Hunting chic: fall ‘10 is all about wild pigs »
A roving pack of 15 feral hogs have dared to venture onto a private golf course in Clayton, Calif. and will now pay for their impiety with their lives. See, normally the pigs live in the foothills of Mt. Diablo, but thanks to this wretchedly long summer, there isn’t any pig-food in the foothills of Mt. Diablo, so they were forced to look for delicious, nourishing grubs elsewhere—like moist, healthy soil, where grubs thrive. And where on Earth, come heat or drought or acid rain, will one always and forever find moist, healthy soil? On private golf courses, duh. Club members pay big money to bogart all that water.
Unfortunately for everyone involved, grubs don’t live atop the green, but in the soil beneath it, requiring a feral hog to dig and dig to find enough grubs to fill its hoggy belly. But for the Oakhurst Country Club, this will not do. How can they play golf on a pig-ruined course? It’s impossible! They are massive, these feral hogs, and completely bold; they dig under fences and fear no man. One might note that, in their search for food so as to avoid starving to death, hogs put “eating” ahead of “golf course green maintenance” on their list of priorities, but they are causing “thousands of dollars in damage to the golf course,” leaving Oakhurst no choice but to apply for a Wild Pig Depredation Permit from the state Department of Fish and Game, which was approved just this week Tuesday. Ooh, even better: while the regular depredation permit only allows trapping the wild pigs, or shooting them with a bow and arrow, the Clayton Police Department has made an exception and allowed the hunter Oakhurst hired to use a real gun! Awesome! Those 15 starving marauders will be dead sooner than you can say “bloodthirsty lunatics!”
Sound familiar? Yes, it is reminiscent of Hog Out Month in Texas, though this killing spree is limited to one hunter and one area—no, wait, wait: “[Clayton] also has a permit to kill an unlimited number of wild pigs that have been destroying the city’s sports complex”! Does a relative of the great Todd Staples live in Clayton? Someone in the East Bay must really hate feral hogs, or looooove shooting things, because this little town is about to have a massacre. Thank the Lord, the golf course will be safe again.
[Hawaiian wild pigs photo by Flickr user Stacy Lynn Baum]
Hello, Friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
Man, kids these days. Remember when the awesome college part-time job was waiting tables or bartending or working in a video store (personal favorite!)? And remember when KFC wasn’t paying coeds $500 a pop to hand out fliers while wearing pants with “Double Down” emblazoned on their “buns”? Yeah, me too! So WHAT HAPPENED? KFC has been struggling as of late (apparently they lost 7 percent of revenue in the last year?) and it turns out that their target audience can’t even recognize the Colonel anymore. So instead of thinking “Dude, our problem is that our food is super-gross and also unfit for consumption, so maybe we should get rid of that monstrosity we introduced last year and rethink our horrible horrible menu as well as our choice to be known as chicken murderers,” they decided that their best course of action was to rent ad space on the behinds of college women. This is bad for several reasons. Number one: STOP KILLING CHICKENS! Number two: This is hella sexist. Why do you have to advertise on lady lumps? That is degrading! Number three: Goddamn, are those pants ugly and ill-fitting. KFC is desperately trying to sell “fun and sexy” but is coming up with “fire-engine-red wedgie.” NO ONE WANTS ANY OF THAT! Thank god some colleges are against this, but it really makes you wonder exactly what’s going through the minds of the college deans (deans are like principals, right?) [Ed: Sometimes! Depends on the structure] who do allow this on their campuses. Probably nothing good.
Here’s another thing that’s wrong with today: Hog Out Month in Texas. Have you guys heard about this? Apparently Texas is SOOOOOO overrun with feral hogs that its department of agriculture has decided that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. In fact, the department (run by the delightful Todd Staples) is not only encouraging people to go out and take vengeance on these monsters that destroy farmland, parks, and GOLF COURSES (I knew we would get there eventually), but is actually offering grants to spur the Texas counties into a veritable Hogocaust. They’re giving away cash prizes! Let trappers onto your land to turn it into a grisly bloodbath, and your county could win up to $25,000! It’s not just for money, though. It’s a challenge! Like in fifth grade, when you were supposed to read 20 books over the summer and then you would get a free book from the library? Just like that! Except with less reading and more muffled squeals of anguish. And the smell of burning flesh.
But sometimes, JUST SOMETIMES, good things happen. Usually it’s all fire and brimstone, though, and things that make me toss and turn in bed at night. Which is unfortunate because Allen thinks we have bedbugs now, so every time I accidentally kick him as I am pondering the plight of the human race and the cruelty we all visit upon the animals and each other, he wakes up and insists that a bedbug has bitten him. And then he gets the flashlight. I hate it when he gets the flashlight. Anyway, GOOD THINGS. On Oct. 3 Colombia celebrated World Animal Day for the first time, and over 500 people marched through the streets to stand up against the mistreatment of animals. This video is awesome, and what’s even more awesome is the closing message: “Even though animals cannot speak, they deserve love and respect.” Why can’t we all just get along?
That’s it for this week! Please leave suggestions for next week in the comments, or email me. Have an awesome Wednesday!