cheese. That was our best pancake; a Hamburger Helper pancake. We dubbed it über-pancake, the Cheesy Beef Cake; it won the Blue Ribbon at my State Fair in Fatlandia, pop. All the Awesome Fat People.

Finally, DO NOT GIVE ANY OF YOUR PANCAKES TO HAZEL. SHE IS CUTE AND SO IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE BUT PANCAKES ARE NOT FOR DOGS, THEY ARE FOR HUMANS!!! Now, a photo of Hazel begging for a pancake.

*Please be sure to check out the menu for Shopsin’s General Store as well. It is insane but actually includes a few vegan items! But don’t order from the menu or you will get thrown out!

[photos by the cooks]

09/29/2008

Review: Panhandle Pizza!  »

A while ago, inspired by some of the pro-anorexia sicko talk threads that I compulsively read, I decided that I’m too fat to live. When bitches who are one-tenth your size are exchanging crash diet tips, it can have that affect on you. Anyway, someone listed a recipe for cabbage soup diet that is supposed to “clean you out” and “make you feel great.” Because I want to be cleaned out and also to feel great and mainly because I have low self-esteem, I decide to try this cabbage soup diet for a couple days. The other reason is that I obviously hate myself. I can think of no other excuse as to why someone would do this to themselves. I am fat and unworthy. Right, ladies? I mean, a multi-billion-dollar business is made off our self-hatred so I’m game! Let’s DO THIS! Seventy-three pounds or BUST!

My eating day went like this:
5:45 a.m. - Wake up! Ready to be cleaned out and feel GREAT! am excited to take on the day!

6 a.m. - Cabbage soup.
(6:15 a.m. - Stomach hurts and am actively upset at myself and those around me. Have murderous thoughts.)

7 a.m. - Cabbage soup.
(7:15 a.m. - Am thinking about how I am a modern-day Oliver Twist. Please sir, may I have some more? Am sad that in this day and age of amazing food, i am choosing to eat like pathetic Dickensian tramp. Am shocked that other women who want to lose those “last 10 pounds” would subject themselves to something so psychotic. Guess what ladies, ain’t nobody notice those 10 pounds anyway! YOU LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME and don’t nobody care! Your man is probably boning your fat best friend anyway! Clearly, I am still murderous.)

10 a.m. - Cabbage soup.
(10:15 a.m. - Conference call from hell that almost left me fired. Coincidence?)

12 p.m. - Cabbage soup.
(12:15 p.m. - Dry-heaving over a toilet because of disgusting cabbage soup. Cabbage soup is worse than water torture. Or being sodomized with a paddle made of hedgehogs.)

1 p.m. - Cabbage soup.
(1:15 p.m. - Have very bad farts from cabbage soup that clear out two desks around me and make me lose my appetite. I think this is a good thing. Hate my coworkers anyway.)

2 p.m.
- Cabbage soup.
(2:15 p.m. - All I can think about are suicide scenarios and not eating cabbage soup ever again. I still have about 10 gallons left. Want to die. I am fat.)
(2:30 p.m. - Crying in a corner.)
(2:33 p.m. - Make a death threat against a coworker for “breathing too loudly”)
(2:40 p.m. - Crying in a bathroom stall)
(2:45 p.m. - The shakes have set in. I’m so hungry. I’m so, so hungry. I’m sad.)


3 p.m. - Order entire extra-large soy cheese cornmeal crust everything veggie pizza from Panhandle Pizza.
(3:30 p.m. - Eat chocolate bar while waiting for pizza.)
(3:35 p.m. - Feel guilty about chocolate, eat more cabbage soup.)
(3:45 p.m. - Fuck this noise, where the fuck is my pizza, I will eat my own hand!!!! Eat another candy bar given to me earlier by scared coworker.)


4 p.m. - Pizza arrives. Eat entire pizza. I am in heaven. It’s the best pizza ever A+++++ BEST QUALITY WILL DO BUSINESS AGAIN.
(4:05 p.m. - Pour cabbage soup down drain.)
(4:15 p.m. - Fat and happy.)

Moral of the story: stay the fuck off of internet talk threads. And though it’s not the perfect vegan pizza, it is a vegan pizza. And it still felt relatively healthy because of all the veggies, soy cheese and delicious cornmeal crust. I’m a fat. I meant, fan. I’m a fan.

Some notes: They use Follow Your Heart mozzarella and they use it sparingly, which I like. Even if you are not a fan of the veggie pizza because you don’t like mushrooms, olives, peppers, insert objectionable vegetable here, I still strongly suggest getting it. It’s way better than any of the other pizzas and I normally can’t stand mushrooms; they are the devil that grows from the ground. As far as delivery boundaries go, it really depends on who you talk to and what kind of mood they’re in. Sometimes they will deliver to the entire city, sometimes not. You can also eat in (there are a few table and chairs) or get a pizza to go and sit in the Panhandle of Golden Gate Park. Itsanice (that’s Italian for, “it’s nice!”)!

[photo via yelp]

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